A Night in the Life-Or more so the next day. Tonight Dear Readers, I confess my one and only fear. Many Many people have no clue what it is.
It is 12:22 am here on the coast. I say here on the coast and I envision palm trees and sand. East Cost…so none of either.
In my last post I wrote that I did not know what the evening would bring. It brought me hell. Not the biblical kind (most think Christian when I say hell and biblical. It is a little known fact that Christianity was not the true originator for the term Hell, nor the scenario that is to play out, should I end up in such a place…You are welcome for the trivia that most of you may have known anyway) but more so a feeling, a gnawing inside of me.
I must confess that I was a bit optimistic about the evening. I also must confess, I tell myself that, in order to soften the blow of the impending doom that would end up being my disposition. At times it works, and other times….it has an adverse effect. To that end (I really don’t know what that phrase means and the proper context for such. A professor last semester used that phrase so much, it rented space in my mind, and then moved in) I shall continue on about my evening.
I was hungry and I ate (seems simple enough yes?)
Let me back up for those who know not my tale of horror and phobia and reason for my anxiety.
I have one fear and one fear only. It may sound silly to some. It was not until as of late that I became aware that it had a name, and many people (some famous) have this fear. Don’t you love when we are told famous people share our issues? I could give a shit less if you are famous or not. I feel no comfort in knowing that someone rich and or famous shares my conditional issue(s).
Dearest Readers of my madness and rants, my fear is….let me say this first (even though it will weaken my case for not sounding silly). I was a recon Marine. A combat Marine. Shot and got shot. I have been all over the world (I mean….not every single place…but many) and yet I, the once fearless warrior am scared to death of….not death…not dying…. But throwing up. There I said it. Now, how does this play into anxiety. If you are anything like me or millions of others, when you get scared your stomach may get upset. For most, it is no big deal. For me? The stomach gets upset, the what if I get sick to my stomach sets in and then the anxiety comes. I would love to tell everyone I have anxiety from the killing and combat, the getting shot….the truth is…I loved that part of my life. It is this part, that I have anxiety from. How very odd I am. How very silly. I have a great looking wife, a great looking little baby girl that we are so blessed to be the parents of, great family….yet here I sit at 12:35 am writing to a bunch of strangers who may or may not even read all of this. If you have read all of this….I thank you. You have given to me the most precious thing in the world….your time.