Don't know where to start but feeling desperate
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Don't know where to start but feeling desperate

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Old 05-16-10, 10:57 PM   #1
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As the title of my posts says, I have so many issues that I am having difficulties figuring out what to do, probably resulting in a huge amount of complacency.

However I will try to order my thoughts and describe my personal situation:

I am 37 years old
... and I often think that at this age I should be well advanced on some career path, have a partner, have some financial security etc.

I am transgender
... which doesn't make things easier. I have never had the feeling that I 'fit in' anywhere, even among other people with gender issues I feel that I am different. I was taking hormones for severl years and felt a bit more stable but about 18 months ago I stopped taking them because I relapsed on smoking and told myself that I wasn't prepared to take the risk of getting DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) although I am not sure whether that is really the reason or whether I am just unsure about what path I want to take. I had an appointment for Gender Reassignment Surgery two years ago which I cancelled because I had second thoughts and just over a year ago I started missing my appointments at the hospital so they discharged me both fromseeing the doctors there as well as from voice therapy. I registered with another voice therapist but missed my appointments there too.

I have a history of substance abuse
... at the age of 16 I started drinking heavily, smoking dope and taking just about every other substance I could get hold of. I dropped out of school without any qualifications and seven years later I had my first break from everything (which lasted six months) which helped me get a job in a warehouse. Within a very short period of time I worked my way up and about two years later became an IT and Marketing specialist for one of the world's largest corporations. This lasted 3 years until I came out to friends, started expressing my true gender and couldn't face the idea of having to go back to work after a period of sickness because those were the early days of my transition.

I suffer from OCD (not officially diagnosed but it's obvious)
... I have taught myself several skill such as web design and in the past designed pages for friends (for a very small fee). I'd usually sit in front of my computer about 15 hours a day with hardly any sleep because I would become completely euphoric about my achievements and even after going to bed coul;dn't wait to get up again and continue my work. I was ripped off a few times so now I have no more interest in working for anyone other than myself. I also became fed up with the corporate business after my last job which lasted 3 days. I was mastering tasks which others who had been in the company for several months weren't able to do without supervision after their manager had left in the evening, I got on extremely well with everyone and I was on a natural high during those 3 days. Then the company got the results of the pre-employment drug and alcohol screening and I was discharged becasue I had only stopped smoking weed two weeks earlier and it was showing in the results. Everyone whom I was working with including my mangers was completely gutted but it was a decision which was made in the corporate headquarters abroad.

But to cut a long point short: I am capable of mastering just about every task which I am handed withih a very short period of time first of all becasue of my intelligence and secondly because I am unable to focus on anything else while learning the necessary skills.

I suffer from depression
... and was prescribed antidepressants in 2002 before moving to another country. After getting the job which I mentioned above (the one which I lost due to the D&A test results) I stopped taking them and didn't have any problems for some time. At the moment however I felt desperate about changing my situation but I lack both focus and energy.

I am very lethargic
... although I would like to change things I don't know where to start and I also feel very weak due to the fact that I have hardly been eating anything for months. Today I went out for a meal but after a few bites felt so sick that I gave the rest to my dog whom I had with me. Also all my clothes haven't been washed for ages (I haven't got my own washing machine but even if I did I am not sure if I could even be motivated enough to do some washing) and I only have a bath once every few weeks or so, as embarrassing as it is for me to say that.

I am hardly eating anything
... which started about a year ago. I was doing some voluntary work fo ra support group (web design, technical support etc.) but last Summer we hosted a range of events and I ended up having to do all the work because some people seriously let me down and I felt responsible to go ahead with the events. A few days beforehand I was so stressed that I was living mainly frmo sweets for several days and after the events I saw no other choice other than resigning and handing in my position. I don't know how much I weigh but I am incredibly thin and it gets worse every day.

I have counselling sessions once a week which don't seem to help
... because I think about what issues affect me most before a session, but afterwards I keep thinking that I have so much going on that I wasn't able to get to the really important issues.

I have a seriously disturbed sleeping pattern
... which means that at the moment I wake up sometime in the evening and go to sleep sometime after sunrise, often not until it is nearly midday. Obviously that way I miss all the daylight hours.

I don't have any close friends
... it seems very difficult for me to bond closely with other people so that I just have casual acquaintances which change all the time.

Two years ago I was subjected to emotional, physical and financial abuse
... ad it totally devastated me. If the job which I mentioned above was the trigger for me to lose any motivation regarding finding work, then this was the reason why I have stayed far away from even thinking about a relationship. About three years ago I felt very happy because the hormones were kicking in and I got compliments from people every day (even took part in two beauty pageants) but I haven't heard any such compliments for a long time becasue I hardly pay any attention at all to my appearance.

