Freaking the fuck out
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Freaking the fuck out

This is a discussion on Freaking the fuck out within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; My mom's health hasn't been the best over the last few months. We're not sure what caused it but she ...

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Old 04-04-21, 10:08 PM   #1
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My mom's health hasn't been the best over the last few months. We're not sure what caused it but she seems to have developed Ventricular Tachycardia. She has seen 4 different cardiologists who have all given her different meds and given her a slew of conflicting information concerning treatment. Some say a cardiac ablasion (where they go in and literally burn the part of your heart thats misfiring to kick it back into rythm) Which there's no guarantee of it being a permanent fix if they went that route. One of the other cardiologists says if she has to have a cardiac ablasion done that her current cardiologist shouldn't be the one to do it because that particular cardiologist isn't well versed in dealing with that kind of cardiac ablasion with the side of the heart that's misfiring. Another cardiologist told her there's nothing that they can do and that "You should be fine, you'll just have to deal with the misfires and your heart going into the wrong rhythm as it happens, but you should be fine otherwise". My mom is going on an interview out of state for a work from home job through someone my family knows somewhat personally. It would be a great job for her and very low stress.. However my mom told me tonight that she's intending to go have this interview in June or July and that she'd be gone for a week. She told me when she got back and settled she'd like to take a mother/son trip together and just spend time being together and talking privately one on one as her and I don't get a lot of time for one on one private mother/son conversations with my dad and my grandmother being in the house living with us. My uncle is supposed to take my grandma back to live with him indefinitely until my mom gets this issue straightened out with her heart. I know death is inevitable and we're all going to die one day. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or think bad thoughts and I hope my mom still has a long full life left ahead of her (She's only 53) but since she sat me down and told me that she's worried and would really like to take a few trips together one on one because of the issues she's having and that she's worried she could be dead in a few years, I'm absolutely freaking the fuck out. I don't want to dwell on it too much but I can't help that nagging thought in the back of my head that says "You could lose your mom in a few years, long before she should go" and it's really fucking with my head. I don't know what I would do if I lost my mom when she's still so young and has so much life left to live. I have been in the mindset for many years that the only real reason I get up and try to make something of myself and get up and go to work everyday is for her and to make her proud that I'm attempting to become a normal, everyday, productive member of society. I know this is premature and I shouldn't be freaking out, but I am abolutely 100% freaking out and don't know what I will do if I lose her. I still feel like I need her for so much and I don't know what I'd do if I had to say goodbye. It's really bringing into perspective how much I have left to say and want to tell her as well as experience together as a mom and son... If she were to pass away in the coming years I would see and feel no real reason to want to get up and try anymore. I always told myself that I'm only going to hang onto life as long as I had my mom and that the day she passed on I had every intention of joining her in whatever afterlife there may or may not be. I know I'm freaking out prematurely and she could still live a long fairly normal life with some adjustments... I just really didn't want to start thinking about the fact that my mom could pass away and leave me behind. I could really use some support and reassurance.

Last edited by BigD93; 04-04-21 at 10:11 PM.
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Old 04-05-21, 04:11 PM   #2
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Good evening. I'm so, so sorry you have to deal with this. The prospect of losing your mother must be terrifying. You say you are afraid of losing your reason to get up in the morning. And in the face of death, I think we all feel helpless and angry.

You say something very good: "It's really bringing into perspective how much I have left to say and want to tell her as well as experience together as a mom and son".

What is keeping you from telling her what you want to tell her? I don't know what covid regulations are like in your country, but her proposal of going on a trip together sounds terrific. Without knowing you or her, I would really like to encourage you, though it might be scary and painful, to really make that time to say the things you want her to know.

And of course find time to listen to her. I imagine that when she has received a diagnosis like that her life has also changed in a big way.

You are right to remind yourself that ventricular tachycardia is a complex condition that can have any range of effects - from very drastic and life-threatening to, as you put it, allowing the patient to have a long fairly normal life. Our bodies are pretty amazing when it comes to adjusting themselves. How does your mother feel about the options/opinions the different cardiologists told her?

I don't know if it is a good fit for you, but you could try to find ways to anchor yourself in the present moment - breathing, or hyperfocusing on the object or surface in front of you. - whenever you find yourself worrying or fantasizing about the future scenario that scares you.

