I haven’t faced a demon like the Past few months in all my life. I’ve experienced so many feelings that I cannot even begin to express. My journey began over a year ago with intense insomnia. It was as if it appeared out of no were. I had assumed it as simply from stress and I was right. Things began to worsen as the weeks when by and became such an out of control problem that I was unable to sleep for days at a time. At the time I was against any and all prescription drugs so the thought of medication never crossed my mind. Stress kept on building and I picked up a nasty habit of smoking and drinking excessive amounts of caffeine in order to stay conscience during classes. I was unbelievably unhappy. A few months passed and it appeared as though things were getting better as the final school semester came to an end. I became much more social I kicked my caffeine habit and even got a girl friend. But once again things got rough I was unable to sleep all my social relations fell through and I was alone again wile this didn’t seem to bother me I met some new people and regrettably did a little bit of partying over spring break. One way or another my family managed to find out about my spring break adventures and I don’t think they will ever look at me the same way. We don’t talk about it but I can tell there is a sense of trust that was lost and I will never get back despite my apologies and actions. I began not sleeping again and what I had done really sunk in. It wasn’t soon before the new school year had just begun and I was attempting to deal with my family but most of my time was spent locked up in my room.

When school started things started to get unbearably bad. What was once slight depression was now major. I could and still can’t barley wake up in the morning. I’m not sleeping and the first day back on campus I came down with stomach ulcers (for those who don’t know they are extremely painful stomach pains that you get when you drink too much acidic liquids aka coffee) so I stopped smoking and drinking coffee which was surprisingly very easy. I think this was a major turning point for me mostly because I had begun to notice that I was not invincible. That was when the guilt sunk in. I felt and still feel guilty about everything and anything. For what I did to my parents even for kids I bullied in grade school over 10 years ago, everything. I still couldn’t sleep and it was getting worse I was failing classes and I had lost over 20 pounds (I wasn’t over weight so this puts me way under weight). It’s almost as though I feel soulless. Suicide was in my mind a major portion of the time, down to the place time and method I had everything planned. Another unusual effect that began happening was these panic attacks and an insane twitch in my right arm strong shakes and twitches in my arm and occasionally in my eye brows. I decided that it was time to see a doctor and he prescribed my Buspar. This worked quite well. I was still majorly depressed but the twitching had stopped and the drug had a slight emotional numbing effect which helped a little. I was also able to get a decent amount of sleep.

Things took a turn for the worst after a little over a month since I started using Buspar. Two close friends of mine, people who had been there when I was on the verge of committing suicide began using drugs not just any drugs they were snorting Percocet. Don’t ask me I know it is ridiculous. I tried to ignore it but the way they were flaunting it in my face. I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped hanging out with them and I stopped taking buspar in spite of what they were doing. Inevitably the shaking and panic attacks came back but this time twice as bad as before. I’m in some of the worst shape that I’ve ever been in my life. I feel overwhelmed with guilt and so emotionally isolated it seems as though I cannot connect with anyone. I have no interest in anything I. I’m not sure what to make of it all. I just want to be someone I can look in the mirror and be ok with, but lately I hate myself.

Well, I'll start by wishing you the best of luck during these rough times. Now, I know life is tough and that's made even worse with sleeping problems. I got lucky. I sleep WAY too much and that leaves me tired, but it's nothing like insomnia. And while you may regret the partying, at least you had the experience and it looks like you grew from it. As for your family, it may take time for them to deal with what you have done, but that doesn't mean they'll brood over it forever. They love you and, in the end and even now, they'll forgive you. I mean, it's not hard to understand why you did what you did, so I'm sure they'll see it that way too.

You stopped taking Buspar? I can see what you're saying, but it's not like drugs will do you much harm if you use them correctly. If it's done something good for you, why not continue? I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. If you ever feel like talking, you can message me. I've been told I'm a good listener. Hope things work out or at least get bearable!

I'm sorry things have been so hard for you lately. I hate that feeling and to suffer ulcers would be so painful! I hope that is all better now.

If the medication did help, I'd really advise to start taking it again. It isn't like abusing drugs, not if its controlled and prescribed. This happens for a reason, there's a medical diagnosis that identifies a problem and a solution to resolve it. That's what its trying to do.

It is hard when our friends do destructive things and you can't help them, control the situation and feel pushed away from them because of that.

Shame is a most destructive emotion and it sounds like that's what you have with your family at the moment.. try and let that go. It would be good if you could have therapy to discuss this. Remember if you haven't killed anyone, you're probably okay!

Good luck!