As the title of my posts says, I have so many issues that I am having difficulties figuring out what to do, probably resulting in a huge amount of complacency.
However I will try to order my thoughts and describe my personal situation:
I am 37 years old
... and I often think that at this age I should be well advanced on some career path, have a partner, have some financial security etc.
I am transgender
... which doesn't make things easier. I have never had the feeling that I 'fit in' anywhere, even among other people with gender issues I feel that I am different. I was taking hormones for severl years and felt a bit more stable but about 18 months ago I stopped taking them because I relapsed on smoking and told myself that I wasn't prepared to take the risk of getting DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) although I am not sure whether that is really the reason or whether I am just unsure about what path I want to take. I had an appointment for Gender Reassignment Surgery two years ago which I cancelled because I had second thoughts and just over a year ago I started missing my appointments at the hospital so they discharged me both fromseeing the doctors there as well as from voice therapy. I registered with another voice therapist but missed my appointments there too.
I have a history of substance abuse
... at the age of 16 I started drinking heavily, smoking dope and taking just about every other substance I could get hold of. I dropped out of school without any qualifications and seven years later I had my first break from everything (which lasted six months) which helped me get a job in a warehouse. Within a very short period of time I worked my way up and about two years later became an IT and Marketing specialist for one of the world's largest corporations. This lasted 3 years until I came out to friends, started expressing my true gender and couldn't face the idea of having to go back to work after a period of sickness because those were the early days of my transition.
I suffer from OCD (not officially diagnosed but it's obvious)
... I have taught myself several skill such as web design and in the past designed pages for friends (for a very small fee). I'd usually sit in front of my computer about 15 hours a day with hardly any sleep because I would become completely euphoric about my achievements and even after going to bed coul;dn't wait to get up again and continue my work. I was ripped off a few times so now I have no more interest in working for anyone other than myself. I also became fed up with the corporate business after my last job which lasted 3 days. I was mastering tasks which others who had been in the company for several months weren't able to do without supervision after their manager had left in the evening, I got on extremely well with everyone and I was on a natural high during those 3 days. Then the company got the results of the pre-employment drug and alcohol screening and I was discharged becasue I had only stopped smoking weed two weeks earlier and it was showing in the results. Everyone whom I was working with including my mangers was completely gutted but it was a decision which was made in the corporate headquarters abroad.
But to cut a long point short: I am capable of mastering just about every task which I am handed withih a very short period of time first of all becasue of my intelligence and secondly because I am unable to focus on anything else while learning the necessary skills.
I suffer from depression
... and was prescribed antidepressants in 2002 before moving to another country. After getting the job which I mentioned above (the one which I lost due to the D&A test results) I stopped taking them and didn't have any problems for some time. At the moment however I felt desperate about changing my situation but I lack both focus and energy.
I am very lethargic
... although I would like to change things I don't know where to start and I also feel very weak due to the fact that I have hardly been eating anything for months. Today I went out for a meal but after a few bites felt so sick that I gave the rest to my dog whom I had with me. Also all my clothes haven't been washed for ages (I haven't got my own washing machine but even if I did I am not sure if I could even be motivated enough to do some washing) and I only have a bath once every few weeks or so, as embarrassing as it is for me to say that.
I am hardly eating anything
... which started about a year ago. I was doing some voluntary work fo ra support group (web design, technical support etc.) but last Summer we hosted a range of events and I ended up having to do all the work because some people seriously let me down and I felt responsible to go ahead with the events. A few days beforehand I was so stressed that I was living mainly frmo sweets for several days and after the events I saw no other choice other than resigning and handing in my position. I don't know how much I weigh but I am incredibly thin and it gets worse every day.
I have counselling sessions once a week which don't seem to help
... because I think about what issues affect me most before a session, but afterwards I keep thinking that I have so much going on that I wasn't able to get to the really important issues.
I have a seriously disturbed sleeping pattern
... which means that at the moment I wake up sometime in the evening and go to sleep sometime after sunrise, often not until it is nearly midday. Obviously that way I miss all the daylight hours.
I don't have any close friends
... it seems very difficult for me to bond closely with other people so that I just have casual acquaintances which change all the time.
Two years ago I was subjected to emotional, physical and financial abuse
... ad it totally devastated me. If the job which I mentioned above was the trigger for me to lose any motivation regarding finding work, then this was the reason why I have stayed far away from even thinking about a relationship. About three years ago I felt very happy because the hormones were kicking in and I got compliments from people every day (even took part in two beauty pageants) but I haven't heard any such compliments for a long time becasue I hardly pay any attention at all to my appearance.
I have never had a satisfying relationship
... enough said, see above.
I left school without qualifications
... I went to grammar school with top marks in all subjects but after that my marks steadily declined, I became very rebellious, kept getting letters sent home to my parents (once they got three in one day) and had to leave school early while most of my classmates went on to take theri 'A' levels and study.
I have never been on holiday on my own or with friends
... although I often think about how nice it would be it is one of the last things that comes to my mind when I spend my money or save up for something.
I have financial problems
... because I receive benefits, am paying off my gas & electricity bills after not paying for about two years, and I have a dog to keep me company and keep me safe when I go out. Before I got him half a year ago I was atatcked a few times so having him is worth more than the added financial burden; nevertheless it is noticeable. I also lack some of the basics, e.g. I haven't got a washing machine or a functioning oven, no means of transport except for my own feet
It might seem that I have written a lot about myself but in comparsion to all the things I have been through in my life so far it seem like the most concise voerview I could get together.
I have been having dreams for a while in which I scream for help (without knowing what kind o fhelp I am expecting) and after which I always seem to wake up. Those dreams have become more frequent and now I can notice a state of despair even during waking hours because I don't know what to do, where to start and whether my situation is ever going to improve.
After moving to the UK seven years ago, I briefly had a job (for another large corporation) which lasted about three months util I became so unmotivated that despite my achievements it must have been very obvious and they terminated the contract. I had a brief period of regularly overdosing on my medication as a kind of cry for help but after I was referred to the Gender Identity Clinic, my personal situation improved and I didn;t see any need for it anymore, besides the fact that I probably would have been considered as psychologically too unstable for the kind of support I was expecting. So at the moment the risk of me self-harming is relatively small. I probably would be more likely to phone the hospital if I had any such intentions or planned to commit suicide. But nevertheless it seems that I am taking the 'slow route' downwards.
I almost forgot, my usual dealer went on holiday about a week ago and I haven't smoked any weed for a few days (usually I smoke from morning till late at night). I could have fairly easily checked out other possibilities, but that hasn't seemed worth the effort.
Not sure what else to say except that I am very unhappy and if I carry on writing I'd probably be able to find dozens and dozens more reasons why my life feels like hell.
Not sure if what I have written makes sense but I'm not going to re-read for spelling, grammar or logical mistakes. I've had enough for today.