One of the many joys I have in my life is my social anxiety, I also have depression but currently its the anxiety that is making my life unbearable. It's a daily struggle and recently due to circumstances out of my control, I find myself dangeously close to another breakdown.
First of all I came to this site once again for the vain hope that someone will understand why what may seem simple to others is so terrifying to me that last night all I could do was think of killing myself. I haven't been sleeping for two nights, didn't really eat yesterday and just came back from work a total mess...crying etc in the end I had to ring up a counsellor to try and help me just survive through this.
Social anxiety makes it extremely difficult to talk to others and I can sometimes get physical reactions, heart palpitations, wobbly voice, erractic breathing and shaky hands. This of course is embarrassing which just makes the panic intensify and symptoms get so much worse. But I've managed to push myself into work but yesterday I went in and was told that they were video taping a skit for a upcoming competition and my supervisor recommended me. As soon as I heard this my body went into flight or panic mode, I just wanted to die. It was my worse nightmare come true and to make it worse I was told at 10 o'clock and they were making the video at 11:30 that same day.
I was called to go to the boardroom and I pushed myself but my mind was racing in tune with my way too fast heart. I was in full panic mode and I told them that I didn't like being on camera and I would be too nervous could they get someone else but they told me they wanted me to be nervous so it would be funny. Now I am faced with the nightmare of 200 people seeing the skit on Thursday and laughing at my obvioius terror. My voice wobbled, I was talking way too fast and I looked visibly terrifed. My family can't understand the big deal I am making of it and are suggesting when people laugh at me to join in with them.
But to a social anxious person who fights their own demons every day just to appear normal, to try and fit in a lawyer firm (where the people are more confident and arrogant) to have your weaknesses exposed, to be vulnerable and to have everything that you hate about yourself on film, the nervous fast talking, my accent that intensifies when nervous and the wobbly voice is just....well it's my worst nightmare come true. I would rather die than be vulnerable and exposed on camera.
Now I feel so sick.......so scared inside and I can't explain to any normal person where my fear comes from. All I keep thinking is I have about 4 days to kill myself.