The island we are alone on...at least I am
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The island we are alone on...at least I am

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Old 04-07-12, 12:29 AM   #1
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I am a man alone on an island. While it is inhabited in some ways, is is very much an island of being alone. Some would say that I make it that way, its my fault it is my choosing. Some people are so very goal oriented and have so much energy emotion and anger to give away, to use, be it there choice or not. I was once that way. I could go on for days and days on hatred and anger binges. it is not religion that has stopped them, it is the fact that I am different now and cant handle much. You see diary, I went out for a walk yesterday but felt very alone and rounded the building, and found myself running back in. Last night I at least drove a bit, it was not easy but a bit better. Now Diary, here is where it gets so very interesting. Knowing me is like managing a washed up fighter who you still for some odd reason need to get in the ring to do bidding for you, show up at things that are expected as normal and put on a face that is normal, while inside it is like going ten rounds of hell within yourself for the pleasure of others, their wants, desires, what they feel is expected or right. How many times the phrase "you just do" or "you cant not just do that" come up in my life? More than I can count.

It is so comical and yet sad that I am considered selfish. If worrying about yourself and your feelings are selfish, then I suppose I am. I will take that title and own it. For so long I was the staple and called a rock. Now that I am falling quickly, those seem to deem me selfish, my problems outweigh others. Now if other have problems and can still find a way to do things, more power to them, but you see they expect me to be the same. If I can not function like they can during the same problems now I am deemed selfish. I have went to offices I did not like, road trains in the freezing cold to a job that was slowly eating away my existence...yet I am selfish now it seems. When I started my new job over two years ago it was beyond unreal everyday for a long time in the beginning. I stuck and pushed and did very well..all that seems to be so easy for someone to forget when I need help the most. They offer advice that you would expect. Go here then and get looked at, when I say what I need in that moment no one hears me on my island. I sit and wonder, am I getting thru? Will I ever get thru? I know that I wont and it is a shame really. I was trying so hard today because of what is expected of me the next few days. I have not showered, I smell and feel weak. EAT THEN. How about some understanding. There is said to be some on terms...and only on terms and times. My island grows smaller by the day.

Winds come off the coast to slam and destroy. While elements of destruction are always around, I try to, as much as possible keep my distance from the storm. No one would ever trust a broken plane to fly in a storm. Some years back in 1999, I would not board a plane that had engine trouble and drove instead. I saw the plane being delayed and being worked on and also delayed due to the storm. It was eventually cleared, but I thought better of it. Life and what you allow into it are storms as well. Some out at sea and some that come on the coast of your existence, shake all the trees, break the windows of your soul and then fly back out to sea. What is left behind is the shattered pieces. Not everyone or really anyone will fully understand me I suppose. I suppose I will, until I die (which I feel as if I am now, shaking, hard to breath ect) not have true peace. I do not think it fair that one should have to wait that long. You can find inner-peace of earth if you are lucky, but many times our luck runs out. My teeth are chattering and the back of my head is shaking as I type this. I shall take no pill this time, I am told I have something then, I have my escape. I want to sit like this and feel this run through my body like the electrical shock that it is, full cycle full on...I am almost curious as to my actions and outcome with my so called rescue pill.
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Old 04-09-12, 10:41 AM   #2
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Just want you to know that I came here today and read your post and see some of myself in this post, too. Your much better and thoughts and words then I am but still I feel what your talking about. Hang in There.
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Old 04-15-12, 12:49 AM   #3
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Thank you for the kind words. I would have replied sooner, however, I was banned. Not sure for what. Violation of guidelines it said lol.
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Old 04-17-12, 11:47 AM   #4
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Welcome back!
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Old 04-18-12, 03:09 AM   #5
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I understand what you wrote (or so I think ) you're saying that even though people deem you as weak and don't give to you because of your (lack of efforts) they still feel free to ask of you what they want and use you , you wish someone can feel your pain the people surrounding you that is because it's those who you've probably spent your time trying to make them uncomfortable and trying to absorb their pains hoping that one day they'll come to understand yours ...
understanding is cool , it's just cool when someone understands so we wouldn't have to get treated badly on our bad days , so we could get some mercy , so that someone could admit that what we are going through is real and valid and that it takes guts to take our pains and just because we are in the same environment with each others doesn't mean we all got to where we are using the same route it's nice when someone admits that you deserve some more because you gave more that others did , unfortunately people usually don't see it that way or at all because it takes energy to think about other people's situations if you haven't been there already or if you are just not used to caring and it works for you ,, mino you don't need people's acknowledgement to say what you're going through is hard because it's enough for you to think that you should trust yourself more , after all it has carried you out in most events of your life . don't waste your life looking for people's approval and anticipating their reactions instead try to look into what you really want and after determining that get to work , if all you want is people's understanding then ask yourself why that is , is it because you feel like it's only real if they say it , or is it because you invested too much effort on people there is no backing now ? well it happens you just gotta know when to quit
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Old 04-18-12, 02:16 PM   #6
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That is a good question. Do I need someones understanding so that is validates the reality of my issues and or situations? The answer to that is no. It is better explained in another post of mine called what I have learned.