I have never had a satisfying relationship
... enough said, see above.

I left school without qualifications
... I went to grammar school with top marks in all subjects but after that my marks steadily declined, I became very rebellious, kept getting letters sent home to my parents (once they got three in one day) and had to leave school early while most of my classmates went on to take theri 'A' levels and study.

I have never been on holiday on my own or with friends
... although I often think about how nice it would be it is one of the last things that comes to my mind when I spend my money or save up for something.

I have financial problems
... because I receive benefits, am paying off my gas & electricity bills after not paying for about two years, and I have a dog to keep me company and keep me safe when I go out. Before I got him half a year ago I was atatcked a few times so having him is worth more than the added financial burden; nevertheless it is noticeable. I also lack some of the basics, e.g. I haven't got a washing machine or a functioning oven, no means of transport except for my own feet

It might seem that I have written a lot about myself but in comparsion to all the things I have been through in my life so far it seem like the most concise voerview I could get together.

I have been having dreams for a while in which I scream for help (without knowing what kind o fhelp I am expecting) and after which I always seem to wake up. Those dreams have become more frequent and now I can notice a state of despair even during waking hours because I don't know what to do, where to start and whether my situation is ever going to improve.

After moving to the UK seven years ago, I briefly had a job (for another large corporation) which lasted about three months util I became so unmotivated that despite my achievements it must have been very obvious and they terminated the contract. I had a brief period of regularly overdosing on my medication as a kind of cry for help but after I was referred to the Gender Identity Clinic, my personal situation improved and I didn;t see any need for it anymore, besides the fact that I probably would have been considered as psychologically too unstable for the kind of support I was expecting. So at the moment the risk of me self-harming is relatively small. I probably would be more likely to phone the hospital if I had any such intentions or planned to commit suicide. But nevertheless it seems that I am taking the 'slow route' downwards.

I almost forgot, my usual dealer went on holiday about a week ago and I haven't smoked any weed for a few days (usually I smoke from morning till late at night). I could have fairly easily checked out other possibilities, but that hasn't seemed worth the effort.

Not sure what else to say except that I am very unhappy and if I carry on writing I'd probably be able to find dozens and dozens more reasons why my life feels like hell.

Not sure if what I have written makes sense but I'm not going to re-read for spelling, grammar or logical mistakes. I've had enough for today.
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Old 05-16-10, 11:04 PM   #2
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Maybe I should add that I am currently missing all my appointments (doctor, dentist etc.) because of my disturbed sleeping pattern so there is no point in anyone telling me that I should just 'go and see my doctor about it' or anything else which interfers with me being awake at night and asleep during the day. I just haven't got the strength or motivation.
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Old 05-17-10, 01:14 AM   #3
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Hi Broken,

Well you have a list of impossible problems really don't you?

You've done a great thing though in listing each one of them as, in one big pile it is impossible to even approach.

So I'll start small.

First thing is what do you want to do about all these things? You say you're intelligent and a quick learner so you should be able to see and acknowledge that you cannot solve it all in one go. Right? Obvious.

So pick a few or even just one at a time to work on so other parts of your life can improve.

I'll tell you first that counselling will never work if you are deep depression as you don't have the ability to self analyse, dig through the rubble and find the things you need to. You can list what's going on but you cannot solve them due yo the weight of all these medical and social issues weighing you down.

Meds are needed to lift your mood up enough to be able to make sense of therapy and ensure it goes somewhere.

One I say say just forget it is the dreams isue. They mean nothing and just reflect the diffculty you are in in your conscious life. But on their own the dreams have no signifigance and are not telling you anything. Ignore them as you won't find answers in them.

Quite a few of the items on the list are co dependant. IE financial problems are sure to follow the other combinations of problems. Add in missing appointments and smoking dope and they all really lean on each other.

A number are simply symptoms of depression, albeit nightmares in themselves.

I'd suggest to you to work on two things as here :

: The sleep pattern is indeed crucial to our mental health. If our sleep patterns are shot then so is any chance ay ordinary life. I should say here mine are totally shot but I don't need to go out except to the docs or local stuff, school things for my daughter etc.

You must try to stabilise this in any way you can. Doctors can advise and give meds to sleep so you have a shot at sleeping at appropriate times which then tends to organise your habits more and allow you to be awake during the times appointments are needed to be attended.

