This week is completely falling apart for me. Yesterday I was in a car accident, I missed a math exam, forgot to hand in a paper, and the worst my girl friends parents are on her about seeing me too much. We have been together for a year and 5 months and plan on getting married. Her father is the only element that is standing in the way. He is never home, he is always working and when he is home all he does is rip her apart. On week nights it is a rule that we have to be off the phone at 10pm. And we do stick to that, when her father is home he always cuts it short he comes in at 9:15 or 9:30 and screams at her, so loud that i can hear it on my end. She hasn't done anything wrong to deserve the treatment she is getting. Isn't a father supposed to be loving and caring? Last night she called me at 11:30pm and said she felt like she was a failure. He told her that he feels that we see each other too much and that he was disappointed in her. The only time we see each other is on the weekends. Mainly sat. and Sunday morning at church. He doesn't understand how much I love her, he believes it can't be true because we are too young. I would give my life for this girl, anything it would take to stay with her. If I can't see her anymore, I have no reason left to live. She is my purpose, my other half, she completes the fractured pieces of what is left of my heart. I don't know what to do anymore, I have bronchitis, im taking the full amount of possible credits in college, I play guitar for a youth group, and I just want to quit everything.
I was thinking about going over to her house tonight and speaking with her father but i don't want it to come off as disrespect when I share all of this, any suggestions.......?

hi i think start by thinking what you would say to him...maybe figure out a plan with him that would work for all three of you? clear up any awkwardness etc.? what would you say?

And I'd add that no matter age or whatever, you still have common sense, if this girl is someone you want to marry and spend your life with, i'm sure it will happen just the same if you end up having to see each other a bit less or anything like that so think of that to keep you up when you're down. And it sucks but don't give up on the things that definitely will play a role while trying to escape feelings, if you mess up any of the other things you'd give her Dad evidence that you are not good for her (in his own way of course, he's probably wrong, but you know over protective dads, if you mess up in school or with the youth group it'll reflect on your chivalry and that's what dad's trust...) so try not to give him reason to personalize this, be on good behavior and take your time figuring out...she'll be there the rest of your life right.

on a practical note...i have no straight answer that'll help...

how are you feeling though? I mean sounds like you've just had a really rough day yesterday with the car accident?!?! and math exam (hope teacher understands??)...and the paper?? :X eek...sorry dude...i can def. feel that pain lol.

I know her father trusts me, and we have a decent relationship, hes almost like a second father. The only thing is, when he gets these bipolar attitudes he confuses me. I come down to the question of does he even love his own daughter? I feel like I constantly pick her up off the floor after he finishes with her.

Personally I've had many bouts of depression in my past. All of my middle school and high school years were spent alone. I was never good at making friends or finding people who would accept me for who I am. my girlfriend is the only one who understands me. Over the years I've gone through the stages of cutting, which i promised i would never do again.....I couldn't keep my word on that.

As far as the car accident some lady ran a stop sign and plowed into my front bumper as i was making a left hand turn. I'm ok and my car is fine. Her car on the other hand was smashed in. She told the cop it was my fault and that i was in the wrong lane.....I was in the middle of the road cause i was making my turn. She had the stop sign so ultimately it was her fault. I'm still uneasy as to what my insurance will say though, and that is not helping my stress level. The math exam the teacher said I can make it up at the testing center but i will only have 45 mintues instead of an hour to do it. ( I suck at math).

This week is completely falling apart for me. Yesterday I was in a car accident, I missed a math exam, forgot to hand in a paper, and the worst my girl friends parents are on her about seeing me too much.

Hi and welcome! I hope you are OK from your accident! *hugs* And a math exam can be made up in that circumstance, I am sure. :)

We have been together for a year and 5 months and plan on getting married. Her father is the only element that is standing in the way. He is never home, he is always working and when he is home all he does is rip her apart. On week nights it is a rule that we have to be off the phone at 10pm. And we do stick to that, when her father is home he always cuts it short he comes in at 9:15 or 9:30 and screams at her, so loud that i can hear it on my end. She hasn't done anything wrong to deserve the treatment she is getting. Isn't a father supposed to be loving and caring?

It's my opinion here that your girlfriends father is dealing with a lot of stress, and maybe his own feelings of depression, and unfortunately chooses to take it out on your girlfriend. I think that is pretty shameful. I am sorry that both of you are going through this time.

Last night she called me at 11:30pm and said she felt like she was a failure. He told her that he feels that we see each other too much and that he was disappointed in her. The only time we see each other is on the weekends. Mainly sat. and Sunday morning at church. He doesn't understand how much I love her, he believes it can't be true because we are too young. I would give my life for this girl, anything it would take to stay with her. If I can't see her anymore, I have no reason left to live".

