Am I the only one with this combination? Sometimes it feels like it. I know I'm probably not, and I don't feel comfortable with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder but well I've had a lot of doctors that put it on me solely for my previous issues with self-harm. But are there more like me? I feel quite alone and I guess I mostly want some sort of reassurance.
I'm starting to feel anxiety and something akin to sadness and grief again. I feel another episode coming, despite all my medications (lithium, Propavan, Imovane, Buspirone, Legigan) Well, I've used up my recommended daily dosage of anti-anxiety medications and it's 4:30 pm right now.
What I'm trying to get at is that if I fall down into depression now I'm not sure if I'll ever get out of it again. I've had a number of episodes before byt somehow I feel like they're getting worse, or maybe it's just me getting more and more worn down. The previous depressive episode got me hospitalized and I tried to kill myself and I don't want that. I don't want to be stuck in a life where the only thing I can do to keep myself alive is by hurting myself in one way or the other.I don't want to drown myself in booze or injure myself, that's not a real life. Yet I know that's what I'm facing if these new anti-anxiety meds that I was put on won't work (Buspirone). Because everything that I have worked so hard for - to get back to my studies, to become a small family with my girlfriend and to actually feel some security, some sense of self-worth - it will be taken away by depression. I know I'm hard to live with, I know that I'm sick. And I know that if I spiral into self-destruction then I will really be all alone. Because I can't expect her to take care of me after suicide-attempts or days when I won't function. I already feel a distance between us because of my disorders.
I suppose what fears me most is that if Lithium isn't working then I've got nothing else to try (I've already tried Lamotrigine(Lamictal) and a number of AD's) but just for the doctors to keep me sedated. But what kind of life is that? I guess I'm rambling now, sorry. I think I forgot my point somewhere. Well, I guess my question is - does anyone feel the same way?