My name's Nicky, and I'm a 20 year old university student.
I wanted to join a forum where I could talk to other people who understand what it's like to constantly have that feeling of loneliness and despair. Even when it's unjustified.
I have been battling with several eating disorders for over a year now, caused by dieting and poor body image gone too far. I associate all of my emotions with food. I struggle to stop thinking about it, but know that when I'm unhappy, I turn to it.
I only became aware of it being associated with my depression when I went overseas for 3 weeks a few months ago. For the first time in years, I was truly happy and having a good time. And surprise surprise. I barely ever thought about food, and 2-3 bites of anything and I was stuffed. Returning home at my goal weight of 110 pounds, I managed to fall back into old eating patterns, putting me back at 115. In my obsessive state, I see myself as fat. And now I'm back to square one. Dieting, bingeing, and being unable to stop.
I am utterly repulsed by what I see in the mirror. Fat hips, fat stomach, double chin. Not to mention the flat chest and massive bags under my eyes. It took all my courage to tell my mum that I have problems with food. She didn't take it seriously. I asked her to stop having cereal in the cupboard, because it was my binge trigger. Her response was "Why should I suffer because you can't control yourself?"
Though my friends know me as bubbly and friendly, underneath it all, I just want to lay in my bed all day and night and sleep. And be left alone. I am single by choice, because I get fed up with guys not 'getting me' right away, or i judge them too quickly. If I do find a guy i like, I sleep with them, and then get bored of them. Sometimes I feel that I use sex as a distraction from food. It works...only temporarily though.
Most days I'm just so unhappy. I just feel so alone. And I'm always exhausted. Like I haven't slept in days.
In nature, I am too stubborn of a person to ever ask for help. So I thought the best way would be to do it anonymously.
Thanks for reading my epicly long spiel <3