I guess this is as good a place as any to make my intro (if there's an intro section, I couldn't find it).
I'm a 34-year-old woman who suffers from chronic anxiety and periodic depression. In my earlier life, I turned to drugs and anorexia in an attempt to control my anxiety. But I've been finished with both of these unhealthy coping mechanisms for a long time.
I seemed to have gotten my life together in the past six or seven years, but lately things have been happening that are threatening to send me spiraling out of control again, and I'm scared.
Primarily, my 17-year-old son has been in a lot of legal trouble, on drugs, and has now left home and is living in what I consider to be dangerous conditions.
I have no power to force him to return. I'm fortunate that I'm still able to contact him daily via his cell phone (which I pay for). I fear that any attempt to rein him in will lead to his shutting me out of his life completely and taking off for God knows where, so that I will never have any contact with him or know whether he's okay or not.
My typical activity lately is googling the news for his location every half hour or so, to see if there have been any arrests or deaths, because I'm terribly afraid that something awful is going to happen to him.
People keep advising me to "let him go", but I can't. He's my life.
I find myself going days without eating lately, because I'm too depressed and stressed out to think of food, and because I have no idea if he's
eating regularly, and can't seem to choke down food when my baby might be going without.
When I try to call him and he doesn't answer, I immediately start envisioning the worst and getting hysterical, even though this happens frequently, and he always turns out to be alright.
Sometimes when I'm in this state, I consider suicide. I hate my life right now. It's so overwhelming.
This is affecting my relationship with my husband (who is not my son's father) and my performance at work. I have no friends and no life. Everybody around me thinks I'm depressing and neurotic, and that my son is just jerking me around on purpose. I see their point, but I can't seem to view this situation objectively. I can't get the necessary perspective. I'm in a constant state of low-grade panic. I feel very unhealthy. I can't breathe half the time.
I just don't know what to do.
I thought maybe I'd find others here who have gone through something like this, and find some strategies for coping on a daily basis.
So anyway, that's me.