All my life builds up to depression..
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All my life builds up to depression..

This is a discussion on All my life builds up to depression.. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; This is going to be really long, and you don't have to read it all, but I guess, to understand ...

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Old 06-30-10, 01:04 AM   #1
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Unhappy All my life builds up to depression..

This is going to be really long, and you don't have to read it all, but I guess, to understand what I'm dealing with I feel its sort of necessary. I'm a fourteen year old girl. I feel like I'm too young for everything I've been through. I had a cousin who was bi-polar and committed suicide early last year. I also was suppose to have an older sister, who died after eleven days. I never met her, but my parents constantly remind me about her and sometimes it just kills me. In 3rd or 4th grade, the game Runescape introduced me to many sexual ideas that I had never heard of before. I felt confused and uncomfortable and I ended up crying frequently because of it. Then, in 5th grade, I had a boy take advantage of me. He gained my trust and had me tell him my secrets, but he told everyone them after.

I thought things were getting better at the end of 7th grade, when I dated my first boyfriend, lets call him T. It lasted for 5 months, and even though we were too young, we would talk about marriage and sex. And that really made our break up really painful, especially when he chose another girl over me a week later (him and I are friends now, but it felt really tragic at the time). A month or so later, I dated my second boyfriend, let's call him D, who I truly loved. We fought some, a lot of the times for no reason. He gave me my first kiss and it was amazing. I was really happy then, not depressed at all. Weeks later, he left me for another girl. He kept calling me names like bitch, cunt, slut, whore and so did his new girlfriend and her friends. Her friends would also neigh at me, saying I looked like a horse. I hated being bullied at school by them. Even worse, he told much of the school about our personal conversations and everyone was labeling me as a slut even though he had pressured me. His new girlfriend was horrible, she had a facebook status which told people my phone number and told them to call me and say I was a whore. The worst part was that people actually did it. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere where I wouldn't be criticized or insulted. They would throw coins at me and call me a prostitute and some days I would just break and scream "FUCK YOU" or something at them. They would follow me after school with my friends and curse at me. And this kid who was "D"'s friend had a crush on me and kept asking me out-I kept rejecting him- and he would get really mad at me (let's call him E). That was really stressful too.

Then I met my third boyfriend, let's call him C, but before we dated, he chose to cheat on his girlfriend with me, without me knowing and without me wanting him to. He would get all touchy with me and I would tell him not to but he still did. His girlfriend found out and broke up with him too. One of my good friends zapped me with his name (which means I had to ask him out) and he said yes. And before I had the chance to break up with him, he would be all over me and flattering me. That was until one day, when he said he sort of hated himself and I asked him why, he said because he cheated on his ex-girlfriend. I felt like it was my fault and from then, I /knew/ I had to get away from him and break up with him, because I was getting really sad everyday and he was so perverted. I felt like he was always looking at me sexually and it bothered me. He would try and make out with me even when I pulled away. And meanwhile, "D" broke up with his girlfriend and was begging for me back. I was so stressed! All my friends liked "C" better, but I still loved "D" and I wanted to break up "C". FINALLY, my friends let me get back together with "D", which was the best decision I ever made.

Still, things didn't get better. "C" blamed me for everything, saying that I didn't have to make him cheat on his girlfriend and that he had something good going with her and it was all my fault. I guess I believed him, I started feeling like it WAS all my fault. Of course, "D" was amazing. He would kiss me without me wanting to pull away, and he would compliment me in an honest way, and he liked me for who I was, not what I looked like. But I was just too sad to let anything happy to change the fact that I was sad. And even with "D", "E" was stressing me out because the girls he dated would break up with him or he would break up with them, and he would rely on me to be there for him, when I really just needed someone to be there for me.

I think the last thing that really affected me was the trip I took with my Girlscout troop to San Diego about two weeks ago. I befriended a depressed girl(let's call her G), who cut herself, she had about twenty cuts on each wrist. Regardless, on our second day there, we went to SeaWorld. One of the chaperones, let's call her M, inforced a no cellphone rule, and "G" and I really hated this rule. There are some people who rely on their parents, but "G" relies on her friends and so do I. So we secretly texted, without getting caught, throughout the day. After dinner, we split into two groups, and I didn't see "G" until later, when she was hyperventilating and crying really hard. I've known her for a while, and she would never normally cry. Basically, "M" had taken her phone and gone through ALLLL the messages (which, btw, is illegal, just if you were wondering). Later that night, "M" went through all of "G"'s bags, looking for something that "G" could hurt herself with, without permission (of course, there wasn't anything, we took a plane and went through security, you can't get a knife through security). I guess this really affected me because "M" was bullying the girls, and I had no way of talking to my friends. Through the whole trip, she made all but one or two girls cry. Finally, on our 4th day at San Diego, she started yelling at me for no reason, for an issue I wasn't even involved in. She blamed me of everything, and she yelled at me until I was crying, in public. I never really felt the same after that.