What her father is really saying (to me) is "I'm jealous you are happy and I want you to come down to my level". Which again, when someone is really unhappy, that is not unusual. But it's not right either. This statement you made "If I can't see her anymore, I have no reason left to live" worries me a bit. You simply cannot throw an "all or nothing" into a relationship. I do know, you obviously love this girl so much. But just know...if for some reason it wouldn't work out...there is always another girl out there for you. I know this might not be what you want to hear...but I am just being honest with you.

She is my purpose, my other half, she completes the fractured pieces of what is left of my heart. I don't know what to do anymore, I have bronchitis, im taking the full amount of possible credits in college, I play guitar for a youth group, and I just want to quit everything.

You're just feeling overwhelmed right now...you are being pulled in a lot of directions. Being sick, trying to get a degree, helping others...at times you probably just want to pull back and be alone. So that makes things feel out of control. If there are some commitments you can pull back from for a time...I suggest you do that until you can work things out in your personal life. Don't take on more then you are ready to handle.

I was thinking about going over to her house tonight and speaking with her father but i don't want it to come off as disrespect when I share all of this, any suggestions.......?

This is a really hard situation. If you did go over, I would simply ask her father what is it about you he doesn't like? It might just be that if he isn't happy, then no one is, including his daugther. In that case, there is little you can do about that. At the same time, you also need to stand firm in your love and say the same kinds of things ("I love her. I am devoted to her. I would give my life for her. I want to support her the rest of my life and raise a family."). Above all...I would avoid questions like "Why do you have a problem with us" and "Don't you want your daughter to be happy", because those might provoke a bad response. Keep the focus on either you or both of you...just don't confront him directly.

I will pray for you and this decision. We at TTL are here for you *hugs*

Joe

hiya...

i wrote you a great answer and then i lost it when my boss came here...i can't focus on work and may be throwing it down the drain as we speak, ah well...

anyway that's not your problem. I just was telling you that if he likes you its great i'd consider then what he's like and what maybe misinterpreted, how etc. beforehand. for example if he's a traditionalist he may take you as a young boy talking out of place, in which case try asking her mom about it he'd think is more appropriate etc.

you just don't want to make the situation worse, whether that be your relationship with her dad, or hers with him.

Also my dad is like that, can you believe in fifth grade i remember hiding my test cause the one before my friend got mad at my mark being higher. i get home and happily (securely I thought) show him my 98% and tell him how i got the second highest mark and his response the minute he heard that 'oh, well that's not first...you have more to work on, why didn't you get that?' when i got to middle school and he saw B's and the D (in gym!) he decided i'm going to be 'just like my brothers' (who aren't THAT bad anyway! they were in h.s. at the time for god's sake) and to him that was that, i'm worthless.

To this date, even when I am qualified in ways that will help him and our family if he just so much as acknowledged me or my skills...he treats me like an insignificant dimwit...

i know it sounds awful but i'm pretty certain my Dad has what I have. My entire life i thought we're exactly alike, since i was a kiddo, and now I know it. But he's one of those guys who won't think these things are related, as I didn't...but my point is sometimes it could just be that's how a person is.

I think I have borderline personality disorder i'm 99% certain, it describes me to the T. but we'll see I guess in a months time. Anyway have a read...but for me that and the fact that i've had his temper my whole life lets me ignore him. Cause at the same time he's the dad that (being a sinlge dad) gave me the most awkward talk about how i can come home even if i got knocked up he'd be mad but not forever lol...parents are human, its not always meant as abuse because we're their kids. so we will sometimes have to take the good with the bad too.

what's her dad like otherwise? Could this be stress that's compounding itself and showing itself at home? or any other explanation...it helped me deal with my father, maybe it'll help her if you can't solve the problem for her.

Well for one he is never home. Hes a consultant so he travels most of the time. Aside from my girlfriend she has two siblings. Her mother runs the house and when he comes home everything falls apart because they're not used to him being there. When he walks in the door his wife tells him everything that went wrong while he was gone, and already being stressed out he flips on them.

Ahhh I see...that sucks. Has your girlfriend tried talking to her mom about it?

Maybe her mom can stop telling him everything in that way? I know my bf flips out if I start harping when we get home from work, my dad used to when i was a kid...it could just be his own tension? (I work with consultants - IT - and they are wound up...and still act fake all day cause of their jobs.)

Maybe your girlfriend and her siblings can make a deal with their mom that she not tell their dad but hold them to it by giving them 24 hours to tell him from when he's home or something?

It is also good for them to admit their own faults, I don't know, sounds like something mothers would like.

I know often times when I have angry people around me that approach helps cause then they see you already feel the guilt and drive they try to put on you with anger so they try to encourage you to use it instead of getting angry at you for not ...you get what i mean?

good luck..i hope it works out for thetwo of you.

how are you feeling today?

Can I ask if your parents are in the picture and if they are, what sort of support could you get from them on this situation?