Hello. I'm a 20 year old girl and I'm wondering if I'm suffering from depression.
I was abused by me father when I was young. My father who has a very short temper ans is very agressive. I lived fearing him my whole life, since for him being feared represents respect. My mother didn't help either, she would always threaten to tell him if I did something that she didn't like, even silly little things. Therefore, I always was a quiet girl, I always worked hard in school, always was the first in my class, because otherwise, there would be consequences.
The last time he hit me, I was 16 years old. When my mom was helping me hide the bruises because I had to go out with my friends, I told her that he never said he was sorry for what he does to me, not even once, she told me to let it go, that he's my father, that he has anger problems so he'll never change but he loves me nevertheless.
After graduating highschool, I got in a very good university and things changed. My parents were both proud, but something was off with me. I think my father keeps trying to make it up to me by never refusing me anything, but money doesn't matter to me, and it wouldn't erase what happened.
Even though my dad never apologized, I decided to let it go and forgive him, otherwise it would eat me inside.*
Like I said, I felt that something was wrong with me, since I was 16. Before that, I used to be a very shy girl, very skinny that people thought I was anorexic, but it was just that I didn't have a big appetite. Afterwards, things kind of changed. I began to hang out with the popular kids, therefore becoming one of them, I gave the impression that I am a confident woman even though I'm still that shy, scared girl that's constanly doubting herself, I also gained weight very quickly (before I was like 100 pounds, now I'm 130 and 5.7).
My biggest issue is that I have problems when it comes to opening up. Even the people whom I was very close to didn't know about my past. My friends say that I'm very optimistic, I smile all the time, anyone who has a problem comes to me, because they say that I know how to comfort people, that I always know what to say, that my strenght inspires them. The truth is that I am a weak person, no one sees that it's a fake facade that I built. I was betrayed by three people in my life (All of them were my BFF through the years), my mum keeps throwing that in my face saying that I deserve it, she also reminds me when we fight that I'm a very weak person, that I cry for the stupidest things. I am a very sensitive person, and I do my hardest not to show it.
This past year has been really hard for me. I recently lost a member of my family who was really young and that I loved so much. The two months after her death, I went to the ER 3 times because of panic attacks. I still break down every time I think of her, but it is not as bad as before.
I had a set back these last months. My studies require a lot of hard work and I had a lot of projects to do. I also had to be prepared for my finals so things got out of hand. I stopped eating and sleeping, and one night I woke up feeling really dizzy and I couldn't stop dry heaving. The doctor told me to take it easy, that the stress is bad for my health as well as my lack of alimentation. In the same week, I had to go back to the ER two times for the same reason. Except that the last time, the doctor gave me some lysanxia. It really helped me, but a friend of mine told me that it was addictive so I stopped taking it.
I'm now on my summer holiday, a period I'm not very fond of. It means that everyone would be travelling and school is over so I wouldn't see some of my friends plus there's nothing distracting me. The worse is that I think I have thermophobia. I'm really afraid of going out when it's hot outside, and I spend most my nights crying my eyes out, having trouble breathing and being on the verge of another panic attack. I also began taking some lysanxia again, but it doesn't affect me anymore... So I feel anxious all the time.
I'm really sorry if it's too long but I had to get this off my chest. I just want to know if therapy would help me, because my lack of confidence is stopping me from living my life, I keep thinking that I'm not good enough,*that I will never be and I feel like I'm dying inside. I am scared of being too messed up and that it's too late for me. I hate the fact that I have trouble trusting people, I feel like I'm barely hanging there...
What helps me keep going is thinking that some people have it worse than me, that I should just ignore those feelings and move on with my life... But sometimes I can't help but feeling scared, like this is just the beginning and it's going to get worse.
Please help me, I really don't know what to do to stop this.