: Smoking dope. I too used to smoke and have for 40 years. But I have had periods off smoking regularly, including decade long periods. Over the last 10 years I have smoked it one deal at a time and then stop. Currently it's been nearly 18 months and I don't feel a need or desire for it right now.

I had been using it also for pain and it' really does help there but it's not a long term solution. No matter what we smoke, if we smoke it regularly it stops giving us the lift we seek so smoking all the time means you need to smoke all the time, all day and night as you just don't get the hit you do if you stop for some months. It's not addictive as you should know, it's that we want to smoke really and think it's great even when it's not.

I can tell you also that having a break allows the next time to be what it used to be, for a while. I ask what's the point if all you are achieving is sleep and lots of it?

And of course if you did stop the financial problems would start to lessen would they not.

Two tasks there, big ones but achievable. Challenge yourself and ask if you can at least try these two so you can find out how much of a quick learner you really are. Learning about ourselves is the hardest thing to do but I challenge you to try.
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Old 05-17-10, 09:04 PM   #4
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Thanks, Justmoi.

I did manage to see a little light in my life today. At 8.30 I was still awake and phoned my doctor (who is only available Mondays and Wednesdays) for an appointment. As illogical as it might sound, in the past I often had the attitude which told me that there was no point in getting up at that time to pick up the phone because there is never a guarantee that a person calling in will get an appointment and in that case I would be even more frustrated Or I would think that there is no guarantee I will be awake at the time I need to go to the appointment (the health system in the UK does indeed suck compared to where I lived before and where people could just drop in to ANY surgery at ANY time of the day without having to phone in the morning and hoping they'd be seen).

I didn't mention in my post that two months ago I was prescribed some antidepressants which after a month mad eme feel better and regain my appetite but which I had ran out of four weeks ago and had since not replaced. I managed to sleep for four hours after arranging the appointment (aided by a Valium which I had been able to keep for several months despite my previous experiences with substance abuse) and then went to pick up the new prescription. Afterwards I couldn't help myself but get some more sleep but nevertheless I have hope that I'll be able to get to bed after writing this (it is 3am now) and get up at a reasonable time. Since then I have been feeling more relaxed without all the worries and fears which usually accompany me. I managed to find myself content with simply BEING instead of worrying about what I 'should' be doing.

By the time I woke up around sunset I hadn't eaten anything and made myself a dish of pasta, of which I managed to eat half. I am feeling a bit sick because of not eating properly but aren't experienceing any of the chest pains which I have been suffering from recently (anxiety?) and I have the feeling that tomorrow is going to be a better day. Also my emotional state has changed from 'crappy' to something more neutral - neither good nor bad. I have learned from past experience not to become too euphoric when I notice an improvement in my well-being, because the higher I get, the deeper I fall when things get rough again. But I have definitely got a more positive outlook on life than I have been experiencing during the last month as I could see my emotional and physical health constantly declining.

Of course there is the possibility that the Valium which I took some 15 hours ago is still having some effect on me which might rebound tomorrow. But if I get up in time to enjoy some sunshine, do some shopping etc. (as I get my money tomorrow) then any kind of improvement is better than the state I have been finding myself in lately.
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Old 05-18-10, 06:52 AM   #5
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Well it is 12.45 pm and I woke up about an hour ago. I was feeling so weak (after just eating a few spoonfuls fo Risotto two days ago and half a portionof pasta yesterday) that I spent almost an hour lying on the sofa, unable to move (not sure whether it's physical or just mental). Just had half a pot of soya desert which I still had in the fridge, I think that's given me a slight boost. But I feel so sick - I know that eating would help me but I can't think of anything I fancy. Definitely nothing I've got at home but I'll have to take my dog out soon anyway. Just the thought of having to go through all the hassle of getting ready first is making me shudder (as already mentioned, I'm transgender and would be feeling really vulnerable going out without making at least a little bit of effort first). And I can hardly bear the thought of having to face the outside wordl ...

On the other hand I am getting my money today, not that I feel any great pleasure about the thought but I need to pick it up nevertheless.

And on Tuesdays there is always a weekly group for people with gender issues. I have skipped it a lot in the past - sometimes I feel quite comfortable there, but a lot of the time I find it difficult to identify with the other people there. Many people just seem so shallow to me, and many of them are happily looking forward to their gender reassignment surgery, whereas I have no idea where I am heading (after cancelling my appointment for surgery a few years ago).

Just seems like another day I somehow have to get through ... and then another one ... and another ... but if I don't manage to eat properly (which I can't see myself doing, considering how sick I feel) I'll just feel worse & worse every day.
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