So... The first thing I feel in the morning when I wake up is anxiety.
I get out of bed, just feeling more and more anxious. My first idea of how to get rid of it is to run into the kitchen and drink, the strongest alcohol I can find.
But I know it's really bad, to drink as the first thing you do in the morning, so I usually try and do something else, and that is usually staying in bed just getting more and more anxious until I can't get up at all.
Sometimes I get up, get dressed, and eat breakfast just as I should. But I just feel like I wanna throw up everything I ate, and drink instead.
And I've tried most things to stop the anxiety, but nothing works. I try to listen to some calm songs by Blue October, but that just makes it worse.
Since my mom found my collection of meds and booze, I've gone back to actually SWALLOING my meds when I get them, instead of hiding them.
I've talked to one of my doctors, and I made him up the dose of quite much everything I take, and add some new ones too.
This morning I've taken Stesolid and Attarax, and I'm still breathing so fast I'd like to strangle myself right now.
I got no razorblades left, no pencil sharpenings blades left eighter, and I hate knives and I try my best to stay away from drinking cause I don't wanna get addicted.
The doctors say people usually get anxious in the evening, but I get anxious in the morning, during the day, and at night I'm down.
Now I'm worried I'll get addicted to Stesoild, I think I was really close last time, I took it several times a day, and when they wouldn't give it to me anymore 'cause I've had too much for one day' I'd freak out and vandalize my room or run into walls cause I was pissed off and just wanted the damn medicine, and I also knew if I'd be too violent they'd give it too me.
Therefore I stopped taking it, I realised it was just going to get worse and I really didn't want another problem to struggle with.
The doctors have also warned me Stesolid is addictive, but when they told me I wouldn't care, I was like "I'll never get addicted to ANYTHING".
So now I wonder, is there some way to get rid of the anxiety, not for the moment but permanent?