Scared of depression
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Scared of depression

This is a discussion on Scared of depression within the Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Hello. I'm a 20 year old girl and I'm wondering if I'm suffering from depression. I was abused by me ...

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Old 07-02-11, 12:49 AM   #1
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Default Scared of depression

Hello. I'm a 20 year old girl and I'm wondering if I'm suffering from depression.

I was abused by me father when I was young. My father who has a very short temper ans is very agressive. I lived fearing him my whole life, since for him being feared represents respect. My mother didn't help either, she would always threaten to tell him if I did something that she didn't like, even silly little things. Therefore, I always was a quiet girl, I always worked hard in school, always was the first in my class, because otherwise, there would be consequences.

The last time he hit me, I was 16 years old. When my mom was helping me hide the bruises because I had to go out with my friends, I told her that he never said he was sorry for what he does to me, not even once, she told me to let it go, that he's my father, that he has anger problems so he'll never change but he loves me nevertheless.
After graduating highschool, I got in a very good university and things changed. My parents were both proud, but something was off with me. I think my father keeps trying to make it up to me by never refusing me anything, but money doesn't matter to me, and it wouldn't erase what happened.
Even though my dad never apologized, I decided to let it go and forgive him, otherwise it would eat me inside.*

Like I said, I felt that something was wrong with me, since I was 16. Before that, I used to be a very shy girl, very skinny that people thought I was anorexic, but it was just that I didn't have a big appetite. Afterwards, things kind of changed. I began to hang out with the popular kids, therefore becoming one of them, I gave the impression that I am a confident woman even though I'm still that shy, scared girl that's constanly doubting herself, I also gained weight very quickly (before I was like 100 pounds, now I'm 130 and 5.7).

My biggest issue is that I have problems when it comes to opening up. Even the people whom I was very close to didn't know about my past. My friends say that I'm very optimistic, I smile all the time, anyone who has a problem comes to me, because they say that I know how to comfort people, that I always know what to say, that my strenght inspires them. The truth is that I am a weak person, no one sees that it's a fake facade that I built. I was betrayed by three people in my life (All of them were my BFF through the years), my mum keeps throwing that in my face saying that I deserve it, she also reminds me when we fight that I'm a very weak person, that I cry for the stupidest things. I am a very sensitive person, and I do my hardest not to show it.

This past year has been really hard for me. I recently lost a member of my family who was really young and that I loved so much. The two months after her death, I went to the ER 3 times because of panic attacks. I still break down every time I think of her, but it is not as bad as before.

I had a set back these last months. My studies require a lot of hard work and I had a lot of projects to do. I also had to be prepared for my finals so things got out of hand. I stopped eating and sleeping, and one night I woke up feeling really dizzy and I couldn't stop dry heaving. The doctor told me to take it easy, that the stress is bad for my health as well as my lack of alimentation. In the same week, I had to go back to the ER two times for the same reason. Except that the last time, the doctor gave me some lysanxia. It really helped me, but a friend of mine told me that it was addictive so I stopped taking it.

I'm now on my summer holiday, a period I'm not very fond of. It means that everyone would be travelling and school is over so I wouldn't see some of my friends plus there's nothing distracting me. The worse is that I think I have thermophobia. I'm really afraid of going out when it's hot outside, and I spend most my nights crying my eyes out, having trouble breathing and being on the verge of another panic attack. I also began taking some lysanxia again, but it doesn't affect me anymore... So I feel anxious all the time.

I'm really sorry if it's too long but I had to get this off my chest. I just want to know if therapy would help me, because my lack of confidence is stopping me from living my life, I keep thinking that I'm not good enough,*that I will never be and I feel like I'm dying inside. I am scared of being too messed up and that it's too late for me. I hate the fact that I have trouble trusting people, I feel like I'm barely hanging there...

What helps me keep going is thinking that some people have it worse than me, that I should just ignore those feelings and move on with my life... But sometimes I can't help but feeling scared, like this is just the beginning and it's going to get worse.

Please help me, I really don't know what to do to stop this.
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Old 07-02-11, 01:32 AM   #2
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Hey how ya doin. I'm not in a great place myself either right now, but I will say that if you are concerned. Definitely talk to a doctor about it. BE HONEST. Can't stress that enough. If your not honest, they won't be able to help you fully.

