I don't know what to even think anymore. It honestly feels like I might as well have a died about a year ago.
I cannot easily put into words how weird I have felt for nearly a year, it's hard to describe to people. But for those who understand what depersonalization is, you might have an idea. I've tried the depersonalization communities, I didn't find them particularly helpful or optimistic at all.
I'm so tired of feeling tormented within my own body, feeling so weird every single day. Feeling like I don't really exist, feeling like a ghost, feeling like everything around me is fake. Nothing is real, nobody is real. Just trying to push all of that to the back of my mind takes everything I've got, and that in turn is what it takes just to function. In the back of my mind remains the constant worry, the belief that I'm terminal and just haven't found what cancer I have, what disease I have that's slowing eating my body and mind.
For nearly a year, this constant interpersonal torment has gone on and on, never ceasing for more than a whole day at a time. There has been times when I thought I would succumb to it all, and there were times I thought for sure one day I'll beat this and I'll have my life back again. But no, it continues on and on. My mind continues on this vicious pattern again and again, jumping right back on course after any short distraction I manage. Nearly a full year of feeling tense, and not at ease every day of my life.
It's like my brain is in constant fight or flight, constant rumination. It won't accept peace. It just want's to keep cycling, keep me feeling detached from my body, keep me feeling detached from reality, keep me thinking, thinking, thinking. Is this the day I loose it all and gone insane? Is this the day I succumb to an unforeseen illness? Is this the day I realize that I've been doing this to myself all along? But no solutions are ever found. My quality of life is just nothing
anymore, it's gone. I used to feel like a normal person, a healthy person. I've been reduced to this, and I'll tell you it's no way for a person to live. It really isn't. The memories of the person I was before, and who I am now are two very different things.
I really don't know where to turn next, but I can't go on like this forever. I can't afford a million dollar work up, and I've been very reluctant to get on antidepressants. I've never taken a drug in my life, and I never wanted to start so early. But there's this thought that I have, that maybe I really am simply depressed. I've always rejected the notion, but maybe it's true. Maybe everybody experiences depression in their own way... or maybe it's GID, I just don't know. I don't know what to do, but I need to try something.