FEAR.....That is what my life is summed up of, in fact it obliterates everything in its path. In a world where everybody is really alone, fear walks beside me night and day. It whispers all of the worse case scenerios and shouts at me all my imperfections. The only positive thing about it now is that after recieving counselling and reading a thousand or so books about the topic, a part of me can see it for what it is. I know it's tricks and lies and try as often as I can to see beyond it...but it's a hard fight and more often than not it is me lying on the floor after a battle. Knocked on my ass once again and doubting every positive thing present in my life.
I recently had trouble at work and issued a complaint against the co-worker that was making my life a living hell. She has sinced been fired and even though I feel guilty with the outcome, I'm hoping now that maybe my anxiety won't flare so much but every morning I wake up to a heart beating way too fast and the taste of fear in my mouth.
Things appear to be going well in my life and the company has shown me great support on my return. Other staff members are being very welcoming with only the exception of one or two people that were friends with the girl that left. I try to say hi to them when I see them but they just ignore me and don't respond. I'm not overly troubled by this and was expecting my reception back to be a lot worse.
I also went out on Friday after work to finally exhale and relax from the stress and maybe celebrate a little. I ended up getting enough guts to talk to this guy that I met over 5 months ago. It was unbelievable that he remembered me and even more amazing that he was willing to talk nicely to me since our last time together ended extremely bad. It took me a month to get over him and nightly crying sessions. This of course makes me question the wisdom in talking to him again but I must admit all dressed up he looked so damn nice...I literally couldn't help myself.
Of course in my anxiety riddled life this has popped up more scenerio's in my life to be petrified over. And I'm constantly questioning our suitablity, he's a doctor and I can't go out with someone that smart. Half the time he's talking I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I'm just an administration assistant and at this moment my position is below even that. I'm 37 years old and live at home and wouldn't want to let him know that and be open to ridicule. He's confident and I'm not and he likes to constantly tease and more often than not there is a brother/sister wise cracking element to the conversations.
He doesn't like insecure women and "doubt" is my middle name. We do make each other laugh and he can be quite funny, although I am amazed how he can act so silly and still be a doctor. It's all quite early but he appears to not be overly affectionate and doesn't cuddle which is the kind of stuff I need to feel wanted. This defintely goes under the the heading of "too much information" but I'm not sure how well we mesh.
We tried to sleep with other and even that was somewhat of a failure, he couldn't um lets say perform and since this has never happened before to me (saying that I have only slept with 3 guys in my life), it just made me feel like there was something wrong with me. The next morning we talked in bed and laughed and it was really nice. But what if the sex can't work with us?
He has my phone number but I'm dreading the though of him ringing because I'm super shy and my anxiety hits me hard when talking on the phone. My heart beats fast, my voice wobbles and I quickly die of shame as I realise there is no way to hide my absolute terror of such a mudane act as communicating on the phone. And yet if he doesn't ring I know its going to hurt too.
Why is life so hard?????