I was born premature and a heroine addicted baby. My mother was a crack head, among many other things. I have lots of hatred to her, and everyone else. Sometimes I wish she would have got a abortion, because she fucked something up in my head really bad, but I can get into that later. Well When I was born I was addicted to heroine so, the court made me stay in the hospital for awhile. The court said she was a suitable mother, so they handed me over to her. She began to get back into drugs, and eventually she started to abuse me, she most preferred a beaded belt, and he fist. That was something I got to look forward to everyday. Eventually she was running out of money to support her habit. she began to start prostitution, did not know what sex was at that age, but that's to be expected, I suppose. So I got to sit there while she worked, sometimes she gave me dope, why I don't know why.. Not like I knew what it was. Eventually the court found out what she was doing, and they put me in this shelter, but it was not a shelter it was a hell. People there were mean, not all but some, most kids were mean, most staff members were mean, I remember sense I had "emotional problems" they really did not have time to deal with me, but thats to be expected in a place full of other people who have needs as well. I remember being locked in the room with nothing in it just cold floor and it was pitch black, and when they could not deal with me they just put me in there and locked it. It was almost like a solitary confinement. Eventually at the age of 8 I got adopted by this lady, and she put me in therapy, and I realized at a early age in order for me to be normal I have to hide my feelings from everyone. Which totally fucked me over right now, because now I can't let anyone in, which means I don't want to make new friends, I could care less, I am now ignoring all the friends I made in high school. Yes you can say you can let people in just talk, I'm not fucking stupid, it's harder then it seems. I seemed to just recently lost interest in everything. O yea I graduated high school, and the lady who adopted me thinks I'm perfect, but I'm not, the feelings that I kept inside are killing me slowly... I moved out, and got a roommate. Did i mention ye that the lady who adopted me has cancer? Well she does, and now she will be dead before Christmas. Please don't say well thats just what the doctors say, no she stopped going to treatment, and she accepted the fact she will be dead soon. It's quite selfish of her really, Does she not realize what this is doing to me? I will get to look forward to all Christmas's and birthdays to myself. I have no one, I'm a hopeless case really. O I lost contact with her to she moved to Florida and I remained here. So not like I will see her on her last few months. I really don't know why I try, it's pointless I need medication or something I'm messed up in the head! I think thoughts that "normal" people should not be thinking.. I think I might be Bi-polar or have the early symptoms of schizophrenia, but that could just be me being paranoid, I don't have medical insurance, so I can't get help. I'm lost confused alone, everyone hates me, I hate everyone. No one understands me, or my point of views on anything. Please don't say you don't hate me, you have not talked to me yet, or I'm sure you would hate me. Everyone thinks I'm some happy kid, but I'm not everyones killing me. O yea I recently got into self abuse, I started burning myself.. Yea I'm fucked up. I started with just chemical burns, but moved on to other ways... I don't know if anyone can help me, I randomly get depressed, I get randomly angry, or can be extremely hyper. I really need to just die. I am the most alone person ever, and nothing I can do will change, no one likes depressed people, no one likes me, but it's okay I accepted that fact all ready. well thanks for listening.