Behind Bars
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Behind Bars

This is a discussion on Behind Bars within the Creative Depression Writing forums, part of the Feeding the Fire category; It's been hard .. I dunno .. it could give birth to a hella questions, when I seem to love ...

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Old 08-08-06, 09:15 AM   #1
 
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Default Behind Bars

It's been hard ..


I dunno .. it could give birth to a hella questions, when I seem to love something that truly hates me .. it gets even more & more confusing as the love I carry manages to challenge their hatred .. yet, it annoys me most that I can't stop ( let's say I don't wanna stop ) believing in love when I'm pretty sure I shall be hated, that much, as long as I'm the way I am, thinking the way I think, though ..


I was set free a while ago .. & if there's been a lesson jail taught me, then it's nothing but the neccessity of everlasting thankfulness .. cuz, beliemme, no matter how bad you think your life is, there'll always be worse .. I did have an excuse to believe the days I spent behind bars were the worst of all .. yet, by the same token, I still have to know my future is able to bring what's even worse ..
As for now, I must admit how grateful to God I am, to be in somewhere other than jail.


Eversince my intellect was made, I've refused most of what life offered me .. it's never taken me much time to figure out the fact that I am different .. On the one hand, I've failed in accomodating myself to what has been up round me .. I've come to the conclusion that my attempts to be a part of a world I don't approve, must have all met failture .. On the other hand, I could n't shut myself up .. my secluded isolated life was no use .. my own world is too tight for me to speak, to move or to work & produce .. that's why I had to talk .. to write .. to convert what my eyes see into what my brain wants.


I used to write .. things that seem wierd, new & complicated to most people .. I never cared, though .. things that my system would obviously dislike .. someday, a piece of writing came into the sight of a cop .. then into that of his boss .. then the boss's boss .. & from then on, my misrey was brought to life.


I got something like a warning .. let's call it a threat .. In the police station, they told me I should keep outa trouble .. they never believed I was only 16 then .. worse, they thought it wasn't me who typed .. &, thus, they've been watching me eversince as they guessed there was someone standing behind my thoughts that sounded fishy, wierd & too bad for them to gimme a single bit of freedom.


Months passed untill that day came .. 8.00 pm .. right infront of the bibliothecca Alexandrina ( the ancient library of the city of Alexandrie - if someone has heard about it ) I was drunk .. I mean totally drunk .. I've always loved Russia. yet, after tasting the Vodka, I loved it more & more !!


Here in Egypt, it's not that familiar that someone gets drunk in the middle of a street .. people gathered .. I was like piss off it's none of your fuckin' buisness .. I wasn't so much amazed when I felt I was about to fight .. however, I was too damn shocked when I saw the police car even before the guy bleeded !! I mean man ! the police here arrive HRS after the crimes !

it happened so fast that I knew something was going on.

I got drunk inorder to escape from my life .. & then, look at me, I had to deal with the exact part I wanted to forget .. I was like waw !


Anywayz, there were like 4 cops .. they held me at bay untill more cops came over .. I went crazy "what the fuck ? you got the wrong person !"


"No my dear, you got the right person" I thought as I was led towards the police car with my hands cuffed behind my back.


We were driven to the police station .. where I was slashed on face like 12 times .. then to a hospital where they gamme some shit to swallow.

I was still so damn drunk, though.

Finally, we went back to the police station .. it was the day break, I guess, when I fell asleep.

in the morning, I was home.


20 days later, I was told to go the court of law cuz my session would be held in a few hrs' time .. all I wanted to know was the nature of "my crime" when all I heard was the "shut the hell up" thing !


In the court of law, I was put in something like a cave .. it was so funny ( & so sad too ) that everybody treated me like an object !
15 minutes later, the judge appeared .. I laughed as it hit me I had hated the man before I knew how he looked like !
There was someone, who stood at the corner of the place, telling the whole story .. shit ! he seemed to know the finest details that I never knew myself !
I looked around. saw my parents & a bunch of friends who were waving to me as if I was standing on the red carpet ! I just wanted to vanish !

.. but there was no lawyer !
I was like oh my God ! he did it ..
After he knew about it, my father told me he'd not get me a lawyer .. as he thought it had been my mistake & it should be me who had to pay for it .. okay ! it looked alright .. inside me, I never blamed him .. but I just wished, though, he would have some mercy .. man ! fuck ! I'm his son ! I never thought he was serious .. but he was .. & there I went, paying for my mistake.


