I'm Either A Horrible Person Or A Great One
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I'm Either A Horrible Person Or A Great One

This is a discussion on I'm Either A Horrible Person Or A Great One within the Anxiety forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I am either criminally-insane scum with a couple quirks in my moral compass, OR, I am a great person who ...

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Old 08-11-15, 05:14 AM   #1
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Default I'm Either A Horrible Person Or A Great One

I am either criminally-insane scum with a couple quirks in my moral compass, OR, I am a great person who over-thinks their actions and thoughts.

Here is why I think I'm a good person:

I am currently sitting in my living-room, covered in over thirty (and counting) mosquito bites. I couldn't handle the itch any more, and I had to break out my fly-swatter. This is the first time I've lost my nerve enough to kill an insect. If a fly is bothering me, I catch it and let it outside, if a spider is frightening me, I catch it and put it outside. The only time, before this, that I've killed something is when I accidentally turned on my shower without checking and a moth went down the drain, and I still feel like a shitty person for that.

Anyway, back to the mosquitoes, I killed five before coming on the forum. I couldn't handle it anymore. I feel like an absolute piece of garbage for ending a life. Those insects were just trying to survive like everyone else, and I killed them for it. It makes me feel like a fucking monster. I would let cougars eat me alive before trying to hurt them. I've been attacked by a pack of dogs (got the scars to prove it) and still managed to get out without harming anything.

Here is why I think I'm a bad person:

I go for night walks every night, usually sometime from 11:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. Sometimes I see people. Threatening people.

I'm fairly rape-able, and I assume a rapist wouldn't pass the opportunity. A man tried to grab me one night, putting his hand over my mouth, and I injured him. In the arm, it was a flesh wound, nothing fatal, and he ran. I survived un-raped. Thing is, I tried to do damage to him with those swings, I feel no remorse. When I hear about child-molesters, rapists, most crimes harming others, I want to harm them. And I would, if I wasn't small, rape-able, and at risk of legal action. I would regret nothing if they did any of those crimes.

What do you think? Am I shit, or am I not-shit? Where is your vote placed? I know this forum is about support, but if you think I'm shit, tell me so, I want you to, so I can seek therapy and fix it.


Last edited by Forest; 08-11-15 at 01:11 PM.
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Old 08-11-15, 07:57 AM   #2
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you're not a horrible person for killing mosquitoes.all you wanted to do is stop them biting you. (like any person would).mosquitoes are horrible
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Old 08-11-15, 08:49 AM   #3
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Well, I think you‘re good person. And I know you‘re not bad one. Except from not killing insects (usually, but hey, we‘re talking about mosquitos, right? Little flying insects that literally suck your blood?) you‘re here helping people in trouble? Can bad person do that? I don‘t think. You would have killed him if it came to that? Of course! That‘s the way your body is made to work. Moment andrenaline starts rushing through your veins, there are two options. Flight or fight, right? So your brain chooses more optimal one. In your case, you couldn‘t flight. Can you imagine what could happen if you didn‘t defend yourself? Hell, lets take a look in a prisons? Why you ask? Well, prisons are places full of all kind of scumbags, right? I don‘t say all people in prisons are scumbags, but there‘s a plenty of them? Do you know for which crimes you don‘t want to get there? Rape, child abuse, and so on. You know why? Because even other prisoners hate rapists. Can you imagine how low is it when other people like them, robbers and whatnot hate them. To put it simple: Attacking another human is wrong, but attacking women or child is much much worse. And you didn‘t even attack him. You defended yourself.

These are my reasons. So please don‘t beat yourself over it. You should be shocked he tried that, not because you wanted to get out of there unhurth (just kidding, shock is not good. But I‘m serious about rest).
Most people fail in life not because they aim too high and miss, but because they aim too low and hit.

Last edited by Forest; 08-11-15 at 01:23 PM.
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Old 08-11-15, 10:49 AM   #4
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I think this whole exercise is problematic. Do *you* think you're a bad person? This sounds like being a people-pleaser. The goal of therapy isn't to turn you into a good person. It's to help you find yourself and accept yourself, which is more complex than good and bad.

I don't think you should care what people think either way. FWIW, I think it's too much to not kill insects. What if your home was roach infested, would you escort all of them? With the blood lust against rapists etc., I think it's because of that incident, so it's understandable.

No one's perfectly moral. We have all done bad things, every last one of us, even saints.
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Old 08-11-15, 12:24 PM   #5
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Thanks Emily and Shacke for the support, it was helpful.

Yeah, I think you are right, SensualGirl. About therapy, people-pleasing, and such. FYI I would totally escort each roach out of my house. My thing about killing insects, or anything except criminals, isn't that it's an insect and I don't want to kill it. It's about that insect's life. I don't want to think of any life as more valuable than the other, that is one of the reasons I have a whole thing about killing. It's also the concept of ending a life, regardless of the life, be it bug or beast. It's just trying to exist an survive like everyone else, and I'm suppose to just take that life because it's hanging around and I don't like it.

That's is also why *I* think I'm a bad person. Because I value lives of insects more than humans who have done wrong. BTW, I had this thing about rapists before the event, and it's not like that was a PTSD moment, I just don't like rapists.

But I get what you are saying. And I appreciate the help.

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