I never needed the validity at all. It was never nor has it ever been about that. I have never been the attention seeker. In fact when I am doing my worst, I prefer to be alone in it. Where my post comes from...let me back up and enforce my last statement first. To give you an idea of what type of person I am is difficult as we are typing and throwing letters on a screen. I was a Marine. A recon Marine.That is a very hard thing to be, now granted that was at this point..17 year ago. I served combat in the gulf (1st war). I own no hats, t shirts and out of all the tatoos I have got, none of them reference anything to do with the Marines. It is just that I never wanted to be that guy who joined the VFW and told my stories. So I was never the attention getting type. With that said, my island as I spoke of is in the context...let me think of an example. Let's say you have been the strong one for everyone else (in spite of your issues). I have had horrific anxiety and panic attacks until I am shaking waiting for the xanax to kick in. Through all of this, 11 years of this, I still delivered presentations to a roomful of corporate executives and won accounts, I was always there and pushed myself at all costs. Recently I have found myself broken (however I have been getting better since that post was written) and the island comes in play when I see people expecting the same results from me be it work or at home, when in fact this is the one time I cant make that final push, that I need a few days to try to get myself together. I became agoraphobic for about a week or more...it was very difficult. I was like that for 6 months years ago and terrified it was happening again. Easter comes and here I am. What is expected of me? To have to sit at both families tables and chit chat after and try to appear normal while people ask quietly "is he ok?" those are the times I feel someone should step up to bat for me and say hey ya know what, I will take the baby to both our parents houses, its obvious you do not feel well and have not been doing good. Because you are needed in the ring of life another day to fight the fight...take some time. Instead you get, just stay home and I will go and make an excuse for you? I dont need an excuse. I gave of myself in the sands, I give of myself daily in spite of anything that comes up....so in return if I finally hit the wall...a bit of that in return would be kind...that is what my post was about.
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Old 04-19-12, 02:51 AM   #7
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oh I get it now I'm sorry I didn't mean you were seeking attention and wanting people's understanding doesn't mean you want attention , also it's ok to want people to appreciate when you're having a hard time and back off , because it's like this imagine you sitting in a room with people you don't know and have to work with and you're tired and it doesn't show , if you don't work as hard as the rest of them at that particular moment it doesn't matter if you have worked hard before because they just don't understand to them you're lazy and want things done the easy way . so while it's not attention it's just what it is understanding , what I got from what you wrote was that you are a selfless person but you wanna rest now and people won't understand , so maybe you should give yourself a break wither or wither they don't understand eventually humans are flexible and get used to all sorts of things ,,(btw I have read your other post but before I read this one and I didn't notice it was by the same person sorry)
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