My anxiety is going to kill me!
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My anxiety is going to kill me!

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Old 08-05-12, 07:43 PM   #1
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Ok, so the title is a bit eccentric, but that is how I feel.

about 5 years ago my father was in an accident and broke his leg, He was going to be fine until they gave him too much medicines. He's brain dead now and has been a vegetable for the last 5 years. I took control as Conservator after it happened because my mother couldn't figure out how to pay all the medical bills. Under my control I lost the house, and after losing the medical case I crashed, and I crashed hard. I lost on a matter of Law.

Now I have to watch my father die, as my mother prays and shows hope for his impossible recovery. (He's in worse shape each passing year.)

I am still conservator and I go to court and all, but my mind goes a dozen directions. I have panic attacks every day. I am paranoid, sometimes rightly so, but other times I am likely hallucinating. I have had hallucinations as well. I have been diagnosed with GAD mixed with a bid of OCD.

I am looking for ways to improve my physical and mental health if anyone has any suggestions. Right now is especially hard as it looks as my fathers health isn't rising. And I have to go in and out of court, to re-certify his care for another year while this is going on and I have convince the state to let my mother keep more of her own money. (money really stresses my out and dealing with attorneys, I want to burst into pieces most of the time.) We are forced to live in poverty because my father became ill.

I am just giving you something to work with here. I don't want you to think that I am weak or anything, but if anyone else had to go through something like this let me know what helped.
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Old 08-06-12, 12:56 AM   #2
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I've no experience in the court issues. I watched my grandmother die the same way. I have watched my fellow marines fall next to me in combat, and I was legally dead in Iraq not once but twice...so death I am familiar with and anxiety and I have been friends for years now. Honestly (and it pains me to say this as I just did a detox for xanax..I was on it for 11 years and decided to get off it)... are you on any medications? I mean there are many breathing exercises and meditation and such but when life hits the wall like it has for you, it seems sometimes a benzo class pill like xanax, ativan, kolonapin and such are the only fast acting pills to help.


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Ok, so the title is a bit eccentric, but that is how I feel.

about 5 years ago my father was in an accident and broke his leg, He was going to be fine until they gave him too much medicines. He's brain dead now and has been a vegetable for the last 5 years. I took control as Conservator after it happened because my mother couldn't figure out how to pay all the medical bills. Under my control I lost the house, and after losing the medical case I crashed, and I crashed hard. I lost on a matter of Law.

Now I have to watch my father die, as my mother prays and shows hope for his impossible recovery. (He's in worse shape each passing year.)

I am still conservator and I go to court and all, but my mind goes a dozen directions. I have panic attacks every day. I am paranoid, sometimes rightly so, but other times I am likely hallucinating. I have had hallucinations as well. I have been diagnosed with GAD mixed with a bid of OCD.

I am looking for ways to improve my physical and mental health if anyone has any suggestions. Right now is especially hard as it looks as my fathers health isn't rising. And I have to go in and out of court, to re-certify his care for another year while this is going on and I have convince the state to let my mother keep more of her own money. (money really stresses my out and dealing with attorneys, I want to burst into pieces most of the time.) We are forced to live in poverty because my father became ill.

I am just giving you something to work with here. I don't want you to think that I am weak or anything, but if anyone else had to go through something like this let me know what helped.
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Old 08-06-12, 02:27 AM   #3
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I was on Xanax, but they were making me Hallucinate, I wasn't getting rem sleep. I was also on Rideline, but after I had my break down I had to stop. I felt bugs were eating me eventually and I couldn't breath and my feet were turning blue. I felt trapped and stalked by everything. My body seemed to be over reacting. I stay away from Caffeine now because that can bring about an episode.

I think what is worse is being powerless to do anything about my situation, but having the responsibility to act. And there is no good choice from my perspective. My family wants my father to get better. They want me to help them do it, but I have talked to more doctors than I know, and I agree that there is not much I can do. But doing nothing is hurtful too.

My thoughts get frozen because there is no where to go. And I don't want my father to die. I wanted my mother and father to have a long natural life. They are barely in their 50's.

As a military person if someone did this to you I am sure there would be negative thoughts about that person too. I have to navigate those as well.

I do feel better writing this though. When I first started writing I felt clear headed kind of, It's not so hot in this room right now.

Last edited by hobomidget; 08-06-12 at 02:31 AM.
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Old 08-06-12, 03:16 AM   #4
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I think what is worse is being powerless to do anything about my situation, but having the responsibility to act. And there is no good choice from my perspective. My family wants my father to get better. They want me to help them do it, but I have talked to more doctors than I know, and I agree that there is not much I can do. But doing nothing is hurtful too.
hobomidget

This here's what crossed my mind as the hardest part when I read your first post-watching him and being powerless to do anything

I don't know why your family has placed this unrealistic burden on you though You do already know there's not a lot you can do. And really, whether they expect you to do something or not, you'd feel some guilt. I think we all feel that when we're helpless. You don't need anymore guilt or burden than you're carrying alreadyCould you have a doctor explain this to them? You're suffering enough as it is!

