Recently I've learned some things, like narcissistic parents, co-dependants, empath and etc...I've heard of those before and had suspicion, there was something wrong with my mother. But I was in denial, I didn't want to believe, that my own mother in fact never wished me well. I always blamed circumstances or other people and thought she was just a victim in unfortunate set of things, that defined her life.
I also worked hard, super hard up until recently, trying to eliminate those unfortunate circumstances for her and hoping that afterwords I'll have the mother I've always wanted. This was my higher purpose. When I felt bad or down and the world didn't seem so nice, this motive to help my mom was driving me to keep pushing.
After I managed to free her from past mistakes and their unfortunate results, and also reunited my family (mom and dad) and organized a vacation for us 3, it came to me: my mom was the reason for the way she was and is and all the bad stuff that I had to suffer through. No one else.
Needless to say, I fell into severe depression, like never before. I researched enormous amount of information about emotional abuse.
And here I am. Not ready to go no contact with her. I tried to limit it, but not very successful with it too, especially since I don't really have anyone else in my life.
I can count on my fingers, how many times I felt true support from her throughout my whole life. Other than that is subtle invalidation, criticism, shaming, blaming, mocking and etc.
After I talk to her, I feel empty, useless, worthless, like a piece of sht. I feel drained. My mind goes blank, I keep making mistake after mistake as if I myself subconsciously want to prove, that she is right and I am not worthy of anything.
I know I need a therapist. Someone to talk to about all this. But I don't have courage to even start looking, I've never had one. I don't know how to talk to other people about things like that.