Sigh. ..Wish I didn't give so much thought to every little thing. I'm always assuming the worst.. and I justify my paranoia with the times that I'm actually right, but it seems like 95% of the time I am wrong..I just focus on the times that I'm right so much that I don't see the good things.
I know people are looking down on me for my anxiety issues and not being able to call them..and thats the only reason why they dislike me..but because they don't like me for not calling, I can't call knowing they don't like me..So my anxiety has like tripled with the thought of calling those certain people. Its a lame cycle.
It seems when people put me on the spot about something, I get worse..Can't really explain it. I know they are trying to help me, but I don't know how to accept the help..I've never had people in my life show that they care..Its new to me.
Even the jerks that were my friends in 11th grade till this past year, weren't really all that bad of people..I just focused on the bad and got so anxious about it, that I was really the one who ended the friendship..I could've called them if I wanted to..But I didn't want to.
Not too many people know what its like to get that way over a simple phone call..I know a lot of people here do, but noone around me understands the feeling I get..Its pure fear.. I tried explaining to them..Tried telling them that in my head, it isn't right for me to be calling them..but I can't explain why. It doesn't make sense when I try to talk about it or write about it. Theres no other explanation for why I get scared when the topic is brought up.. It just happens.
I'm assuming my anxiety is caused by chemicals in my brain..and if thats the case, then I don't know how I'll get over my fear of calling people without getting medication..which, honestly, is another thing that makes me anxious when I think about it. I never liked taking medicine..When I was little, I used to just throw any pills my mom gave to me in the couch or behind it.