Today I was reaching out for help from someone who I usually don't. I don't because no matter what, she says something that is effecting her.
I understand why she does it though considering all I want to do is talk and have someone save me as well..
But yeah, whats bothering me today is my anxiety..Obviously. I hid from the world again as soon as possible. I disguised it well...? by using having to eat dinner and my parents as an excuse to just sit and watch TV. Told people I had to watch a movie with them..but in reality, it was my escape. I don't have to talk to my parents and usually during a movie I go blank. I just focus on the movie. All I've been longing for is a chance to not think, or atleast not about anything real or important..My mind feels like its vibrating.
What was causing me to be anxious was work. Constant delay after another..Nothing went right for me. I could tell people were getting mad at me and I couldn't do much about it. I hate big crowds too and today was busy..so that didn't help.
The only way I can stop myself from panicing is if I ignore all outside noises, sights and smells..Except for the ones that I have to notice..I'm like a robot. I show no emotion. Very rarely will someone see me truly show an emotion. I'm always showing a fake smile. The one thing that people would and probably do notice are my eyes. I know how they look when I'm in that state..They look lifeless. I feel insane..I hate feeling this way. I want it to stop but idk how. I try and do things that make me anxious to get used to it..I will admit not as hard as I should probably..But I still have made somesort of an effort..I'm just so weak that my I can't accomplish it..
I'm off to bed...I'll try something new tomorrow morning. Gonna work out a little considering I'm able to now. My weird pains have gone away and my spleen isn't swollen anymore.