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This is a discussion on i wish frontal lobotomies were en vogue within the Anxiety forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; 23. She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do ...

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Old 09-29-12, 01:59 PM   #31
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23. She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse of you. You made her do it. If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged but now you feel guilty. You may find yourself telling her time and time, “I’m sorry” and not quite knowing what you are apologizing for. Your brother beats you and her response is to bemoan how uncivilized children are. Your boyfriend dumped you, but she can understand - after all, she herself has seen how difficult you are to love. She’ll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. She can’t believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object to her giving your favorite dress to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is 1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable. 2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties. 3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way. 4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault. 5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours. 6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down, again. 7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.

24. She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist (which is nearly impossible) and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to drive her children apart. While her children are still living at home, any child who stands up to the narcissist guarantees punishment for the rest. In her zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully turns the siblings’ anger on the dissenter by including everyone in her retaliation. (“I can see that nobody here loves me! Well I’ll just take these Christmas presents back to the store. None of you would want anything I got you anyway!”) The other children, long trained by the narcissist to give in, are furious with the troublemaking child, instead of with the narcissist who actually deserves their anger.

The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her children’s relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the golden child doesn’t see her unfairness and she/he excuses her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt – or is so beat down that she acquiesces and goes silently inward. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.

Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. She may never praise you to your face, but she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it. She may tell you of gifts she’s given to the golden child, or lunches they’ve had together, or trips they’ve taken, always in glowing terms, intended to make you, the scapegoat, feel confused or less-then by comparison.

The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

25. As a last resort she goes pathetic. When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you. As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.

2007 Psychological Services, Inc.
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Old 09-29-12, 02:17 PM   #32
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Okay.. my mom is a narcissist. She has a lot of that, though she has a good side too. I remember when she said that thing, she got mad at me for posting online about it and said I was lying on top of that! I wasn't.

The first thing they do is plead their privacy.

She also gaslights, like my ex does, and like my ex, pretends to be nice to me in public and *I* get blamed when I say something about her that isn't that good but is true, or don't be nice to her.

Anyway, Eye, you sound like you don't have much motivation to just do what you think you want... so do what you actually want now (and you have to know what you actually want now).
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Old 09-29-12, 02:42 PM   #33
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Okay.. my mom is a narcissist. She has a lot of that, though she has a good side too. I remember when she said that thing, she got mad at me for posting online about it and said I was lying on top of that! I wasn't.
my mom has a good side too. sadly, it's only for everyone else for "show." but when home alone with me?... she was so horrible and i didn't even realize how horrible it was until i broke away from her.

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She also gaslights, like my ex does, and like my ex,
i married a NPD man who was so utterly passive-aggressive in order to get away from my mother. he was so abusive. but same thing as above-- everyone LOOOOVED my ex-husband and thought he was such a great guy. but at home alone with me? so abusive on all levels. i didn't know which one was worse at times-- him or my mother. and then the only other guy i dated (besides the guy i'm with now) was SUCH a self-absorbed, selfish prick, too. but he was so much nicer than my ex, that i was happy to have ANYONE who was nice to me even just a little bit. this guy was such an ass the more i think about it. he made me pay for EVERYTHING and his children were even narcissists. so self-absorbed and greedy. lived like filthy animals, too. he slipped a few times and told me how his wife divorced him for being selfish and depleting her life savings for some retarded "board game" business he wanted to run, and how he was so passive-aggressive and such a cheater and a liar. even my brother warned me in so few words about him (he was friends with him that's how i met him, but my brother basically called him a loser). now that i look back i feel sick thinking i wasted a year and a half with him, although i did have fun b/c it was my goal to just have fun and make up for "lost time" so to speak. thank god i'm with a generous, selfless man now. but i'm sad b/c he's too late, i'm afraid. i'm just so miserable anymore-- even with him being so nice and patient with me.

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Anyway, Eye, you sound like you don't have much motivation to just do what you think you want... so do what you actually want now (and you have to know what you actually want now).
there's nothing. that's the problem. the only thing i'm doing now is going on message boards like this and complaining about how shitty my life is and has been. i keep praying the whole "2012" bullshit is true, so this world can be wiped out and extinct the human race.

you know how people have dreams that "oh, i want to be this when i grow up!" or "i want to do this creative pursuit!" or "i want to change the world by doing this great act!"

i don't feel that way anymore. i have no drive. no sense of purpose. i feel that this world isn't worth saving. that people are inherently evil and selfish. if i could just slip into a coma and die of natural causes eventually, that would be great. it would be a nice passive form of suicide. i could get off on a technicality, morally-speaking.

although i would be super stoked if there was some sort of end-of-world occurrence and i woke up to find everyone dead and gone except me and like liam neeson or something. :D he'd have no choice b/c i'd literally be the last woman on earth, ya know.

or a zombie apocalypse would be awesome. but then i'd still have to worry about other assholes out there with their survival instinct on overdrive, trying to rape and pillage the rest of the survivors.

