Feeling lost in the malaise
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Feeling lost in the malaise

This is a discussion on Feeling lost in the malaise within the Anxiety forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; ...I can't figure out why. I should be ecstatic with where I am and what I'm doing. I have a ...

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Old 04-01-14, 10:35 AM   #1
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...I can't figure out why. I should be ecstatic with where I am and what I'm doing. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I've been with for nearly a year, I'm in law school (and doing well no less). I absolutely appreciate everything that I have, dare I say I love everything that I have. Yet, within me there is a gnawing empty hole. I work so goddamn hard just to protect those I care about from that gnawing abyss inside me. Most of the time I just want to run into the woods- disappear- I'm scared and I don't know why. I've been through absolute hell. I have PTSD from an extremely abusive relationship. I have the world in the palm of my hand, I try to pat myself on the back and congratulate myself, but to no avail... my anxiety and self-deprecation erode any attempt to build myself up from the dust. Hell maybe I'm just being a whiny pussy... maybe I should just suck it up... I try, but I fail... I always end up failing those I care about... that's the heart of it. I fail those I care about. Maybe that's why my ex treated me the way she did...
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Old 04-01-14, 12:07 PM   #2
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First off, you're not a whiny pussy for talking about how you feel. It's how you feel. Don't let society dictate to you how to think and feel. You can compare yourself to men of the past who were stoic and didn't show any emotion, but most of them died of alcohol and tobacco abuse because they were trying to be macho. Up to you.

Good for you for doing what you're doing. You sound like you've got some direction. Forward momentum is always good. Remember that even if you take 3 steps forwards and 2 steps back that you're still always moving forward. You may stumble and fuck up here and there. Some self-doubt is OK. Everyone has it. Anxiety and self-deprecation go hand in hand and unfortunately there is no cookie-cutter way to deal with those two. I have them as well. Just remember you're not perfect. You're going to have ups and downs. Right now you're just sort of off center. You will get back on track, I promise. I believe you will.

I can't stress this enough. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're going to be your toughest critic. You may see events in your life as failures but they aren't because you will learn from them and build up life experience. The people you care about around you will be there for you regardless because they care about you. They want to be there even when you're at your lowest.

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Old 04-02-14, 08:54 PM   #3
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I know, I know absolutely what you mean... I just freeze up at times... that's the only thing that the people that care about me now don't understand about me... they think I can do ok now that I've passed the chapter in my life that contained my own personal hell. They think I can control the flashbacks I have to where I was... I can't. They think I can snap myself out of a panic attack... I can't. I feel broken all over again but in a new horrifying way... I thought I was getting better. I thought I had grown stronger. Yes, I know and acknowledge that even if I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back that that is still forward momentum.

Heh, I must be some sort of crazy for plunging myself into something that is build to break you right after fixing myself. Yet it was this insane leap that has helped me fix myself... well until now at least. The insane leaps I have taken from the poor shape I was in before that brought me to where I am today gave me a goal. That forward momentum you so eloquently spoke of.

As for being my own worst critic... I've struggled with that my entire life... I guess that its a cop-out to say that though. Sort of implies that "oh well, that's the way it is" which doesn't help... ugh

The most wonderful thing is I never in my wildest dreams could have seen myself where I am today from where I was before. I could never see the stars from where I was... it seemed then that the stars had abandoned me.

I'm scared and frozen right now for no reason... lost in the aether... I know it's all in my head and that I am ok, but the fog wont clear. Still icy fingers massage their way into my body...gripping me, immobilizing me.
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Old 04-03-14, 11:52 AM   #4
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I'm going to lose her... oh god... I'm going to lose her. I'm going to lose her and its all my fault. I've failed her. Ive failed her ive failed her ive failed her
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Old 04-03-14, 11:55 AM   #5
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Don't give up. All my life I've made horrible decisions. I have lost those who meant the most to me. I have dropped out of all the endeavors I've started.

Yet. I'm still not going to give up. So you don't give up either!


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Old 04-03-14, 05:54 PM   #6
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...Im freezing up more with how she's acting... she thinks shes helping me... I have actual tremors because I think shes going to leave me... I dont know how I can survive going through that again... my last break-up, even though that abusive bitch left me, still shattered me. I can't stop shaking with fear... all I have seen all day are flashbacks... im coming apart at the seams. I dont know how to not give up... its not that I want to quit its I physically cannot move................. god. what do i do what do i do? I cant stop shaking.......
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