Hey guys, this is my second ever thread.
I am going to see a therapist, I do not know what to expect. I plan on going within two weeks (just have to find one in my area).
For the meantime I thought I would post on here to see if any of you guys share the same feelings/experience as me and see what you think.
I only seem to get either sad/angry or "unusually" happy.
If I am sad I am terrible in social situations, meeting people and usually feel like everything is an effort (say for example even standing up). Feel hopeless, guilty and in despair. I start to hate everyone and can get very angry for the slightest reason. I just withdraw from the world. I just want to be alone, I feel worthless and blame myself for everything and can't achieve anything or do anything right. I have no idea why, which led me to research (and here I am). I have been like this as long as I can remember, with no general reason why. My family do fight a lot, I also don't like talking to them about this topic or anything in general (slowly drifting apart). Also at worse times, I think suicidal, or self harm. I don't have good thoughts when I am sad. I am like a loner or a outcast.
If I am Happy!
I always remember being sad, but I also remember being happy, strangely happy. At first I didn't think much of it, But I started to get feedback from everyone. I would talk a mile a minute, Nobody could understand me and I often had to repeat myself several times and get asked to slow down. Also 4 to 5 hours sleep max with interruptions in happy stage, latest being able to wake up at 4:30am-5am. I don't eat much, Not scared of gaining weight just didn't feel hungry (I ate something today though
). I feel extremely motivated and sometimes even work through my hour long lunch. I think to myself a lot, often have racing thoughts and laugh at inappropriate times/at everything. I can get extremely creative, and usually stay up at night thinking of every possible situation that could happen tomorrow and plan my day out based on what I am thinking (I even start to come up with responses to what people could say to me) Basically you can't shut me up, the exact opposite of what I do when I am sad. I also think far fetched and often make up completely unbelievable/ridiculous stories on the spot, or I would over exaggerate everything. I also talk to myself out loud and sometimes even manage to keep the conversation between myself going. I would sell it if I could and become rich.
Sometimes I hear my name get called out or hear other things that are not there. Sometimes I can not stop my thoughts. I usually put both my hands on my ears and keep thinking "STOP" but after 4 or so seconds it comes back. I also try to think of a catchy song I know to stop these thoughts but it usually doesn't work. Often when this happens the world seem to turn around me (hard to explain, imagine being stationary in the middle of a turning circle)
I haven't been in my happy stage for at least 2-3 weeks now. I have been trying desperately to get back into it (wont list methods, I also know it is probably not the right thing to do, but it is WAY better then being sad and miserable) Hopefully I get better soon.
Sorry If this is a long post or if it sounds like I'm complaining.
Thanks for reading.