Do you have anyone in real life who understands and that you can talk to sometimes?

I'm sorry about this situation, Hobomidget. I'm glad talking on here helped you though, even if only a little bit.

We're here for you! Keep talkingVent when/if you feel like!
Don't struggle alone.
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Old 08-06-12, 03:57 AM   #5
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hobomidget

This here's what crossed my mind as the hardest part when I read your first post-watching him and being powerless to do anything

I don't know why your family has placed this unrealistic burden on you though You do already know there's not a lot you can do. And really, whether they expect you to do something or not, you'd feel some guilt. I think we all feel that when we're helpless. You don't need anymore guilt or burden than you're carrying alreadyCould you have a doctor explain this to them? You're suffering enough as it is!

Do you have anyone in real life who understands and that you can talk to sometimes?

I'm sorry about this situation, Hobomidget. I'm glad talking on here helped you though, even if only a little bit.

We're here for you! Keep talkingVent when/if you feel like!
Don't struggle alone.
Thank you celery. My father was a special guy and unfortunately my family don't think the doctors know what they are talking about; And rightly so. See after the anoxic brain injury occurred we had doctors lying to us left and right, or saying nothing. Then we had lawyers spreading a line of BS too, I mean things that didn't even make sense. Saying things like a pneumothorax just formed out of mid air, when in actuality happened during CPR. I am not putting it in the proper context because the scrambled much more, where I couldn't understand. It wasn't until I went to court on my own (lawyer threw us under the bus.) I found out how stupid I was with everything. I still have the whole thing repaying in my head. I can't get away from it.

There was a lot of wrong doing in my fathers case, and I know now how many mistakes I made. My father made the biggest mistake by signing himself into that place, but I don't think he knew what he was signing.

I don't know that stuff make my head worse. You can hear his screams in the charts. You can hear my mothers cries to get him better after that.
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Old 08-07-12, 02:49 AM   #6
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Hobomidget

You are right! Your dad couldn't have known the place would be inadequate. And you too, Hobomidget It's so easy to judge and blame ourselves in hindsight. We forget that at the time we were making those decisions we now regret, we didn't have the knowledge we have in the present. I mean, if you or your dad had known at the time, you'd both have made informed decisions.

I know it is hard, but blaming yourself will make it worse It's hard enough as it is.

I'm so sorry, Hobomidget I don't have any advice, but will listen good!
Vent or talk to us anytime! We're here to hold your hand!
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Old 08-10-12, 10:44 PM   #7
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Hobomidget

You are right! Your dad couldn't have known the place would be inadequate. And you too, Hobomidget It's so easy to judge and blame ourselves in hindsight. We forget that at the time we were making those decisions we now regret, we didn't have the knowledge we have in the present. I mean, if you or your dad had known at the time, you'd both have made informed decisions.

I know it is hard, but blaming yourself will make it worse It's hard enough as it is.

I'm so sorry, Hobomidget I don't have any advice, but will listen good!
Vent or talk to us anytime! We're here to hold your hand!
Thank you. I know that is true, but it hard not to look back when your paying hard for what happened in the past. Even if you didn't do it. The legal system today is a game and has nothing to do with Justice hardly.

All the time I have to fight for income for this or that. They try to defund everything and It's getting harder to pay for my dad's care. We make about $4700 a month, but once we pay into the medical cap and insurance, we actually qualify for a food box at the food bank. And my mom does that, because if she doesn't she can't afford Gas to see her husband. (I have the biggest problems when a Republican gets in office or in any state program really; I don't know what they are doing, but it never helps me.)

Right now I think we will have to choose between paying for My fathers Medical care or our own personal medical care. My mother has thousand in owed for her own medical care as the stress isn't any easier on her, but she does love her husband and I doubt she will give him up.

I don't think this is easy on the nursing staff either. The minute they screw up my mother is there to tell them about it. I don't think the doctors like treating someone when they can only prolong their suffering as well.

I need to have him taken off of full code. I would like to know if my request is out of bound of what is considered exceptable though. What do you think? (anyone)

At this point, ending my own suffering is not out of the question either. Don't think I haven't though about it.

Last edited by hobomidget; 08-10-12 at 10:47 PM.
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Old 08-11-12, 01:33 AM   #8
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hmph,


My mother was offended when I mentioned the possibility of taking off full Code. There is just so much damage. And I am so tired.

I guess I will just keep going.
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Old 08-12-12, 02:38 AM   #9
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I am dreading going in and out of court this next week; likely to get screwed over again. My father is still declining and my mother is still hiding the fact that he is declining. This is going to be tough.
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Old 08-12-12, 05:38 AM   #10
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I am dreading going in and out of court this next week; likely to get screwed over again. My father is still declining and my mother is still hiding the fact that he is declining. This is going to be tough.

Yeah...I feel for you, but don't really know what to say. Keep talking to us... We're listening. I hope that helps you feel less alone,Hobomidget.

You will get through this
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