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Old 09-29-12, 02:47 PM   #34
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Ah, so you are maybe underrstimulated, where nothing seems to be enough? Antidepressants are actually for that. :)

I also want to add that my mother also made me feel like an extension of her rather than my own person. She's apologized for this and for a LOT. It did help. Just getting those apologies means she knows what she did, even if she does it again, and if she does it again I'll just move out and not get depressed.
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Old 09-29-12, 02:51 PM   #35
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Ah, so you are maybe underrstimulated, where nothing seems to be enough? Antidepressants are actually for that. :)
i dunno. perhaps. when i was on celexa, it helped to calm down the anxiety a LOT, however like i said before it stopped working so i weaned myself off of it, b/c at that time i had to quit my job (AGAIN) because of the stress/PTSD.

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I also want to add that my mother also made me feel like an extension of her rather than my own person. She's apologized for this and for a LOT. It did help. Just getting those apologies means she knows what she did, even if she does it again, and if she does it again I'll just move out and not get depressed.
oh, you're lucky. my mother never apologized once. NOT EVER. DURING MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH HER I DID NOT HEAR THAT PHRASE COME FROM HER LIPS NOT EVEN ONCE. she was always right. if she did something wrong? it was still my fault somehow. or she'd lie about it and say she didn't do it. she convinced me she was perfect as a child. scary, eh? and while she was perfect, i became the fuck up, naturally. i couldn't do anything right.

but yeah, sounds more like a passive-aggressive move to me via your mom. most P-A personalities do that in order to suck you back in over and over again.

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Old 09-29-12, 02:54 PM   #36
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Mine said she was perfect as a child but her siblings and mother said otherwise, that she was spoiled. :P She then denied having been like that, sticking to her story that she was perfect.


She also would say stuff like "I didn't do it."


But she apologized a lot and listens to me and other people sometimes and I dunno if sshe'll get narcissistic again.

Celexa was my first AD too and it made me go so so up... took away my social anxiety completely too. You need anther anti dep, sometimes they do wear off.
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Old 09-29-12, 03:02 PM   #37
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Mine said she was perfect as a child but her siblings and mother said otherwise, that she was spoiled. :P She then denied having been like that, sticking to her story that she was perfect.


She also would say stuff like "I didn't do it."


But she apologized a lot and listens to me and other people sometimes and I dunno if sshe'll get narcissistic again.

Celexa was my first AD too and it made me go so so up... took away my social anxiety completely too. You need anther anti dep, sometimes they do wear off.
hahaha... that's my phrase now-- "i didn't do it!" and the reason why i always say it is b/c i want people to know i wasn't the one who messed up, b/c doing something less-than-perfect with my mom around constituted hours of verbal and physical bashing. i will hold myself accountable if i do something wrong, but if i'm not? no way i'm risking the yelling and the abuse again (at least in my mind) for something i know i didn't do.


my mother's favorite expression was always, "you should HAVE some MOTHERS...." she'd randomly say it, and it was really weird. but now i understand that she was just batshit crazy and didn't need a reason to shout at me about how great she was for no reason.
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Old 09-29-12, 03:10 PM   #38
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hahaha... that's my phrase now-- "i didn't do it!" and the reason why i always say it is b/c i want people to know i wasn't the one who messed up, b/c doing something less-than-perfect with my mom around constituted hours of verbal and physical bashing. i will hold myself accountable if i do something wrong, but if i'm not? no way i'm risking the yelling and the abuse again (at least in my mind) for something i know i didn't do.


my mother's favorite expression was always, "you should HAVE some MOTHERS...." she'd randomly say it, and it was really weird. but now i understand that she was just batshit crazy and didn't need a reason to shout at me about how great she was for no reason.
I also say "I didn't do it", though I rarely have to, but I say it for the same reason you do. She did sometimes also get mad at me for taking things of hers I didn't take and didn't believe me when I said I didn't do it. But that was when she wass having a (undiagnosed) psychotic episode. My ex, who used to be a psych tech (but did some of the stuff my mother did but apologized later with prompting for an explanation), agreed she was psychotic. She even said she shouldn't have to apologize because "I made a mistake. People make mistakes." Well that's why you should apologize!!!

Suffice it to say she was unfair all my life.

Yeah, she also did that "You are lucky you have me, spoiled brat, there are mothers worse thatn me!" That's a poor excuse to do what she did.

Are you gonna try meds? How many have you tried?
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Old 09-29-12, 03:28 PM   #39
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Oh, and she would also give stuff of mine away without asking, and lie without realizing it.

Made me feel like a monster too.

But other times she made me feel like a real good person.

Anyway, if you don't like meds there are other treatments; have you tried any?
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Old 09-29-12, 03:59 PM   #40
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Oh, and she would also give stuff of mine away without asking, and lie without realizing it.
the best time was when i was only like 7 or so and my mom decided to give all my toys away. even then i could tell my mom was doing something out of spite, even though i didn't know what spite or jealousy was.

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Made me feel like a monster too.

But other times she made me feel like a real good person.

Anyway, if you don't like meds there are other treatments; have you tried any?
my mom never made me feel like a good person, b/c she'd immediately retract the feeling in some manner.

i don't think there are any viable treatments. i think they're all band-aids for the underlying issue which is: this world is a very nasty, cruel, broken place. just like the bullshit on tv is here to distract us from how horrible everything is, so does the medication trick us into accepting a false reality.
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