Also, it sounds like you've had a pretty hard going in your life so far. I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from someone over the internet, but I do feel for you
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Old 07-05-11, 04:01 AM   #3
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You sound almost exactly like me. From your story, yes I'd say you are suffering depression.

Pretty much the same story as mine. My father beat the living hell out of me (some scars I still bare), until I move out of his house as a teen. My mother wasn't physically abusive, but mental abuse was another story. I too forgave my father, even though he never forgave me, but a part of me will probably never fully forgive him.

I have had massive issues with self confidence and self loathing most of my life (parents almost certainly being the root of that). I have issues with anxiety and the occasional panic attack. I have plenty of friends and people I know often come to me for help because external I seem strong and confident, but inside I am a weak individual.

Personally, medication and therapy failed to do much for me, so I've tried as best as I can to manage the feelings on my own. Not saying you shouldn't explore those routes though. Seeing some sort of professional may help you.

Your story sounds so similar to mine, so I can say quite confidently that the things you feel insecure about, whatever they may be, are almost certainly unfounded. I know with myself that most of my insecurities, and most of the things that make me avoid being adventurous are based on nothing but my upbringing.

When it came to myself, when I was tired of just hating me every second of the day, I just sat down and made a list. Made a list of what bothered me. Whether or not those things were really important, or if they were, how could I fix them. But I also listed what was good about myself e.g being able to make people laugh, hard worker. I just took an objective view of my life and who I was. Yourself for instance, you study hard which lead you to getting into a high level uni. Not everyone can say that, and keeping on that track means you'll be very successful in life.

I could see then that alot of the issues I had in my life were really just little issues I grouped together and made them seem bigger than they were. Making mountains out of mole hills as it were.

In no way did it cure my depression and I am far from being rid of it, but when I do sink into those spirals, I try as best to remind myself of what I have going for me. And as my social anxieties. Its not so much that I force myself to be social, I just sort of ignore those voices telling me that I'm not good enough. When someone I don't know starts talking to me, I normally get a feeling of extreme insecurity, but I just sort of suppress it and ignore it, knowing that those insecurities aren't based on anything and I have never actually had any experiences to validate my insecurities either (besides my parents).

And as for the uni work getting you stressed out, I more than understand that. I at one time can have 4 or so assignments, plus tests, plus 20 hours of study per week. Can be very hard to manage. For that, its best to try and set up some sort of a schedule. Allocate certain times to certain things and have times free, in case you are unable to do what you were supposed to do in that time.

Making a schedule is particularly useful for studying. Before having a schedule, my study was sort of all over the place, but once I organized my study time, I focused more and had more free time. Help alleviate some of the uni stress.

Don't know if any of this is helpful to you. Best of luck to you though.
"When you reach the heart of life you shall find beauty in all things, even in the eyes that are blind to beauty"
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Old 07-05-11, 04:52 AM   #4
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hey lily My story is very similar to yours, of four parents and stepparents three were alcoholics and abusive.

I would really encourage you to get therapy from a psychologist who is experienced in working with chronic trauma, and cbt, it will help the anxiety and the depression. get it now while you're young, you can get better with the right treatment. I waited till I was very suicidal to finally go to therapy, best decision I ever made! But it took me seeing a few till I got the right one.

People who love you don't hurt you, physically or emotionally, and they don't ignore it when their children are being hurt. I'm sorry for what happened to you, please know it wasn't your fault and it's only natural that you have trouble opening up when your parents were not safe to open up too.
You deserve to get well and it's possible, take care
“Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently"

"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread." J.R.R. Tolkien
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Old 07-17-11, 04:26 PM   #5
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Thank you so much for you replies, I'm sorry it took me too long to respond but it really means so much to me since it's the first time that I talked about this.

I recently told my doctor about my lack of confidence issues, she asked me if I intend to do something about it. I told her that I'm considering therapy and she said that it was probably a good idea.

The thing is that I discovered that I have heart diseases... So I have a few exams to do. I'm gonna concentrate on this illness first then I'm gonna look for a therapist ASAP, before going back to school.

Thank you again, and I wish every one of you the best.
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Old 07-19-11, 10:04 AM   #6
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Lilly, let us know how things are going.

I believe you are strong person, thats why you are able to deal with all that and still able to comfort people. I feel emotionally empty, and i can't even comfort people
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