However, there was a lawyer .. well, almost a lawyer .. I knew later it was the government that brought him for me .. no wonder I had to speak for myself .. as he was acting like a real fool !
I even guess he'd have talked forever if I hadn't innerupt him !
the session didn't last for more than quarter an hr. I was given a month.

At first, it sounded pretty much cool .. I mean man ! I had been getting ready for 6 !

I just never knew how much I was gonna suffer ..
yet, all the way long, my heart had a presentiment of what was about to lie ahead.



They took me in something like a truck to a building where I was led to a place ..
the "place" was nothing but a very (I mean VERY) dark silent room.
"Get in" the guy said.
"um .. what you mean get in ? are you about to leamme here ALONE for 30 days ?"
"shut up & enter". the door was shut ..


I took a glance .. it's shameful that I couldn't help crying .. I wasn't that scared .. I just dunno why I needed to cry .. it was such a release in the dead atmosphere.

The dimensions of the cell couldn't have possibly exceeded 2m. x 2m. x 1.5 m. !
All that existed were a window, a small tap & a hole (most probably made for me wheneva I wanted to shit !) in addition to me stuck in there !


I was sure every bunch of cops were laughing at me wheneva they felt they were outa hearing .. I could, however, listen to them, whispering & disgustingly chatting in a voice that sounded like mine days ago when I had been drunk !


Even though I was hitting the roof, my 1st decision behind bars was to hold my horses " no matter how much they may piss me off, I won't get mad" I kept telling myself managing to keep my temper that cold ..
Luckily, I never sank to their level.



I had 20 cigarettes, that's to say I could only have 2 cigarettes every 3 days incase I didn't wanna spend the majority of my period without a blow of smoke .. 2/3 cigarette per day would seriously look a bit of a nightmare if you knew I smoke round 30 cigarettes daily !

yet, the real nightmare was the fact that I never had a light !

I could have almost fainted ..

I emptied my pockets .. nothing was found but a torn sheet of paper & bar of chocolate ..
I soon remembered the chocolate cream soldier in Shaw's Arms & the man .. it looked like shit but tasted so damn well.

I was the chocolate cream prisoner !

I swear I was ready to give up everything for a piece of "lit" tobacco.

No body was to be seen or heard .. I scratched the cigarette in every rough surface I could touch .. the iron door, the 10 cm2 window, my shoes, the cracks in the floor & walls .. everything .. nothing worked.

I could have known then how weak I am.


I cried myself to sleep & there went the 1st night.



The next day, I woke up to find someone feeling my pockets ..
"GET THE FUCK OFF" I cried pushing him in chest ..
wierdly, it was too soft to be a chest of a man .. let alone a man in jail !
it was a woman !
I apologized as I faced a fat lady in her forties .. a lady who was, with no doubt, the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
"I was just checking if you are alright .. here you go" she said while placing an aluminun plate of cooked beans & a loaf of bread !
"I have no money, miss"
"I've just known it" .. a man who looked like one side of a house shut the door back.
"thank you, lady" I cried. "wharever" the ugly woman said. I never saw her again.

It didn't take me 3 minutes to finish the "meal".

My mind was back to the smoking issue .. I kept walking backwards & forwards till moment before sunset when I was informed of a visitor .. yay !

That was someone I never saw before .. yet, someone I disliked .. anyway, he gamme a light .. which really meant something to me ! lol !

It was 2 hrs after finishing my cigarette when I noticed I was still singing & dancing .. man ! at least, I was smoking !!!!!!

Starting from the 3rd day, I began to know the real hunger in adition to how freezing I was .. the walls & the floor were so damn cold .. Thank God I got a jacket.
I swear I could have died of starvation or thirsty, for there were times when I was too weak even to blink.



Days passed slowly .. every moment hung heavely .. I never knew the date ..

they brought me one meal daily .. ONE meal daily !
the same rusted plate .. the same bread mould fungus .. their food looked as if had been eaten before !
& digested too ! I was always rather too hungry to say no ..
I swear I could have eaten a bug or something !


I had to act like a jerk who didn't know what was going on .. whenever I felt sleepy, I realized how much lucky I was to have a bed, no matter how much it sucked.

For a moment, everything unner sun seemed so much beautiful & desirable .. except my cell.


I felt the real lonliness. I knew how harsh this life can be, how cruely it can hurt us. Behind bars, my wounds grew deeper. Every minute was a new journey to sadness, depression & humilation that seemed to set my thoughts at naught, when I was all helpless
.

I never knew why I was there .. well, I did .. but it was more & more painful to either to think of the "why or to remember the "how".


For like 10 days, I didn't see a humanbeing ..



