Need to ask, really need advice. My girlfriend is possibly bipolar, though she's never been formally diagnosed. She went through a lot of self-harm when she was a teenager, but has stopped that 7 years ago, and since then she gave birth to a baby a couple of years ago. She's a wonderful mother, the best I've ever seen, dedicated and caring, and totally focused.
She cares for me like no other woman I've ever known, and has transformed my smallholding into a productive, living thing. She's loving and kind, passionate, and highly intelligent. She was hospitalised a few times in her childhood for suicide attempts and self-harm, and was on medication for a period of time. She discovered (through her own analysis)that she's allergic to certain foods, but has taken a very active interest in her diet, eschewing the use of any foods with preservatives or any processed foods. She also stopped taking pharmaceutical meds.
I find her the most fantastic person I've ever known, and am totally mad about her. But.
Sometimes her behaviour is very erratic, quite often in fact, since we've had to engage in several wars against other people that were trying to control her, break us up, and reclaim ownership of her. It's complicated, and I'd rather not go into details, but it got incredibly ugly and we spent many days obtaining legal help to get rid of these REALLY sick, "normal" people.
I think the pressure got to her, and she took it out on me quite a few times, blowing up, arguing totally irrationally, accusing me of being like "them", sinking into silence for days, going for long walks, and totally losing interest in doing anything. Still a good mother mind you. But launching verbal attacks on me, finding weird reasons to be suspicious of me. I found that any alcohol taken these days escalates these tirades hugely, and have taken to not buying any or having any in the house.
After reading some of the symptoms of the disorder, I've become more suspicious too, and jealous (which is not like me at all, and it damages me a lot.) I adore her, but am afraid of her mercurial mood swings, and always seem to be hyper-alert lest I'm in for a kicking these days. This isn't right! When we're normal, we're unbelievably happy and motivated, but when things go to hell, everything just falls apart. I don't want to lose her, and I always reassure her that I'm there for her and have never let her down. It took me a long time to recover (sorta) from my own depression saga, and it's all being undone.
She's told me a few times she felt she doesn't deserve happiness, and whenever she starts settling down, someone pulls the rug out from under her feet, and she has to move out, move on, and has never had a home to call her own, even during her childhood. She had a horrifying childhood. I've told her, this is her home, sink her toes into the earth, relax and breathe, create anything you want, and I will give her anything I can to help her make it happen. But it seems as if sub-consciously she's trying to pull the rug out from under her own feet, possibly because of her lack of self-worth, possibly so that she can say "I told you so, the Universe just takes everything away again"
I'm a nervous wreck these days. If she goes, I'll die. I've invested everything in her, heart and soul, much more than is safe for me. My own life has also been full of loss, and giving my heart one more time was a dangerous thing for me. I swore I would never do it again, and lived like a hermit, and avoided social contact. In short, I'd come to this rural outback to quietly die. I'd pretty much stopped eating or doing anything anymore. But my girlfriend sought me out, jumped over my fence late one evening to introduce herself, and we became friends first. A real fairytale for me, with my crippling shyness. And for her too, to finally meet a man who was gentle and kind (her words, not mine) And now, I'm feeling dangerously broken...