I've had a very stressful year so far. I'm broke, saving up for a college course, someone just died, I've been harassed by a very verbally abusive ex, the love of my life is now in jail, a friend of three years is no longer a friend because of a stupid incident during which he chose to tell me he is romantically infatuated with me, I have a stupid, inconsistent self employed job, tax returns due etc etc etc. whatever right? such is life. Wrong. If only.
I am constantly struggling with my emotions. It is ridiculous because i know I can handle this, I'm just not doing a very good job right now and I feel like I'm messing up every time. If i'm not crying endlessly, sobbing, I'm running around cracking jokes, being silly and taking control of the situation by making fun of it. Usually, the latter is quite healthy, but I feel like it's becoming a barrier no one can cross. i charm people, I make them laugh then I push them right back out the door again once I can feel myself crack because I don't think, in my brain, that being grown up means this
. It's about being strong, keeping it together and repressing everything even though I suck at all of the above and I know for a fact that nobody will read this right the way through because we all hate each others' problems. I feel isolated, alone and unhappy and the worst part is, I'm used to it. I do it to myself.
I'm tired. I have insomnia, broken sleep and I'm feeling sick when I eat. It started when I decided to take up jogging and now I just can't seem to stop losing weight. Usually, I am not complaining on this but people are starting to worry. I'm eating less and less. Yesterday, for example, I had three apples and half a bowl of stew and then I felt sick. I only ate the stew because the Spanish Inquisition (housemates) made me. It's rather like I feel hungry but I'm so stressed that I ignore it. Then I feel tired because I haven't eaten. Then I don't sleep. All I can think about is work, paying off this fee, getting out of here and forgetting that guy but I just can't. I'm trying to eat at certain times since i know this cannot be helping the insomnia and nausea and now some migraines have come along to join the party. And i'm covered in eczema which is a lot of fun.
Just keep waking up, forcing myself to eat something, jogging, showering, brushing my teeth and working. And even that seems so hard to the point that I am constantly berating myself for being so pampered as to not just get on with things. It's painful. It hurts.
And all I can do is laugh or just stay very quiet. I feel so stressed, so depressed and like I just can't stop. Just keep swallowing it all back like some nasty pill and it's making me sick. I have no one to talk to and, even if I did, I can't face this beyond the facts. I can't face how unhappy I am and I just keep pushing to the finish line. Just feels very, very hard right now.