Depressve with possibly bipolar grfriend
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Depressve with possibly bipolar grfriend

This is a discussion on Depressve with possibly bipolar grfriend within the Bipolar forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Need to ask, really need advice. My girlfriend is possibly bipolar, though she's never been formally diagnosed. She went through ...

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Old 01-11-15, 01:02 AM   #1
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Need to ask, really need advice. My girlfriend is possibly bipolar, though she's never been formally diagnosed. She went through a lot of self-harm when she was a teenager, but has stopped that 7 years ago, and since then she gave birth to a baby a couple of years ago. She's a wonderful mother, the best I've ever seen, dedicated and caring, and totally focused.

She cares for me like no other woman I've ever known, and has transformed my smallholding into a productive, living thing. She's loving and kind, passionate, and highly intelligent. She was hospitalised a few times in her childhood for suicide attempts and self-harm, and was on medication for a period of time. She discovered (through her own analysis)that she's allergic to certain foods, but has taken a very active interest in her diet, eschewing the use of any foods with preservatives or any processed foods. She also stopped taking pharmaceutical meds.

I find her the most fantastic person I've ever known, and am totally mad about her. But.

Sometimes her behaviour is very erratic, quite often in fact, since we've had to engage in several wars against other people that were trying to control her, break us up, and reclaim ownership of her. It's complicated, and I'd rather not go into details, but it got incredibly ugly and we spent many days obtaining legal help to get rid of these REALLY sick, "normal" people.

I think the pressure got to her, and she took it out on me quite a few times, blowing up, arguing totally irrationally, accusing me of being like "them", sinking into silence for days, going for long walks, and totally losing interest in doing anything. Still a good mother mind you. But launching verbal attacks on me, finding weird reasons to be suspicious of me. I found that any alcohol taken these days escalates these tirades hugely, and have taken to not buying any or having any in the house.

After reading some of the symptoms of the disorder, I've become more suspicious too, and jealous (which is not like me at all, and it damages me a lot.) I adore her, but am afraid of her mercurial mood swings, and always seem to be hyper-alert lest I'm in for a kicking these days. This isn't right! When we're normal, we're unbelievably happy and motivated, but when things go to hell, everything just falls apart. I don't want to lose her, and I always reassure her that I'm there for her and have never let her down. It took me a long time to recover (sorta) from my own depression saga, and it's all being undone.

She's told me a few times she felt she doesn't deserve happiness, and whenever she starts settling down, someone pulls the rug out from under her feet, and she has to move out, move on, and has never had a home to call her own, even during her childhood. She had a horrifying childhood. I've told her, this is her home, sink her toes into the earth, relax and breathe, create anything you want, and I will give her anything I can to help her make it happen. But it seems as if sub-consciously she's trying to pull the rug out from under her own feet, possibly because of her lack of self-worth, possibly so that she can say "I told you so, the Universe just takes everything away again"

I'm a nervous wreck these days. If she goes, I'll die. I've invested everything in her, heart and soul, much more than is safe for me. My own life has also been full of loss, and giving my heart one more time was a dangerous thing for me. I swore I would never do it again, and lived like a hermit, and avoided social contact. In short, I'd come to this rural outback to quietly die. I'd pretty much stopped eating or doing anything anymore. But my girlfriend sought me out, jumped over my fence late one evening to introduce herself, and we became friends first. A real fairytale for me, with my crippling shyness. And for her too, to finally meet a man who was gentle and kind (her words, not mine) And now, I'm feeling dangerously broken...
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Old 01-11-15, 01:06 AM   #2
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Just a sidenote: I don't mind that she could be bipolar, but I do need to know how to cope with it. I love her for who she is, not what her condition is, but it seems her condition is taking control of her.
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Old 01-11-15, 01:35 AM   #3
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While I can't say it's quite the same, I can relate. My friend has had a very difficult life herself. She struggles to see the good in herself, she fears if anyone gets too close to her heart, they'll abandon her since that's what life taught her happens when someone means a lot to her. She tends to sabotage herself when things start to get better. She strives for complete independence but whenever she progresses, she puts herself down. She hides her heart from me most of the time but every once in a while, she lets her guard down and allows herself to love. After a few weeks, I become too big in her heart and she pushes me away. She knows she's doing this and she knows that no matter what, I'm not giving up on her so she doesn't push me away nearly as much anymore although sharing how she is feeling, especially when it comes to pain and sorrow is still very difficult but she's amazing; she's so worth it.

All I can recommend is to remind her often that you love her, that she means a lot to you and show her in dire times that you will always be there for her. She's probably heard it plenty of times in the past but it fell through every time thus far. Hopefully, with time, you can prove her instincts wrong. I know I will make sure I do for my friend; I will not be the latest scar on her heart.
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Old 01-11-15, 02:24 AM   #4
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Hell, jeez Lucid! You put it so much better than I did! Thank you! That's exactly what she does, I think to a "T". I do remind her, very often, how much I appreciate her, and how much she means to me, but sometimes I think it just produces a more severe finality, in that she feels even more urgency to destroy what is good... She's coming back this evening, after spending some weeks with her mother, and judging by her non-commital texts, very cagy, I'm expecting trouble on the horizon, and I'm paralysed by fear.. not of physical harm, but of mental distress. I feel like I have to prepare to talk someone off a ledge on a high building.... to preserve not just one person, but THREE of us...
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Old 01-11-15, 03:13 AM   #5
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She's probably even more scared of losing you than you are of her. If you've been with her for a long time, perhaps reminding her that you didn't leave her the last times it happened might help (if it applies, obviously). Frankly, it seems like it's more of a time for damage control than working on her issues. Working on those is best left for time when things are going well.
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Old 01-11-15, 05:00 AM   #6
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Thanks Lucid, well, we've only been together for about 6 months, and the last 4 we've been at war with her ex-family. She did once get seriously jealous over me clicking "like" on some comment an old woman friend made on facebook. Which I found mad, because she's young and very pretty, and my old friend, like me, is a bit er... weatherbeaten... by the years... If anyone should be jealous, it's ME, and God help me please, I'm starting to show signs of that too...

You know, if I could laugh and be happy and natural, she'd be happy to be home with me, but I've been so anxious and depressed she's going to look at me and think she's looking into a black hole.

I'm gonna put on some music and clean the house and try get a bit of a groove on, to lighten my mood..... yeah.... right...
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Old 01-11-15, 08:45 AM   #7
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ok.... this is it. going to the bus station to collect her...
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