Just something I had been giving thought to the last day or so. I'm not on the verge of doing it, but I was just thinking about what committing myself to a hospital could mean.
I've never tried suicide, don't think I'm an immediate threat to myself (at this moment), and have never been diagnosed with anything beyond depression. But my view on everything in life has always been so bad. I've come close to giving up any hope that I could have any true impact on the world. I feel like the biggest failure in the family. I can't think of any job that I'd really want to do, and very few that wouldn't make me gag. I have no skills, no ability to do anything exceptional. No hope of getting a college degree. While I hope to try and self educate myself a bit more, the fact of the matter is I never do. My attention span is horrible and I'm too busy wasting my life and money on vices like food, internet, porn, etc. I keeping "wishing" I knew moe about the world, but am just caught up in my own empty bubble to really know what is out there. I hate socializing, but always feel alone. I'm cynical of anything and everything. Everything that controls our society is of virtually no interest to me. My meds haven't worked.
In a nutshell, I have no desire for anything in the world, but still feel empty. I guess my thought was doing this would effectively be me rejecting everything in society. I honestly can't think of much I would miss if i did go away for awhile. Materiel things disgust me for the most part anyway. I would allow me to live in my own world where all I had to focus on was what was going on inside my head. I know that's what I SHOULD be doing right now, but for the reasons I stated above, I simply don't see how that's possible. I've always been this cynical and hopeless and don't see any reason, or feel any reason to change. I might need something drastic to truly
allow myself to take a look in the mirror.
Plus, it would fit right in with my proud tradition of making things seem worse than they are, then reacting to them in a negative way, based on that notion.