Having an anxiety attack...
Tommorrow I see my therapist, the one I have decided to confront about refering me. I have to figure out how to get from my apt. to work, a one hour drive, in thirty minutes. Otherwise they will take away more of my hours and I am the only one working in the household right now.
My professor just posted online saying 'some students' arent meeting the syllabus or course expectations, that would be me. It is an internship and I have been going every week but I am not writing up my reports... which is bad because they are a big part of our grade. It is just that I work full time, taking 17 credit hours, had a break down, started getting therapy.... and they have not gotton done.
I dont want to make excuses for myself, but he says we need to 'talk about whats going on' with me. This is not my usual work... I am just worried that he wont let me keep doing it since I am handling it so bad. Plus I volunteer in a school and I wonder if they wont let me go back because I am depressed? (Might I say, I am absolutely no harm to the children... it's easy to be happy near kids and focus on my work... it is just when I am not there that I have problems... my therapist gave me the 'OK' to keep going.)
Just REALLY worried. It is my second to last semester and I feel like I am totally screwing myself over... but I dont know what else I would have done. The best thing I've done is go to therapy... maybe I should have gone sooner and it wouldnt be so bad. Really, there just hasnt been a good time. I am always between jobs, or working two jobs or three jobs and doing school work.... now supporting my boyfriend and myself on my biggest semester yet. My daughter would be three this year.... HOW TIME FLYS!
sigh... I feel so hopeless... part of me just wants to go in and say, 'Hey, I cant really handle it all. I've made up the work, I have the records that I have been going, I understand if you gotta fail me...." He is a teacher, a nice one but a professor, I dont want to unload my personal problems on him. The fact that I have so many issues relating to the abortion and having to find a place to live and manage my own affairs when I was 18 just seems to undermine my competence. Especially since I cant just say, 'but I am all together now.' For heaven's sake, I am falling apart.
Wish that this was one of those test classes that I could have just memorized the text book and taken my exam.... really... all I had to do was write these things up, why didnt I do it? Why didnt I just suck it up and do with a few more nights of 3hr sleep?
A complete failure,