Unnecessary Social Bullsh*t and Excessive Ranting
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Unnecessary Social Bullsh*t and Excessive Ranting

This is a discussion on Unnecessary Social Bullsh*t and Excessive Ranting within the Anxiety forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I'm sick of being such an insecure little shit. I'm always second-guessing myself and stuttering all the time 'cause I'm ...

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Old 09-25-09, 10:18 PM   #1
 
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I'm sick of being such an insecure little shit. I'm always second-guessing myself and stuttering all the time 'cause I'm so scared I'll drive away the person whom I'm talking to. If I make a "mistake", regardless of how negligible that "mistake" may be, I'll hold it against myself for months, sometimes even years. I haven't held a healthy relationship with anyone for over a few weeks because I get so nervous. Every time I find someone I'm fond of, which is extremely rare for me because I'm very judgmental, something happens, and they leave. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm so lonely, and I want a friend. I'm so pissed, 'cause it's totally unfair that I have to deal with this bullshit just because my family was a little bit fucked up as a kid. Like, Christ, how is that my fault? I just so happened to be born into a certain situation, and suddenly I have to deal with all of this ridiculous, depressed, anxious, frustrating crap? I was on the floor earlier, panicking and hitting myself because I was bored. When I get bored and have nothing to occupy myself with that appeals to me, I start thinking too much, just contemplating whatever comes to mind. I got a shitty memory, and the next thing I knew, I had no control over myself. I wanna start cutting again so badly, but I don't want to contract any blood diseases or whatever. That'd suck. I don't mind the marks or anything. Illness just really petrifies me. I get squeamish pretty easily when it comes to my body. Ugh. I'm just sick of being such a nutcase. It almost feels as though everything I've ever done has been wrong in one way or another, and it's getting in the way of my life. I want a friend or two. I want to stop relying on unhealthy methods of feeling better. I want to move on with my life. If my entire existence is going to be dictated by my childhood issues, what's the point of proceeding in the first place?

So, yeah, if anyone read this, thanks. I just really needed to rant for a bit. It helps when I'm stressed out. So... Thanks, TTL.
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Old 09-26-09, 04:34 AM   #2
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Don't worry you're not alone. Take small steps, make small changes slowly. I know this problem very well and it's very frustrating but it gets better, you just have to work on it. Instead of hurting yourself you might want to try doing some kind of physical activity. I didn't think it would work when I first was told about it but it really does. Also, try not to beat yourself up about the social thing. I know that is so much easier said than done. I still get horribly nervous around certain people and in certain situations but I'm so much better compared to where I was. For me recovering from this has been about a lot of practice. Ironically, I'm most nervous in setting where people are just "hanging out". You might also want to try giving yourself a set amount of time to stress out about your social blunders - like 1 hour - get it all in in that hour and after that point when a negative thought comes in your head say to yourself "no, I'm not going to worry about you anymore". At first this may seem fruitless but before you know it it will begin to work. Everyone makes social blunders, just some more than others. The thing is the past is the past - your childhood was your 'childhood' - you can't change what it was, but you can change what it will be for you know. It takes a lot of work though.
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Old 09-28-09, 06:14 PM   #3
 
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Thank you.

I know that must've sounded really self-pitiful and everything. I know that a lot of people had it worse than I'll ever know, but I still can't seem to stop thinking like this. It sucks. Sorry about that though... Like, I'm tryin' as hard as I can. Trust me. :l
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Old 10-10-09, 11:28 PM   #4
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Hey Jolteon

I feel almost the exact same way that you do. I could relate to almost every word in your post. I obviously don't think I can help you or give you any advice, but it helps to talk about these things right? I can't really figure out how to get myself out of this position either. I just want a friend too but nothing ever seems to work. I think I may even be worse at it than you are. I haven't had a friend of my own in years, and even the friends that I used to have weren't exactly friends, more like casual acquaintances. No one wants to be around a boring, stuttering shy person like me. I want a friend but at the same time people scare the shit out of me. I've gotten so used to being alone all the time that it seems like I've grown to depend on it and I can't deal with anything else. I can't remember the last time I've had a normal relationship with another person, whatever that even means. :(

Oh well, sorry for hijacking the thread and babbling on about me, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm listening and I definitely understand and sympathize with what you're going through. If you ever find a way to pull yourself through this I would love to hear about it. I agree with Tree in that doing physical activity sometimes helps to relieve boredom and frustration. Sometimes I would go out and just start running as fast and as hard as I can. When I get back I would feel better, I guess it must be the endorphins being released into my brain.
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Old 10-11-09, 03:08 PM   #5
 
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Hey, Sucrose. Thanks for your reply. I love your avatar, by the way.

Sorry to hear that you're going through so many of the same things. Also, don't feel badly for "hijacking" the thread. It's always nice to know that someone is listening and can understand whatever problems you're going through. I've actually been feeling a bit more confident since I typed that opening post. I made a friend a while back, but after a week or so, I was under the impression that she was no longer so fond of me as she was when we first met. However, she sent me a text last night, and we chatted the night away. I recall looking up at the clock at some point and being surprised to discover that it was 3:32 in the morning! That made me feel really appreciated, and hopefully, this one will last longer than a few weeks.

Thanks again for the response, and I wish you luck coping with whatever struggles you may have to face.
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Old 10-14-09, 01:23 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jolteon View Post
I love your avatar, by the way.
Thanks

It's nice to hear that you're feeling better. I only wish I could have the same success. Everyone must think I'm some sort of creepy psychopath or something since everyone always avoids me. Nobody likes the quiet loner type.

I find it sad that if someone is quiet and shy and doesn't have any friends, then people are even less likely to want to be their friend, which makes it so much worse for that person and it becomes even more difficult to change. It just pushes them even further into isolation, you know what I mean?
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Old 10-21-09, 02:03 AM   #7
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I know exactly what you mean.
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Old 10-21-09, 01:15 PM   #8
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Lucky you for making a new friend. I'm bipolar about that sort of thing. I hate the way society works -- the unnecessary hypocrisy, people who think the world owes them everything, the legal child abuse, and all that. On the other hand, I get pretty envious when I see people having good times together. It makes me wish I had at least one friend who excepts me for who I am. Even when people do express interest in being my friend, it feels weird because I spent so much time alone that isolation is a part of me.
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