they say when people ask for help then they aren't weak, they are being smart, or wise.
So I went to the therapist, and the doctor, and the psychiatrist....and I took the medication prescribed and I talked and i even went back and talked and talked some more. And talked to my friends. And the more I went for help, it seemed the more help I needed and the weaker I felt and the more "crazy" I was ( am )getting. So today I just cancelled my next appointments. But, still 'wise" enough not to ditch the medication, even though I am only getting 3 hours of sleep a night, talking in my sleep( according to everyone) walking in my sleep( according to the kids..I'm lucky they keep odd hours and make sure I'm not leaving the house) even barking in my sleep ( they thought that was hilarious and still make jokes about that) But despite the disrupted and lack of sleep, I pop awake very early and have tons of energy and just immediately start running around at full tilt cleaning up and going about my day talking everyone's ear off and driving everyone nuts. And I can hear myself doing it. I can smell things. and I told everyone I can and I was right too, cause the doc said sometimes People in a manic state get a heightened sense of smell. But I could go on, and I do. all the time. I sense lots of things. I see things and I know they aren't there, but I still see them and I am so used to it now so it's not even a problem.
anyway, this was about how help...makes a person strong..or weak. But maybe both? At the same time? The medicine I take is good cause I'm not sad or in a harmful state of mind, I don't feel like dangerous or almighty powerful, like I did before a long time ago. This time,I am very annoyed that I have to go through this again. I actually want to sleep like a "normal" person. You know? Like go to bed, close my eyes, and get sleepy...not just feel tired and wish I could sleep. I want to hear my alarm go off and wish I had ten more minutes. I don't want to hear myself saying stuff and keep thinking " oh god, please stop talking! " Cause sometimes I do get yelled at, cause the family is only human :) Even the therapist( no he didn't yell at me) said I push people away, I have this huge streak of paranoia( he did not want to say the "p" word, I had to fill it in for him) and that's one of the things..to push and push like that, a huge streak of independency that pushes people away. anyways...
That's what I have been up to lately. Trying to do the "go by the book" thing and I think I screwed up.
or it's my seasonal manic phase that's just particularly bad this year.
i'm really, really tired. Sleep medications have no effect on me at all. i have tried all of them. The psychiatrist said the electricity in my brain just burns them all off. Seroquel and trazadone, put me in the ER before. So they are both out. Can't take other things cause history of diabetes and I am not going there again ( don't have it anymore as far as I know) I don't want anymore benzodiaz..whatevers...those are horrible to stop.
funny thing is, the less I sleep, the less I eat, the more energy I have. I Don't even want to eat, and I can't even lie still.I type fast so this isn't taking long :)
I gotta figure this one out
long time no see ;)