Hey there, I'm new to this so please be patient. I'm on here for any help and advice and also as a way to be heard as I feel I have exhausted my family so much with how helpless I've been feeling. This year has been my worst on record. Ill start from the start.
So my partner lover best friend of nearly 10 years and I decided to travel around Aus leaving mid 2015 to do 12 months travelling/working. obviously it was going to be a big change for us and before leaving I did have some mild anxiety just worrying about Afew 'what ifs' but once we got travelling it was such a great time of our lives I was on such a high! I'd say we had such a great relationship we got on really well, never cheated, had a house/car together were both successful in our jobs/hard workers and had many mutual friends, life was great travelling and even before that. Jan 2016 we were working and living with friends in Tasmania and I happened to have a dream about a friend from home committing suicide. I told my partner of course as we were so close and it's not something you share with everyone, we brushed it aside as a dream and forgot about it. A few weeks later that friend did die (possible suicide) I was so obviously shocked and devastated and unfortunately my partner had forgotten the dream I told him which hurt me. At the same time we were working with a man bit older than us who he had told me Afew days earlier that his brother had committed suicide. I felt very sorry for him and due to my own grieving I started thinking very irrationally towards this other man thinking he would possibily be better at supporting and understanding me due to his loss. Also I abruptly stopped my 5mg dose of anti-depressant which I had been on since I started travelling to settle my anxiety. Looking back now I did have some withdrawal symptoms I was dizzy for a whole week and had a few small anxiety attacks which at the time I didn't associate with my medication. My partner was also dropping engagement hints which annoyed me alittle because I'd told him I'd always wanted a complete suprise so this also put many doubts and worrys in my mind. When we got home in March my thoughts were all over the place and I made the decision to leave my partner and travel with my sister. I regret many things like not talking out all my thoughts and feelings with close friends and family as part of me was worried I was just over thinking and making a big mistake but part of me felt I had to as I had maintained contact with his other man (thinking silly things like maybe I had met him for a reason) my beautiful partner was devastated and so hurt and I hated hurting him and seeing him sad but for some reason I remained stubborn thinking I had to stick with my decision and that I just couldn't be with him if I had 'feelings' for someone else. Devastatingly my partner had an engagement ring and out of emotion and impulse I told him to return it. I left with my sister and looking back there was so many signs that I was missing my partner but I was also influenced by this other man that I had done the right thing so continued contacting him and getting to know him. Things got bitter then angry then sadness rollercoaster of emotions between my partner and I as we had to sort out money so i could solely own the house and him our travelling vehicle. I pushed him away convinced what I was doing felt right even though I wasn't deciding with my heart or soul just with my crazy head. My anxiety started returning worse than ever I was unable to sleep one night. Out of stubbornness I agreed to go back to tassie to see if his man was truely who I was suppose to be with. So many signs leading up to then was clearly pointing to No but I was so determined to find out and was in complete disbelief that it would be a fairy tale ending. Once seeing him I stayed with him for 3 days and everything felt wrong but I still felt I owed it to him to sleep with him. I felt I couldn't after months of communication tell him
No this feels wrong but honestly I felt really confused and unsure with myself so did it anyway. Straight away I knew I had done the wrong thing for so long and instantly felt regret sadness guilt pain for breaking my exes heart. I then went and stayed with friends where I didn't sleep due to extreme anxiety for maybe 3 weeks and I went straight home to my home town to my parents house as I couldn't keep travelling so anxious. I was a wreck. I contacted my ex telling him how sorry I am and how I regret it all and how sad I feel for causing us both so much pain and ruining our travelling. He's now back too but is doing so well mentally back at his old job earning good money, enjoying life. Meanwhile I struggle still with anxiety and depression everyday. I am on medication that does mask my anxiety symptoms and keeps me fairly calm but I can't help but feel the massive impact I've done to my life and my once perfect relationship. I have constant fear and regret now because I don't feel like my old
Self, I feel like I'm just a shell of what I use to be, my old self and life. I can't help but feel like this can't be fixed and am so incredibly angry and sad at myself because things will NEVER be the same again. I never had anxiety this bad before because my life was easy and happy with stable partner and friends. Now the future has a massive question mark over it and I can't shake the fear I get everyday. I'm living with my parents because my house is
Rented out but I have massive fear of being able to live back in my old place with all its old happy memories and I fear if I can't work properly it will be a struggle to live as comfortable as I use to. My partner and I are pretty much back together but we know things are different now. If he moves in with me he doesn't want to support us like he use to because technically now the house is fully mine because of what I've done. In the past it was Both of our future now I've stuffed up so much. Sometimes when I'm with him I get really anxious and emotional and overwhelmed with my massive mistakes. It's changed me, I struggle every day to just put 1
Foot in front of the other. I'm seeing specialists for my anxiety/depression do meditation hypnosis etc but feel like none of it will really work because it can't change the past and how I feel now about it. I have tried to end my life unsuccessfully. I don't want to hurt myself and family but I have anxiety every morning because I've woken up thinking about how much I've stuffed up and wish I wasn't here. I pray to 'God' to anyone to take me because I can't see myself having a good future anymore, I feel in time my partner will give up because of all my problems now and how I'm not the same person. Sorry this is massive but I just want someone to hear me out and if there is anyone out there who has made bad mistakes like this that have impacted so much in there life. Everyday I wish I could turn back time and I would have done the right thing and stayed with my partner, it was so obvious. We would have been able to keep travelling and making the best memories and getting engaged. Now I feel so upset and depressed with I see and hear people getting engaged and having a happy beautiful life because that was once what I wanted and what was suppose to happen for me till I turned it all on its head. It's sad to say I don't like myself anymore or feel worthy of happiness and love. I feel like this is so massive it will never get fixed