i've been holding it together ok lately, trying to keep busy, keep moving, gym and making things etc before i start a placement (which i'm looking forward to, but maybe that is also partly causing the anxiety...)

i've been hiding, and the thought of getting in touch with people i knew before i left a few months ago makes me feel really nervous... a couple have gotten in touch with me, it's just that i can't face the potential questions so i just avoid it all. i reply to messages, but fairly noncommittally so i'm not surprised i haven't gotten any answers. i tell myself it's a busy time for them with exams etc, but not getting replies doesn't encourage me to be any more outgoing...

i'm not making much sense. i think i'm getting nervy in the moments when my hands and mind are idle, and i start berating myself for not doing more to get back into the world. at the moment my social life extends as far as my housemates and one other friend. this feels ok for now, but is so unlike my 'normal self' that now i'm worried this is still me avoiding people in general, and that if i stay in the comfort zone too long it'll just get harder to come out of it.

i catch myself feeling apprehensive about passing random people on the street, like should i go left or right, make eye contact or not, etc, i tend to keep my head down and walk fast... and even with friends i often feel exhausted after fairly brief meetings, like i've been on edge the whole time with them but only notice it after... i have been thinking of seeing about counselling again (i only had about 5 sessions a few months back, when things were really bad) but feel ambivalent about it still. i have come a long way from back then but times like now make me feel like there's still so far to go and i might be setting myself up for a fall again unless i sort it out...

*sigh* mind is very mixed up right now

I think we all have a long way to go, but I think many of us have come far just because we're still here, we're still breathing, we're still trying, and that is worth a million.

My mind is starting to cloud and I don't want to ruin this post! But I understand about hiding. And being nervous about facing your friends. I think things will sort themselves out somehow, life has an odd way of doing that.

Thanks AR... feels good to have company here. I do feel better just after getting some sleep, I think I needed to write that down just to get it off my chest. More optimistic about today, see how it goes.

I hope your day really goes well for you! And sometimes a good night sleep and just getting it off the chest can help a load! I've gotta run, but I really hope you have a great day today :-).

I seem to be in the exact same position! I have avoided 'life' and my social life for so long. I've put so much effort into avoiding going out for so many reasons. Like you, its the questions - all the Hey! What have you been up to?! What can i say? Oh you know, just hanging out, beating myself up mentally and battling depression. You? Its just so hard to do!

I was always on the email with all my friends, just chatting and being carefree. Now im scared that if i send an email, they'll ask to meet up for a catch up or want to come round and visit etc...

I am so scared that i've done that now for just about a year that i'll have no one to go back to when im better! So i have been slowly just getting back in touch and slowly letting people back into my life. Even if i have to explain that i'm finding things difficult at the moment and if they can just give me a bit of time.
I should have given my friends more credit as the understanding has been wonderful.

I wish i could just snap my fingers and have all my self esteem and confidence back! But i cant. I'm in a tough place and i have to appreciate that its not going to get better overnight.

im just so glad that you shared. I realise that its not just me which is a bit of a relief!

We just have to keep struggling through. Trust your real friends to be around when you are ready to be present.

Hey, thanks guys :)

Today is ok so far. Though maybe that's because the only people I have spoken to are my housemates... Seriously though, I'm even considering sending an email to a couple people for coffee. Baby steps.

I keep hovering over these websites for counselling in my area - I've seen 2 counsellors in the last 4 months, in 2 different countries, and both of them recommended I see someone else now I'm here again, one of them even thought I might need meds... I don't know why I'm so hesitant about it though. Sometimes I think I need it, then I'll nearly call and the voice in my head goes 'just pull yourself together'... the other irony is that my life doesn't have a routine set up yet, where I could work some sessions in effectively, and yet the anxiety itself is part of the problem keeping me from attaining some sort of routine... *gaaaah*

Athena -
'I should have given my friends more credit as the understanding has been wonderful.'
We do seem to have very similar issues! This is so true... I have been so touched by the understanding from those I have let back in so far, and yet everytime there's another round of 'opening up' I have the same nerves and worries... do you get that too?

Hey that's great going out for coffee if you get the chance, that's small and a great way to start.

What kind of routine in your life are you looking for?

Oh i definitely do! For so many reasons - the big one is that i am scared of how they view me since the last time! I know its so silly because they wouldn't want to meet up the second time if my negative thoughts were actually true! Its so hard to hear the positive voice when your so used to the negative, but thats all part of the getting better i suppose.
But i do remind myself, every single time i leave the house to go to someone, i remind myself that once i'm there, i usually relax! I just push and push to get past the first hiya's and the next step is a little easier!

I had the same thing with meds too. I always used to say that i KNOW i can do it myself, i get myself together and pull on my strength. But there are times when i need a nudge, so i give myself a break and try the meds. They gave me a bit of a breath :)

AR - I think the stability I want is not to keep jumping from one place to the next. Growing up, I never lived in one place longer than about 6 years, changing countries and languages along the way, and since I left home (a little over 6 yrs ago) the max is 3 years. So I've kind of continued the pattern and become addicted to new starts - when something isn't working out where I am, moving on is like second nature to me. I'm really, really exhausted by it all though - my most recent move back in September (was to start a course but I had to drop out) contributed alot to the massive crisis that brought me here. My perfect scenario would be to stay where I am and build up the life I want (in terms of career/study, what kind of place I live in, lifestyle, friends/social life etc), and I'm really trying to make the changes I need to and slowly making some progress, but I feel every so often that someone to help me get through it and sort my thoughts would be really good.

Athena - it is all about the mindset isn't it? Usually it is fine once the first hurdle is past... and on meds, I wonder why I don't hesitate to take a pill to make a headache more bearable, but when it come to giving myself a boost with my mind I'm so wary?

Thanks again both of you :) it's been good to talk this out. Hope you've both had a good day today!

We all need a little push sometimes to help us to keep going. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have gotten as far as I've come today if it weren't for all those little pushes helping me to sort my thoughts and get me through. And ya know little pushes add up =).

(LoL I kept this window open for like 2 days so I could reply to it >,<)