This past week, I've hardly been hungry. I've gotten scared REALLY easily, like from remembering episodes of CIA. I've had a total panic attack over nothing. I've gotten really moody and yelled at people for apparantly no reason. I've felt like I'm dead, even though I'm not. I feel tired, I feel sad. I've thought about death, and about cutting myself
My friends were really worried, so I took 25 depression tests (online). On every single one, I was told I most likely had severe/clinical/major depression.
So that's why I'm here, I don't know what to do, I'm young and confused and hurt, and depressed.
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Old 06-30-10, 11:20 PM   #2
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@ flamingu

I would like to personally extend my condolences to you because of all of the horrible experiences you had to endure. For that, I am truly sorry.

I too had to deal with constant struggles and problems when I was in school, so I can definitely somewhat relate to what your revealing.

As far as your problems I can try to give some advice to see if it helps you out at all. *NOTE* I am in NO WAY a licensed psychologist...Hell I am very far from it . My advice stems only from my personal experiences and understanding, with hints of reasoning and spirituality.

* * * * *
Personally, my problems were very different in comparison to yours - My problems with depression stemmed from my inability to make friends and interact and connect with my peers. I had been stabbed in the back soo many times when I was younger that by the time I was in high school, I was so cut off from everyone. I kinda carried around this giant shield that I used to drive everyone away with.

But, in relation to you, it seems that we are on two opposite spectrums of depression causes - You seem to find friends rather easily (again that statement is stemming only from what you said, If that statement is incorrect, I apologize) I, as previously stated, always had a hard time finding relationships, especially romantic relationships (My God, if you only knew how many Fridays night I spent on World of Warcraft, !OMG! you would freak )
Getting back on target - I feel you should spend some time by yourself. Let me explain... It seems like you always have had a boyfriend, or at least a romantic relationship, and they never truly work out. So I feel you should spent some time in solitude, to really help discover who you are as a person - really take some time to learn about yourself and your interests. Unfortunately, I do not have alot of reasons to back-up my advice. All I can say is try it, Hell what do ya have to lose ??
Listen to some more music, read some different books, try different hobbies; alot of that aestetic stuff really and truly defines who you are as a person. I can personally say that I haven't had much girlfriends, well who the Hell am I kidding?....I've had like one. But when I was with her, all we ever did was talk about music (with us both being musicians), poetry, and emotions. And it was a truly phenomenal feeling I felt.

***So I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I feel you should spend some time by yourself to really discover yourself. I notice that alot of your life has been influenced by your friends or other people, and that is NEVER good. Friends are great, but independence is a truly underrated quality amongst tons of people.

* * * * *
Anyway I hope that "book" of a reply helps you out a little bit. As far as any closing remarks...
*Just hang in there. School not listen to anyone who says middle and high school are the best times in your life - that person is a lunatic.
*Also suicide really cannot be an option. Just endure the moment, as hard as it might be to. Don't worry all of us on this site have been through that feeling...TRUST ME, it is NOT worth it.

In closing, I truly wish you the best of luck with any problems you may face. You can do it. You it... Godspeed.
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Old 07-01-10, 04:58 AM   #3
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Hi Flamingu

That was really a lot for anybody to go through. I think because of that, you're matured than your age. Those intimate moments, take it as some life experience to be kept as beautiful memories. You'll find it great memories when you grow older.

San Diego trip, looks like it had affected you considerably.

You saw your friend with cuts, keep remembering the 'CIA' episodes, you've gone through 25 check lists for depression and all result shows you have severe depression. You get scared easily, panick attacks, moody, yelled at people, tired, sad, and now thinking of death and cutting yourself. Seems that you already 'confirmed' and accept that you are depression.

Try as much as possible to get control of the mind. Once you believe you are depression, your mind will get the message and will tell your entire body that you are now under depression. I don't know if taking medication for depression is good, but I know that once people are under medication, it's hard to get off it (sorry, if I'm wrong) and from my readings here in TTL, living with depression is hard.

How to control the mind.....distract it by always keep yourself busy, go for dancing or martial art classes, movies, clubs, etc. Force yourself if you have to, because negative mind takes a lot of energy. More extreme activities like yacht racing, mountain climbing can really make you busy and makes you sleep well, there'll be not enough time for the mind to remember all the negatives.

Take care.
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Old 07-01-10, 12:48 PM   #4
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Robert2112- I think your exactly right, I've always relied on my friends so when it crashes and burns and they aren't there, it's really hard to get back up. Thanks for the advice.

Dania- I agree that medication isn't always the best way to go. I would definitely take any other measures before medication. I'm going to a intensive dance camp away from home over summer so maybe that will help me get my mind off of things.
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depression, guilt, taken advantage of

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