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Depressed, lonely, broke, you name it.

This is a discussion on Depressed, lonely, broke, you name it. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Hi guys, as I said in my introduction post, I wanted to learn more about myself. However I want to ...

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Old 07-27-14, 08:18 PM   #1
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Default Depressed, lonely, broke, you name it.

Hi guys, as I said in my introduction post, I wanted to learn more about myself. However I want to post all the problems that are circling in my head which are becoming worse by the days. You might have heard these all before, but I wanted to share them with you anyway. However, a warning - this is a long post. As Samuel L. Jackson once said:

Hold on to your butts.
So, here we go.

I was an international student in an American university abroad who have just recently graduated with two separate degrees and I feel like I have nowhere else to go, as well as having a stunted maturity compared to other friends of my age (born 1991). I am now currently looking for job opportunities within the US for experience, but luck hasn't been on my side lately, and having extreme low self-esteem and easily depressed, the pressures that I inflict upon myself are overwhelming. I have not consulted a psychiatrist as I always feared that it would take even more pressure on my funding (reason below).

Firstly, my father is very past his age of retirement yet he is still working as of this typing Ė but can retire at any time now. I am an only child (a spoilt one at that), but my family isnít rich. They probably have spent most (if not all) of their savings to get me the education I wanted. I want to be a filmmaker (or at least be involved in the film business) as I have a mad-crazy obsession with films and filmmaking. I blame myself for not trying earlier, and for stupidly deciding to pick a second degree in finance (which I dislike) as a safety net out of fear and another reason I wish not to disclose, and switch from filmmaking to cinema studies to help lighten the load on my parents (they paid entirely for my education, of which I intend to pay them back). Iíve been getting rejection upon rejection letter ever since.

I also madly, truly miss my home country, my friends and my family. However coming back to my country with no job experience just means a waste of money and time in my opinion. This is why I decided to force myself to stay here for about two years consecutively now (and still am) to be more mature and be less clingy to home trying unsuccessfully so far to find a job in the cinema/communication/finance field. My only prior job experiences were interns at operations and human resources at various companies, and a freelance videographer and film critic for my community college Ė totaling up to a yearís worth, though I havenít worked at all since arriving in the United States, not even on campus jobs. I have been a depressed wreck and feel completely demotivated to do anything since, having not seeing my family and friends for two years, and even hearing some of them pass away or move to other places due to their change in lifestyle. Iím not very good at expressing myself and always love to keep to myself. The breaking point for me emotionally was when my parents told me my dog of 12 years have died, and I was not even there to say goodbye or to say sorry that I wasnít a good owner even.

I have no social life to speak of. My idea of leisure is to watch movies by myself in the theater or at home. At occasions, I do have some friends to watch them with me so that is nice. However, I do not enjoy sports, politics, economics, business, music, video games etc. You could say I have Aspergerís when it comes to movies. Seeing all my friends from school of my age or younger getting jobs and having lots of fun with their group of friends left a big hole in my heart, as I wondered what ever did I do (I eventually stopped following them on Facebook). I did have a girl I really had feelings for and thought she was absolutely perfect, but she rejected me on amicable terms (weíre still good friends), however I felt she was the one to save me, and donít get me wrong, she is a wonderful person, but her rejection burned me from the inside out further Ė whenever she mentions about dating someone else or starting a new family, I weep on my bed. The only thing thatís keeping me from removing her from my life altogether (and I know I should) is because sheís one of the very true friends I have thatís maintaining contact with me so far Ė a number I can count on one hand without doubling up. Lately I feel that she is less and less my type so the pain is lessening, thankfully so far.

As for sex, there is none to speak of. I am a straight male, but I feel chickened out whenever I speak to an attractive woman. I am overweight (thankfully not obese), so add that with my joblessness, anti-socialness and movie Aspergerís and itís a walking chick repel of negative self-esteem. I have also developed an addiction to videos and content of a certain fetish, that is borderline but never pornography, and I get whatever pleasure I can off it and canít stop fantasizing about it for the past seven years. No one I know knows about this.

Whenever I see a couple, smiling away and walking hand in hand at the park, I smile for them but inside I cry for myself, knowing that I might never have that feeling as long as I live. Iíve thought about suicide once, but ultimately decided that it was stupid to do so. Either I would be wasting the rest of my life away, or perhaps escaping further punishment from above. Iíve been raised a Catholic but more and more circumstances chip away at my defenses Ė my dogís death being the final straw into me doubting God. Itís only been downhill from there.