All I did was thinking .. since I couldn't do anything else .. I thought about the up's & down's of my life .. I thought about my parents, my friends, my country, my school, my mates & I even thought about you guys but, above all, I was thinking of God .. asking him for mercy, forgiveness & courage .. I wrote a scientific theory http://www.piczo.com/pharaons?g=14156890&cr=5 & piece of my diary.

but you'd better listen to this ..

something I wrote in one of the the weakest moments in my life .. a moment behind bars .. it's called "Away .. Too far"



I don't know what time it is .. it's dark, anyway .. but nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists .. Everything is fading from view .. walking away .. too far .. that I no longer see .. if someone is still there .. waiting for me .. driving away my fear .. removing my tear .. holding my hands .. my frozen hands .. I just look around .. but nobody is here .. nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists ..
They are all gone .. all away .. too far .. to call .. to supplicate .. too far for me to move .. to dream .. just one last dream ..
I'm lonely .. grieved .. tight up .. to a place I don't know .. to a wish I never made .. to people I do not behold .. to a body I do not feel .. I'm afraid .. scared .. but nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists .. They are not here .. yet, I am
Take my hand .. my friend .. I need you .. I love you .. I don't have to die .. to get lost .. down darkness .. down silence .. down myself .. down there .. I don't belong here .. it's scary .. My friend .. get me out .. one last favour ..
I'm dying .. but nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists
I breathe .. It's hard .. unbearable .. sad .. I'm tired .. so tired .. but nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists .. Death is coming over .. too fast .. too eagerly .. I'm just gonna lie there .. embracing myself .. getting ready .. to welcome it .. I don't want to die .. but .. I have nowhere to escape .. it's so dark .. so silent .. but nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists
"over here" I call out .. they still don't hear me .. neither do I ..
I still breathe .. holding .. to my faith .. asking .. for a drop of water .. of strength .. of courage .. of something other than .. what I have .. They never answer .. nobody does .. nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists
I'm left .. thrown away .. too far .. somewhere .. so deep .. All harshly .. all cruely .. pain eats me away .. but nobody knows .. nobody cares .. nobody exists
Still trying .. pretty much hard .. to smile .. fake a smile .. one last smile .. when everything .. seems to have been taken away .. too far .. that I touch nothing .. beneath my chest .. but my little heart .. that's broken .. that's lost .. that's torn .. into pieces I can't put together .. to make a picture .. other than .. the one they drew .. and threw .. away .. too far ..
Digging my grave .. inbetween silence .. I listened .. There was a voice .. coming from .. either within .. or upthere .. I listened .. to the divine word .. " God knows .. God cares .. God exists" .. Hope flashed .. like a lightening .. in a night .. darker than mine .. like a thunder .. in a grave .. deeper than mine .. I was back .. breathing .. opening my eyes .. and my heart .. that beated .. once more .. one true time .. smiling to life .. and Death .. moving away .. too far ..




In day 12, I thought about escaping .. I was pissed off too much to bear any more .. for 3 hrs, I was thinking about it. I considered every possible mean. but there were not any ..

The door was made of heavy iron with a window that looked too small for me even to lay my head out .. no wonder ! I had to bend when I 1st got through that door !
It was enough to raise your hands to touch the roof !
The only way to lie down was to put my head on one corner & throw my feet on the other .. as for the window, it was made only for insects to come in & out of the cell.

I was forced to believe there was no way out.


It's outstanding that faith often gives one prenatural courage. I'm just 18, & I was thrown aside in a murkey cell. thanks to my faith, I didn't panic .. yes, fear was always there .. yes, I cried for hrs .. but if it wasn't for faith, that cell would certainly be my coffin .. after all, thank you, God.


After spending a fortnight or lil more in that place, I finally got out ..
A friend of mine's father, who's a cop, got me out .. illegally .. obviously !


As for now, I'm fine .. I've really been asleep for quite a long time .

just trying to erase the memory ..

& if I have one last thing to mention, it'd be "When you can't find something to be grateful for, then, at least, be grateful for not being in jail"



It has been hard ..


Bertrand Noble
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Old 10-12-06, 03:56 AM   #2
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thanks for sharing your story with us, it sounded really hard for u. im glad u got thru it all tho



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Old 10-31-06, 03:15 AM   #3
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that sounds really hard... tough time...

maybe i should go through that too to make me stop taking for granted this life i'm having. i don't want but maybe i should. but again, i hope not.

anyway, thanks for the story... the way you wrote it made me like... like i can feel what you'd been feeling and put myself there...
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