Its in the small hours of the morning that the brain tends to wonder. Finally realizing things that you dare not think. In these hours as you sit on your bed hoping that sleep will take you at any moment. In these very minutes the brain finds the bad and the good in life and lays it all out.
This list of endless information displayed in your mind. As you sit and think about facts and figures, calculating the sum total of your very existence you can't find a good or happy thought to even out the bad. Looking through the files in your head you see the fleeting moments of happiness or fleeting bits of accomplishment. The question rises like it always does?.?why??
It is no longer ?why am I here??, or ?why is this happening to me?? because part of growing up is realizing that those questions will never have an answer. Instead you think ?why do I continue?? And it is a just question, fair in every way. You think and think but the answer is always the same. The answer isn't because you are doing something right, or because you are happy, because you haven't and you are not. It is simply because the people you love want to see you live. So tomorrow when you think back on your 3 am thoughts of not living, about stopping your hearts beat you can feel bad for almost taking yourself from your family.
So here I am, 3 in the morning, wanting to go to sleep permanently. Thinking about not ever having to take narcolepsy medication, no more being told I'm useless, no more pain, no more of this daily sadness this dark pit in your soul, and in these moments I am free but in the next I am chained. I can not take my life, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a lover, and a friend. My pain can stay if I truly am all these things. My freedom from everything can wait if I truly love them. I will do what I must. Always.