My miserable life's story
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My miserable life's story

This is a discussion on My miserable life's story within the Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Howdy all. This is my first post here, felt like I needed to get some stuff off my chest. Bear ...

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Old 03-15-10, 12:06 AM   #1
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Howdy all. This is my first post here, felt like I needed to get some stuff off my chest. Bear with me, this is going to be long and rambling - I usually don't write like this. Or much at all, for that matter.

Growing up in an abusive household ... well, it kinda sucks. It would seem to me that the most important thing that a child needs when they're growing up is to feel loved by their parents. I sure didn't get that, and it's left me damaged as a result. It's not as if my parents told me that they didn't love me, or that I was a mistake or anything overt like that. Mostly it was through their actions or inaction that it was made clear that I was unwanted.

The abuse that I had to endure was mostly psychological. Although there was some physical abuse going on, it was relatively minor by comparison not to suggest that getting smacked around is minor, it just did comparatively little damage when measured next to years of being belittled, humiliated and intimidated. My family, to put it in a nutshell, weren't very nice people.

My sister is nearly 2 years older than me, and until I started to hit my growth spurts she was quite a bit bigger and stronger than me. Embarrassing for a guy to be beaten up on by a girl, but at least that subsided by the time I was 10 or so. Afterward, she was mostly just plain mean. We get along a lot better now that we're on opposite sides of the continent.

My mother was emotionally distant so much so, in fact, that it seemed as if we could spend an entire week hardly saying two sentences to each other. To this day when we talk on the phone it's about nothing of importance. It's as if she didn't give a rat's ass about being an involved parent. My guess is that she suffers from depression like I do. I try not to judge too harshly.

My father, however, is a real piece of work. Tyrannical asshole writ large, this one - and for whom I reserve most of my anger and hatred, at least the parts not directed at myself. I don't know (or indeed care) whether it was anger management issues, if he was abused himself, or if he actually thought being cruel would help straighten me out, but his unremitting hostility and lack of compassion have virtually broken me.

As a result of years of this, I suffer from treatment resistant depression and avoidant personality disorder. I'm in my mid-30s, and my life accomplishments include:

-dropping out of college twice due to an utter lack of ambition
-multiple suicide attempts until I realized I was too much of a coward to go through with it
-having no friends, or alienating the few I've ever had
-never having a romantic relationship last more than 4 months before she decides she can't stand me
-a string of lousy, unfulfilling jobs

Of course, I've sought help for this, but the help really hasn't helped that much. The depression is treatment resistant, after all. Most antidepressants I've been on either don't do anything, or their effects wear off in about 6 months. As for psychotherapy, I've tried it and it was worse than useless, as my insurance didn't cover it and I got seriously in debt to a collection agency. Good times. I've decided I'm going to give it another try once the meds I'm on now start to kick in and I can think that there's hope for my future. In the meantime, I just have to wait.

I hate waiting. I've been doing it my entire life.
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Old 03-15-10, 12:09 AM   #2
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Well coming here is something new!
Welcome!
((((HUGS))))
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Old 04-27-10, 09:16 AM   #3
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Really scary to read this as I've gone through all of the same stuff except the physical side of it, which I certainly don't minimize. I don't know if I could have dealt with physical abuse on top of all the emotional stuff.

It's just sad that people have to go through this sort of stuff. The question becomes how to overcome it. A battle that I'm trying to fight right now myself. I've been trying a few things with limited success. It's soo hard to keep a positive outlook on life. I'm already "hitting the wall" and having trouble exercising regularly and eating right, two things I'm trying to stay on top of to at least minimize my horrible feelings.

For some reason reading this thread has encouraged me and made me realize that I'm not the only one who has had to go through tough times. I'm glad you shared your story OP, and I really feel for you. Just knowing that you're not the only one helps in some strange way.
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Old 05-27-10, 01:23 PM   #4
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Default Ugly. Fat. Boring. Lazy. Stupid.

I've been contemplating starting another thread, this time in self-esteem, but since this thread is already here and details much of my issues, I figured it might as well go here.

The subtitle pretty much sums up how I see myself.

Ugly. When I look in the mirror, I don't see anything more or less than my face. I don't think I'm ugly, I call myself ugly based on the evidence: women seldom give me a first glance, let alone a second. I don't know what it is that makes me so unappealing, but people's reactions have led me to this as an obvious conclusion.

Fat. Well, this one is easy, and probably influences the being unappealing. Basically, I don't stay in shape and have put on quite a few extra pounds. I've seldom been in decent shape throughout my life - I've tried to get into exercising regularly, but always get exhausted quickly and eventually get discouraged.

Boring. Probably another reason I have no friends, but this one actually requires people to get to know me a bit. I'm way too quiet, and have little of interest to talk about. Kind of a vicious cycle: I have nothing going on in my life, so no-one wants to spend time with me, so nothing continues to happen in my life.

Lazy. My worst character flaw. Comes from being so miserably depressed that I really can't see the point in anything: no joy, no motivation, no incentive no action. I've long since given up on wanting anything out of life.

Stupid. People usually consider me fairly intelligent, and in certain ways I am. I have the ability to memorize a great deal of. information, but my ability to apply or analyze said information is sadly lacking. I tend to be pretty clueless sometimes. Most times, really.

So. Put together, these wonderful traits paint a picture of your basic loser - someone who is not only a miserably unpleasant asshole, but an honest-to-goodness waste of life. One that should never have been born in the first place.

My parents made a horrible mistake in deciding to have a second child. I don't know what they hoped to accomplish, but if they expected me to grow up to be healthy and well-adjusted, well, I just don't think they were successful.

Me: worthless loser.
My life: pointless, empty.
My future: bleak, hopeless.

I'd kill myself except that, as I mentioned in my original post, I'm too much of a coward, and lack the willpower necessary to override my survival instinct.

So what's left for me?

I'm just running out the clock, going through the motions until my body gives out. Unfortunately, my family tends to be long lived. I can probably expect to live another 40-50 years, unless I get cancer or I'm killed in a car wreck. Let's hope.
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