I've had this for about 4-5 years. I turned 16 recently. Male. 123 lbs. 5'6". I have to make a point clear right now (please do not take it personally; I love you guys for reading this): do NOT tell me to exercise. It caused these feelings. First it was the competition in soccer (11-14 years old) which I failed at (made fun of too), then the failure in school sports (didn't ever make ANY team I tried out for, even if I was "okay"; also made fun of for that), now it's the anxiety I face with an intense weight lifting and plyometric program. Basically, I forced myself through every session of weightlifting and plyometrics, and I HATED ALL OF IT. I would get EXTREMELY nervous before every workout (nervous to the extent of being light-headed, about to faint), irrationally scared of the weight -- and no energy at all to lift either. I NEVER felt like working out and had absolutely NO motivation. Coupled with my chronic insomnia -- I never felt rested. I dragged myself to the gym - half asleep - constantly failing reps even with a deload. I didn't even get the serotonin boost that everyone talks about afterwards. I quit all together. I don't exercise any more.
Since I was so used to exercising, I feel like a lazy ***** not doing anything. I WANT to be lazy even though it makes me hate myself more. I HATE exercise with a passion. It just causes me to feel worse. I used to enjoy soccer, but after I kept failing, and my teammates would make fun of me, I quit. Never had fun exercising again. Ever. The only thing I hate more than exercise is myself. My stupid, unathletic, overly-sentimental, unconfident, low self-esteem, bug-eyed freak, failure, anti-social self. All I do now is cry the entire day on weekends, and cry when I come back from school. My grades are suffering as a result -- and honestly, I couldn't care less. I was never destined to get a well-paying job anyways. I wouldn't mind being lower-middle class. It's not much different than now. To be brutally honest, I have no desire to overcome depression. I hate feeling this way but I'm sleeping WAY better (more than 3hrs/night) because I lost hope for my life, and I'm not nervous about a workout the next day. My diet crashed now as well. I used to be VERY regimented in my exercise and diet, counting calories, grams of protein, whole foods, never missing a workout even though I hated it. Now I'm eating like crap, and I don't care if it's bad for me either. I still feel exorbitantly guilty after not exercising and eating pop tarts all day, but I still do those things. It's almost as if I want to subconsciously k*ll myself. Even though I don’t want to. Mostly because it would hurt those close to me. I really despise myself though. To the point that I can’t even look into a mirror or else I’ll start crying and wanting to fight the person staring at me in the mirror.
Oh yeah, my parents, who’ve been married happily for 15 years, are getting divorced. I thought I’d mention that. If you couldn’t tell, I’m kinda delirious right now. I don’t know why I’m even typing this. I don’t even think I have a question. I just need to vent a little. My dad gets really furious at me when I cry. I’ve learned to cry really silently in my room to avoid his yelling. Okay, now I’m clearly ranting. Sorry about that. I have no previous accomplishment to keep my confidence up, only failure to demotivate me. I know what you’ll say: “Einstein failed many times, Michael Jordan failed many times. They used it as their motivation to become extremely successful! Do the same!”. No matter how much I want to believe it. That never works. I’m seeing therapy, but I REFUSE to be put on meds. This is a psychological problem. I know EXACTLY why I’m depressed. Well, anyways, thanks so much for making it this far.
Oh yeah, one more thing: I know I’m privileged to have a loving family (for the most part), access to food/water, shelter, and education, etc.. This makes me feel even more like a wimpy douchebag. I have one piece of good news though. I might be getting a dog soon. I’ve always wanted a dog. Well guys. Good night.