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Do you ever?

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Old 04-18-12, 03:23 PM   #1
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DO you ever feel as if there is no hope for ever getting better? Myself, I feel this way at times. At 40 I long for the youthful feelings of safety and security that only saturday morning cartoons and the belief in Santa could bring.

Years pass, we find we have been out of high school over 20 years and wonder...how the hell did I get to here? What do I do now that I am here? and how do I get out of here? My anxiety leads to depression (I think so anyway, at the very least an emotion that is negative) and the spiral starts.

Long gone are the books on tape, the cd's that play rain storms and relaxing ocean waves, the candle that sat next to my bed for 6 months when I was afraid to leave my house...all that was back in 2002. 10 years have passed. I have had my good and bad months days weeks and even years during this time. Much good has happened, and while it is more good than bad, the bad can be well....bad.

I read a book once. Perhaps some of you have. I dont remember much of it except two mice went the same place everyday to get cheese in this maze. One day they went and it was gone. One mouse went after the cheese and adapted to change and overcame fear (this book is mostly used in corporate america when a a company is restructuring). What I remember most was the mouse who went in the maze left a note on the wall for the other mouse that said "what would you do today if you were not afraid". I ripped that page out of the book and hung on to it for a long time...I've no idea what happened to it all these years later.I used to pull it out and look at it. Note to self: find that image and print it out online.

So what would I do today if I was not afraid? More than likely just live a little easier, not so much on edge with the anxiety or worrying when it will hit. I don't need to do anything extreme like jump out of plane, I did that in the marines and it was nothing to write home about. I don't need to do anything at all really...just some peace. Is that not what we all want? some peace and tranquility, a break from the issues, a break in time where all seems well and is well........ BUT............what do you do when you get it? I remember once years back in 04 I ended up in the hospital. Bleeding ulcer and I dont even drink..didnt then either. For the week I was there I had no anxiety....for a few days after being home I had no issues either...then it seemed weird to me and they slowly came back. I often wonder if all my issues stopped dead if I would even know how to function. Odd is it not?
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Old 04-18-12, 03:26 PM   #2
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Not odd at all. You've built your life around them and in spite of them. If they stopped dead, all the little rituals and strategies you use to get through the day suddenly have no resistance, and the sudden loss (while quite welcome) would be REALLY disorienting for a few weeks. ;)

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Old 04-18-12, 03:48 PM   #3
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You are very right. Rituals and strategies...I liked those words you used..as that is exactly what it all is.
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