I have just recently moved to California with my girlfriend for college. We (especially I) have been in a very happy relationship without any major problems for the last 2 years. We moved into some private dorms that were built in the 70's with dirty floors and paper thin walls. The last few days I have been smoking marijuana by myself and sometimes my girlfriend. When I have been getting high I feel as if the entire world is watching me or judging me or talking about it. I feel like I can hear everything these people are saying about me through these walls. Whether these people are my floormates or my girlfriends floormates. I know that the guy who lives next to me is very good with computers and networking so i stress over the fact he has hacked into my computer and webcam and watches what i do, reporting it just loud enough so I can hear it to his friends. Yesterday was the worst experience for me because the voices began talking about how my girlfriend had cheated on me with the guy next door and how she hates who I am and what I look like.
Even as I type this I cannot tell you for sure whether or not the voices were real people saying awful things, knowing I could hear them or just my mind playing on my emotions. (I have had a recent bout of extreme low self-esteem and have been self absorbed) The most far-fetched thing about the voices are the fact that one of them seems to know everything about me, all my secrets, all my shortcomings and whatnot. The voices are the loudest and the clearest when I am high but I can still hear them when I am sober although it sounds much softer and what they say isn't clear (I usually assume what they say or that they were talking about me).
I have confronted people about this but they just look at me like im crazy. When this happens Ijust think they are lying to my face but I won't further accuse them because I worry if I have just gone delusional. I thought about killing myself last night, thinking all the terrible things these people say about me are all true and that my life has been a lie with my girlfriend, that she hates me and loves to cheat on me and loads of other things which pertain to the reasons why I have low self esteem.
This morning I have promised myself to abstain from smoking weed but have an uneasy feeling in my stomach like everything the voices have said are true. I dont know where to go from here, I am still with my girlfriend and have told her about these "voices" and she thinks that I just an anxiety attack because of the pot. I'm not asking for a diagnosis but I am asking for your help and support. What can I do to gain my confidence and self-worth back? I have become extremely paranoid that people don't like me or are always trying to mess with me. I have thoughts that my girlfriend of two years flat out hates me. I can't walk by a mirror without staring at myself the entire time and hating what I see. I cannot feel comfortable around people because I cannot feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like there is nothing good about me anymore and I simply hate myself.
Please help me?