So Iím broke, depressed, overweight, lonely, jobless, homesick, guilty, ashamed, and heartbroken. I find my dreams slowly chipping away (I truly, TRULY want to work in the film industry at any capacity, be it production or financing, even if it is for a short period of time just to have that experience). Itís a miracle I donít drink or smoke, otherwise I would be even worse off. I do get panic attacks (mild ones) sometimes, and social anxiety attacks far too often lately. At times I despise myself so badly that I welcome death. Itís scary. The only thing keeping me alive right now is my love for cinema. I have such an unconditional love for the beautiful art form at the moment it is frightening.

I wasnít always like this. When I was a wee tyke I was a hyperactive, spoilt, skinny brat prankster who loved causing trouble and being in the limelight. After pissing off the wrong people in high school, I kinda got what I deserved, but I canít help but feel that led me to what I am now.

Thatís why Iím typing this, I donít want sympathy. I need help on what to do with the rest of my life. I want to stop all of this and want to move forward with my life. I need to hear what should be my next step as I am so overwhelmed with this much pressure Iíve inflicted upon myself that I canít hear or think anything anymore. I donít care whether it is an answer I would hate to hear or a favorable one, I just want to hear what should I do and where should I go from here on out. I want an honest answer, not a one-sentence write-off. As long as it makes sense for me to contemplate.

That's what I have to say about myself. Thank you for your time, I appreciate the help and advice I can get.
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Old 07-28-14, 08:45 AM   #2
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I am so sorry to hear all of this. Fight your depression and sadness and fight for life you want to live. Never give up and never look down on yourself. For advice, well, you are the one who knows yourself the best, and all answers are in yourself, you just need to find them.
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Old 07-28-14, 11:10 AM   #3
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seviper93~First of all, welcome to TTL Hope you don't mind my thoughts here on your thread.

You seem like a very intelllectual person. I have no doubts, by not only your posting, but the "drive" you have, seems like you can do whatever it is that you put your own mind too. My only word of advice, with that aspect of things, never doubt yourself, your goals, or what you're aiming to achieve.

My own daughter's an only child. That being said, in many areas, of your own life, I'm able to relate to where you're seeing things, so to speak. For things on your social life, that you said you don't have;currently. You can always meet new/fascinating people by volunteering your time. First of all, I'm a big advocate for volunteering for any place(s) that help animals. You can be doing them a service, meeting new people, & expanding your social area. Just a thought. There's many groups, of different places that you can also meet people with the same/similar intrest(s) that you have. Just some options for you to think about, consider, & maybe even check into.

For your own doubts with God. My personal take on it is this;only. Never doubt that he has a bigger/greater plan for yourself. There's been many of times(now being one of them for myself)that you can't always see what he has on his adjenda, so to speak. Never lose the faith that you have, because he always is listening. Sometimes, WE are the one's that have to figure out our own ways/paths, because we can't learn IF he would "do it all for us."

For your sexual life. I believe that it's "over rated." People seem to have sex, just to have it for the sake of saying they did. Sex, at least to me, is special. It's supposed to be given, as the "final level" in a serious realationship. While that's MY opionion, that's how I see/view it. When the time's right within your own life, you'll "find what you're seeking" on that level. Just remember it will come within the time it's supposed too.

For the rest of the things that you mentioned on your posting. Being broke, yes, I understand it's hard, but you can try to change/alter that apect of your life. Even taking something part time, is better than nothing. In that aspect of things, I will mention that I'm jealous of most that are able/capable of working. I myself, am disabled. For the depression aspect of things. Find things that help you;help yourself out of the things/issues that are "aiding" in your own depression. Try not to view the couples walking, as something that makes you depressed, for an example, yet turn that around into a postive thing. Like telling yourself, that will be me, in "x amount of time" after I find what path/direction I need to be heading too.

For the rest of the things you listed a what's making you depressed. Start taking one at a time & working on it. Baby steps, is what I'm referring too. Nothing comes overnight, as I'm sure you're aware of. However, changing how we deal with things, is what makes us stronger & able to keep moving forward. If there's something that you're unhappy with/displeased with, about yourself, your life, or anything else, God has given YOU the choice to change it. You're the one that has to want it. Want it for all the right reason(s) & be able to keep moving/pushing forward when things/life become a bit difficult or even overwhelming. Like I said previously here, these are only my own thoughts/opinions. In the end, it's up to you to decided what's your best course of action(s) to take & know that YOU can do it. In the meanwhile, we'll be here for you.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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depression, jobless, loneliness, social anxiety, help me

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