Can anyone understand?
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Can anyone understand?

This is a discussion on Can anyone understand? within the Anxiety forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; One of the many joys I have in my life is my social anxiety, I also have depression but currently ...

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Old 03-30-12, 08:40 PM   #1
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Default Can anyone understand?

One of the many joys I have in my life is my social anxiety, I also have depression but currently its the anxiety that is making my life unbearable. It's a daily struggle and recently due to circumstances out of my control, I find myself dangeously close to another breakdown.

First of all I came to this site once again for the vain hope that someone will understand why what may seem simple to others is so terrifying to me that last night all I could do was think of killing myself. I haven't been sleeping for two nights, didn't really eat yesterday and just came back from work a total mess...crying etc in the end I had to ring up a counsellor to try and help me just survive through this.

Social anxiety makes it extremely difficult to talk to others and I can sometimes get physical reactions, heart palpitations, wobbly voice, erractic breathing and shaky hands. This of course is embarrassing which just makes the panic intensify and symptoms get so much worse. But I've managed to push myself into work but yesterday I went in and was told that they were video taping a skit for a upcoming competition and my supervisor recommended me. As soon as I heard this my body went into flight or panic mode, I just wanted to die. It was my worse nightmare come true and to make it worse I was told at 10 o'clock and they were making the video at 11:30 that same day.

I was called to go to the boardroom and I pushed myself but my mind was racing in tune with my way too fast heart. I was in full panic mode and I told them that I didn't like being on camera and I would be too nervous could they get someone else but they told me they wanted me to be nervous so it would be funny. Now I am faced with the nightmare of 200 people seeing the skit on Thursday and laughing at my obvioius terror. My voice wobbled, I was talking way too fast and I looked visibly terrifed. My family can't understand the big deal I am making of it and are suggesting when people laugh at me to join in with them.

But to a social anxious person who fights their own demons every day just to appear normal, to try and fit in a lawyer firm (where the people are more confident and arrogant) to have your weaknesses exposed, to be vulnerable and to have everything that you hate about yourself on film, the nervous fast talking, my accent that intensifies when nervous and the wobbly voice is just....well it's my worst nightmare come true. I would rather die than be vulnerable and exposed on camera.

Now I feel so scared inside and I can't explain to any normal person where my fear comes from. All I keep thinking is I have about 4 days to kill myself.
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Old 03-30-12, 08:53 PM   #2
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I am so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed, 3days

Personally, yes, I can understand. I haven't had it that badly for quite a while but I've been there a few times. One incident which would have mildly embarrassed any "normal" person, and I would go home and think of how best to commit suicide over it. The humiliation and the fear is honestly unbearable. Even now there are some things I flat out refuse to do, just to avoid the ordeal of social anxiety. It is so frustrating that most people simply don't understand... they say "just do it" "get it over with" "who cares" etc but they don't realise it's more than just shyness, it's a fear that completely takes you over and because it affects you physically you can't just ignore it.

Is there anything you've done before which has helped you with the anxiety? Any coping strategy that has worked in the past?
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Old 03-31-12, 04:21 AM   #3
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Hi Knox,

It doesn't matter what coping strategy I use, I can never imagine going in on Thursday and watching myself getting laughed at by 200 people at my work. I don't know maybe drinking so much until I never wake up, sounds like a pretty good idea.

I guess right now I can't cope, alcohol and running away have always been my stand by coping mechanisms in these situations....or praying for death. I usually try to get drunk enough so I am untouchable, I can force myself in a situation that scares the hell out of me...yet be detached and calm under the alcohol's influence.
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Old 03-31-12, 06:20 AM   #4
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Being a runner-away and avoider myself, I can picture myself just not going in that day. The fact that you're trying to think of a way to be there and get through it sounds brave.

Maybe I shouldn't bother with this while you're in the middle of worries, but I actually find it outrageous that they maneuvered you into being in a video while in distress. This law firm is pretty unbelievable.

Whatever coping method you choose in order to handle it, don't feel guilty about it.
They did something wrong. Do they know that you experience this sort of anxiety?
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Old 03-31-12, 08:23 AM   #5
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Hi, don't give me too much mind is frantically searching for avenues of escape and I am seriously considering not going in on Thursday or ever again for that matter, ringing in sick, starting a new drug habit or killing myself.

Yeah I agree about the law firm, I hate fact I'm starting to dislike most people in general and have always prefered animals to human companionship. When someone notice you're more vulnerable or less able to protect yourself they take advantage without any signs of remorse. As the telephone counsellor said, it sounds like I was bullied and to a degree I was. Half of me is angry and the other half is dying in my anxiety hell. I'm thinking about death a lot right now. They don't know the burden they placed on someone with a mental disorder, something which is simple to them but for me feels quite over-whelming, makes the need for escape even if it's permanent almost essential.

They don't know I experience anxiety, they would never hire me if they did no matter what other people say.
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Old 04-12-12, 10:48 PM   #6
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although I know exactly what you feel I don't have a specific answer for you , if you think it's not necessary to go then why would you ? it's needless to put yourself in a bad situation and sweat so much over this when they obviously don't care , but if this is important for your career then you just go and try to be objective about the whole thing , like pretend you aren't you , you can be anyone but you are you because you feel your feelings , so let's say something bad happens to you , you don't take it personally because bad things happen to other people around you too and you stay strong ,, the last thing I have is that those people in your firm are just people like you , they aren't superior to you even if they think so they all eat and drink and shit so don't ever be scared of them even if they think you are inferior you should know you are not , don't give them the satisfaction of laughing at you , also someone once told me that we have the same amount of courage as we do fear so you must be pretty brave just pray that you do well and hope that everything is gonna be fine and set a plan .
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Old 05-09-12, 01:06 PM   #7
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I would like to try to help you but first I need you to answer these three questions as best you can:

1) Have you considered the possibility that your psychological state is almost entirely dependant on objective environmental factors which are largely outside of your control.

2) If so, have you considered the possibility that these objective environmental factors are NOT normal or healthy to human psychological health IN GENERAL?

3) If so, have you considered the possibility that these objective environmental factors are fundamental to, and manifestations of, a perticular social system?

Last edited by qpooqpoo; 05-09-12 at 01:10 PM.
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