I tried to organise my life so I was in control, I've been fumbling with some guy who has a lot of undesirable qualities so I don't accidentally fall for him, and now I really want him.
I feel like everything's fallen through, like all the control I thought I'd regained over the last few years is an illusion and I'm going to fail everything. Nothing is real and I can't stay because it's unsafe, I really want to end it, I'm trying so hard to believe it's just the boose talking.
I was listening to the news earlier and they were talking about a guy who died at bestival because of what he did, I just want to do it again, I want to feel reality and die and enter back into it, I can't do it anymore, I can't write I can't make i'm talentless and am going to fail again, I'm going to hurt my family, my Mum and brother and let them down again. What am I still doing here?

Ivy. I love that name. Even if its just your screen name. I love it. I bet you're a great writer. Just your post is so full of images and vivid. I've been with the bad guy, I've been with the good guy. I actually think I'm better on my own either way. But the good guy is nice to have around. Control is an illusion. But lack of control feeds my anxiety. Catch 22. I hope you find your silver lining.