Hi, this is my very fist post on this forum, and I'm hoping you'll be able to help me, give an advice, or just to understand me. Here comes my story:
I'm 17, and my mother is one crazy woman. I felt guilty couple mouths ago when I wished she was dead. Now I don't. His constant terror over me made me so cold and kinda depressed. Even at moment of writing this she's standing over my head yelling and screaming about me spending too much time on computer (but I actually sit 2 - 2.5 hour on computer during the day). I got used to my mother, but still i can't find a way to define her behavior, so I'm just gonna say some examples of her treatment to me.
All my friends can go out for like couple hours, and all of them gotta be home till 3am (Fridays and Saturdays). But, thanks to her I have to be home by 23pm. And if I'm just a minute late she'll scream at me and sometimes even hit me. Do you know how it feels when all of your friends are going out at the time when you have to be home. I'm ain't no chauvinists but girls can be out till like 3am. I remember when I was like 13, my "going out" was till 8pm. And I came home five minutes later, my mother took a belt and hit me couple of times over my torso, I had to go to see a doctor.
She is a freaking maniac and she need to control my every step, it's like living in high power jail!I can't go to my friends house for like ten minutes without her asking what I'm gonna do there etc. It's normal for a parent to know what is his child doing, but I'm 17 and she acts like I''m in penitentiary.
When she comes home I don't know will she yell, and for what, or she's gonna take something and try to hit me with that (once she threw a trash can on me - but she missed). She doesn't hesitate to hit me with a belt, with a stick, it doesn't matter to her. Once she took my keyboard and smashed it. She is taking my cell phone from me, so as my computer, she grounds me etc. I became immune on that, but it still hurts though.
I remember when I was 12, and I had a birthday party. She came and hit me in the face and threw all my friends out, cause she had a problem with a "very loud music".
She loves to disparage me in public or privately. When we go to our cousins she tells me what I can say and when. She is shutting me up when I speak, yelling at me etc. She’s not letting me to talk to them, and when she does she’s asking questions what I spoke to them.
I'm so depressed and lonely with her. I have a lot of friends, but you know what I mean. I don't know, but I think it's not normal for a 17 years old boy to cry over his life full of misery because of her mother.
I'm afraid I'm gonna kill her. Not so long ago she was just about to beat me, and I grab her hands and it was like a second that pushed me back, otherwise, she would be dead now.
I'm almost straight A student, one of the best in my generation (at my school). But she's always yelling about me not learning enough etc. She says that my friends are having bad influence on me, but they're not. They are all good guys that I know for years (so as she). In her opinion I'm too stupid to go out, to have friends, or do/have anything else. I didn't get her support for anything I ever tried. And everything I do has to be "undercover" because she's a freaking control freak and she despise my been!
I think for myself I'm a good boy, student (I don't smoke, drink, smoke pot, I'm an excellent student...), but it's not enough for her. Her life is miserable, so she wants to destroy mine. And I'm helpless.
I tried to talk to her, didn't help. I argue and fight back when she yelled, didn't help too. My family tried to talk to her, and she just yell at them and send them to hell.
She's also screaming at my dad, so he's forced to go out, sometimes for couple of hours just not to be with her, and when he gets back she continues with her screaming session! He's helpless too.
My "mother" is constantly doing everything in my contra! She's insulting me, yelling, not letting go out, everything. It's not normal for anyone to wish his mother is dead, but I do. I want her dead. And there's nothing I can do about it. Either to help myself, or anything... I don’t feel a bit a guilt about my wishes for her.
Right now, my brother gave me an advice: try to ignore her, and avoid conflicting her. And it kinda helps. Didn't improved my situation though, but my nerves are less stressed (but she’s also yelling, but she stops after half an hour, before she knew to scream in the same rhythm for an hour or more).
I was a swimmer for like two years, and I developed a nice musculature. But my club fell apart, so I had to stop with it. I gain a little fat on my belly so I'm trying to loss it, and I want to go to the gym. My mother told me I'm insane, that I'm too fat and too weak (lol) to do something like that. So I have to go undercover, cause if she finds out, I'm basically a dead man. She says I have a terrible body (except for the belly, I really don't) so she's making fun of my how I can't go to the pool, or take my shirt off etc. She actually spitted at me once. And, not to mention that she's saying it on daily base how she's unhappy for having me, that it would be better for her that she never give me born etc.
And one more example of her abusive behavior. Couple of days ago some guys and girls from my class planned to have a field trip for some of us that are hanging out regardless to school. It was supposed to be one day trip on one of beaches near my city, and we planned to get back by night. When I mention that suggestion to my mother, and when I asked for the permission to go, she screamed and yelled at me, and he said there's on way she would let me to go out with them (there's really no reason for that, it's just her sick mind). Of course, then she started with threats, like she's gonna ground me etc. All of my mates can go to this trip, except me.
To be honest, I don't know how will I take it ‘till I'm 18. I think I'll go crazy, or I'll kill her, or something... I just don't know. She made my life a living hell. Its not a life anymore, it's an everyday struggle.
She has no friends, she has no one, no one loves her, everyone is avoiding her, or afraid of her, so she needs a spot to torture someone and cure her frustrations (so I'm a perfect target). She's a sadist, and I don't know how much more I can take it from her. Please, help me. I'm desperate.
P.S Sorry for my my bad English.