Have a hug. I'll think of you both.
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Old 04-05-21, 05:37 PM   #3
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I know what you are feeling, the fear of losing someone you love dearly. I also know how your mom feels, that she wanted for you to have a mother and son trip. Go on and spend time with your mom, tell her everything you want to say. She would really love that
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Old 04-05-21, 09:09 PM   #4
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NRebeccaS - I don't really have a good answer. I've always been very closed off and kept a lot of stuff to myself, Whether it be happiness, sadness, anger, or any other emotion. I guess you could say I'm scared of being vulnerable although I have no reason to be. I have this stupid irrational fear that what I have to tell my mom or what I want us to talk about is going to cause her unneeded grief, heartache, and stress.. I tell myself "Oh I'll talk to her about it tomorrow" but tomorrow ultimately becomes another day where I swallow my feelings, hold back tears, and ultimately let it eat me alive until I break down alone late at night in my room. When I do actually feel like talking and I'm prepared to pull her aside and talk privately this voice in my head starts screaming "Stop! She's got enough shit on her plate, Don't add yours to it! Swallow this shit and move on!" it's honestly a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break and it's really starting to take it's toll on me and shit is eating me alive.

My mom has seen several cardiologists and gotten conflicting opinions and treatment plans/options and things to try from every last one of them. It has taken a toll on her as well as she rarely has any energy and her heart beats 5-6 beats at a time, and then doesn't beat for what should be 2-3 beats at a time. She has tried the meds that one of the cardiologists have given her but it slows her heart rate down to a point where she can't really function or do much other than lay on the couch. If she doesn't take the meds her heart beats in that pattern and she says she gets a really intense "Flicking" sensation in her heart like someone quite literally just flicked it as hard as they could muster.

i want to talk to her more than anything I just worry that when the time comes for us to have that talk that it's going to go the way it has every other time I've attempted to talk to her where I just completely shut myself down or instead revert to shit that somebody else has done that has frustrated the living fuck out of me or the classic "Mom has enough on her plate, don't add your shit to it too". I'm absolutely terrified I'm going to lose her and I feel that me being so shut down and a 1 man show as far as my feelings and my thoughts and struggling to be able to express them properly, I feel like if something did happen to her the guilt would consume me even more than it already does. I feel like my inability over my life to open up and be vulnerable to and with her is the one thing that I personally feel like has prevented us from being as close as I'd love to be with her. Not that we aren't close, but I know she can tell when I'm guarding myself and when I'm struggling to contain myself alone while I spiral deeper into this vicious cycle instead of just opening myself up and being vulnerable and talking to her.

Dietond - I'm trying to remain positive and not think about the bad but I really want her and I to be able to get away alone together so I can hopefully finally say all these things I've left unsaid for so long.
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Old 04-10-21, 02:48 PM   #5
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Oh wow. That sounds like a difficult mechanism inside of you - the voice in your head, as you put it - that you are aware of, but can't just switch off at will. I get it. These are the things that can keep us busy our whole lives.

Is there a way to experience closeness that doesn't need words? Maybe doing something together - taking a drive, or cooking something together, or doing a craft or a puzzle, so that you're both concentrating on something else and also not under pressure to make eye contact. Just having a peaceful moment where you got something done together can be meaningful.

Or maybe you try to express how you feel about her, but again, not in words - buy or make her a gift? Give her a back/hand/foot massage if that's not a problem for you? Just sit next to her and squeeze her hand when she's tired, in pain, and lying on the sofa? ( I know a lot of adult children have trouble touching their parents and vice versa, so whatever works ) In some cultures, bringing your parents a glass of water is a very significant act of love and deference ... it can be small, but it can say that you're there for her and care about her.
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Old 04-25-21, 09:04 PM   #6
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My mom and I usually sit together for a few hours every night and either binge out on tv shows we like, or binge watch our current series we're enveloped in, Which is boardwalk empire or if we don't do that we play board/card games and work on our hunt a killer subscription boxes. It does us a world of good just being together and being close. I'm not ashamed to say that at 27 I still give my mom goodnight hugs and kisses, and even just give her hugs and kisses randomly. We're planning a long weekend or even a long week mother/son getaway together. We're talking about going to the beach or maybe even some time at disney once we see what the covid protocols they follow are and I'm really looking forward to really having that time away together and us just being away from the house and together one on one and I'm hoping that gives me the opportunity to finally knock that voice away long enough to finally sit and have a long heart to heart conversation and just be together and let myself be vulnerable with her for once in a very long time.
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Old 04-26-21, 02:07 AM   #7
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Hi BigD93, just briefly: picturing a mom and grown son doing those things together that you describe - from binge watching to games to goodnight kisses - makes me tear up. That sounds beautiful.

I really hope and wish that my little guy, now 4, will make half of that time for me when he is 27. You sound like a great son and whatever issues and problems there might be in your world can't change that.
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Old 05-03-21, 09:00 PM   #8
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NRebeccaS - I do my best. My mom has always been and will always be my rock and due to some medical hardships with me when I was very young it has made her and I inseperable and a relationship we've always strived to keep as close as we can. I believe it plays a major part in who I am today and who I will be in the future.
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