Every time I talk to my mother
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Every time I talk to my mother

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Old 05-18-18, 02:14 PM   #1
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Recently I've learned some things, like narcissistic parents, co-dependants, empath and etc...I've heard of those before and had suspicion, there was something wrong with my mother. But I was in denial, I didn't want to believe, that my own mother in fact never wished me well. I always blamed circumstances or other people and thought she was just a victim in unfortunate set of things, that defined her life.

I also worked hard, super hard up until recently, trying to eliminate those unfortunate circumstances for her and hoping that afterwords I'll have the mother I've always wanted. This was my higher purpose. When I felt bad or down and the world didn't seem so nice, this motive to help my mom was driving me to keep pushing.

After I managed to free her from past mistakes and their unfortunate results, and also reunited my family (mom and dad) and organized a vacation for us 3, it came to me: my mom was the reason for the way she was and is and all the bad stuff that I had to suffer through. No one else.

Needless to say, I fell into severe depression, like never before. I researched enormous amount of information about emotional abuse.

And here I am. Not ready to go no contact with her. I tried to limit it, but not very successful with it too, especially since I don't really have anyone else in my life.

I can count on my fingers, how many times I felt true support from her throughout my whole life. Other than that is subtle invalidation, criticism, shaming, blaming, mocking and etc.

After I talk to her, I feel empty, useless, worthless, like a piece of sht. I feel drained. My mind goes blank, I keep making mistake after mistake as if I myself subconsciously want to prove, that she is right and I am not worthy of anything.

I know I need a therapist. Someone to talk to about all this. But I don't have courage to even start looking, I've never had one. I don't know how to talk to other people about things like that.
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Old 05-18-18, 05:14 PM   #2
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I know I need a therapist. Someone to talk to about all this. But I don't have courage to even start looking, I've never had one. I don't know how to talk to other people about things like that.
It is more or less the same when visiting your GP. You talk about very personal stuff. Only in this instance it is not about your physical health but about the psychological/mental side of life. Boy that sounds a bit like captain obvious lol.

But you should give it a try. A fresh perspective maybe can help you manage. Good luck.
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Old 05-21-18, 03:30 AM   #3
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What you've said about your mother seems to be a real epiphany, real insight into her personality and behavior. Even if it was devastating, you saw something true and achieved some freedom from idealization of a parent who didn't deserve so much from you. Must have been really difficult.

I guess we don't love people because they deserve it. Your devotion to her says more about you than about her.

Until you find a therapist you like, you can always listen to TEDtalks about depression and therapy on Youtube, or search for videos on depression by therapists (whose credentials you can check). You could get an idea of what goals you might have if you started with a therapist, and how to talk to one.

I think we're lucky that Youtube has grown so huge, and all sorts of professional people use it to post their work.
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Old 05-21-18, 01:10 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by stirfry View Post
What you've said about your mother seems to be a real epiphany, real insight into her personality and behavior. Even if it was devastating, you saw something true and achieved some freedom from idealization of a parent who didn't deserve so much from you. Must have been really difficult.

I guess we don't love people because they deserve it. Your devotion to her says more about you than about her.

Until you find a therapist you like, you can always listen to TEDtalks about depression and therapy on Youtube, or search for videos on depression by therapists (whose credentials you can check). You could get an idea of what goals you might have if you started with a therapist, and how to talk to one.

I think we're lucky that Youtube has grown so huge, and all sorts of professional people use it to post their work.

Agree. Thanks for your support here
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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