Hey everyone, Bi Polar disorder is something that has been rolling around in the back of my mind for months.
I have known what the disporder is since it was shown by Stacey Slater on Eastenders years ago and a few months back thought I was seeing signs of it in myself. I am going to try and explain how things have been and if anyone can give me their opinions on weather the way I feel could be linked to the illness I would be really greatful.
Every since I was young ... since I can remember really I have felt obsessive about doing certain things, I used to have to stand up and sit down an even number of times before I could relax (think it was ten times). I used to have to do everything the same ammount of time and touch things the same amount with each hand :S. I also used to worry about illnesses and I was paranoid about bleach :/. There were so many odd things I used to do. I still do some of them but not as much really. Some days its worse than others but it doesn't effect me 24/7 like it used to. I know they are signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but now things are different.
For the last couple of years I have not felt like me atall, and that is when the obsessive symtops started to fade a bit. I began to feel a bit down ... I can't really remember how long it lasted, but I think I was pretty low (not serverly) for quite a long time before I was happy again. I also started to self harm about 2 years back when I became down. I am not sure when the serious lows started but I guess it was about a year ago. I became severely low with the occasional time of (not insane happiness) but quite energetic and fast thinking happiness. This has just got worse and worse since then and now when I feel low it dreadful ... I feel suicidal, I cry just about all night, I self harm, I can't function or sleep or eat properly or enjoy the things I loved. I still have shortish periods of happiness, the only serious effect from them so far has been money spending and also unfinished work, like starting something and then becoming too low to want to complete it. I don't get so happy that I am crazy, I just become excited about doing things and come up with ideas that seem brilliant but then appear dumb and useless when I feel low again. Its hard for me to say how often my mood changes because I really don't know ... I need to start writing it down really.
I don't know what to do because I have counselling at the moment but want to go back to the doctor to talk about how this is effecting me and see if they can help, but I don't want to make my counsellor think shes not helping or upset her. I just don't know if counselling is going to help because I feel this way with no reason, the way I feel in my head just changes.
If anyones read this I really appriciate your time. xx