Howdy all. This is my first post here, felt like I needed to get some stuff off my chest. Bear with me, this is going to be long and rambling - I usually don't write like this. Or much at all, for that matter.
Growing up in an abusive household ... well, it kinda sucks. It would seem to me that the most important thing that a child needs when they're growing up is to feel loved by their parents. I sure didn't get that, and it's left me damaged as a result. It's not as if my parents told me that they didn't love me, or that I was a mistake or anything overt like that. Mostly it was through their actions or inaction that it was made clear that I was unwanted.
The abuse that I had to endure was mostly psychological. Although there was some physical abuse going on, it was relatively minor by comparison – not to suggest that getting smacked around is minor, it just did comparatively little damage when measured next to years of being belittled, humiliated and intimidated. My family, to put it in a nutshell, weren't very nice people.
My sister is nearly 2 years older than me, and until I started to hit my growth spurts she was quite a bit bigger and stronger than me. Embarrassing for a guy to be beaten up on by a girl, but at least that subsided by the time I was 10 or so. Afterward, she was mostly just plain mean. We get along a lot better now that we're on opposite sides of the continent.
My mother was emotionally distant – so much so, in fact, that it seemed as if we could spend an entire week hardly saying two sentences to each other. To this day when we talk on the phone it's about nothing of importance. It's as if she didn't give a rat's ass about being an involved parent. My guess is that she suffers from depression like I do. I try not to judge too harshly.
My father, however, is a real piece of work. Tyrannical asshole writ large, this one - and for whom I reserve most of my anger and hatred, at least the parts not directed at myself. I don't know (or indeed care) whether it was anger management issues, if he was abused himself, or if he actually thought being cruel would help straighten me out, but his unremitting hostility and lack of compassion have virtually broken me.
As a result of years of this, I suffer from treatment resistant depression and avoidant personality disorder. I'm in my mid-30s, and my life accomplishments include:
-dropping out of college twice due to an utter lack of ambition
-multiple suicide attempts until I realized I was too much of a coward to go through with it
-having no friends, or alienating the few I've ever had
-never having a romantic relationship last more than 4 months before she decides she can't stand me
-a string of lousy, unfulfilling jobs
Of course, I've sought help for this, but the help really hasn't helped that much. The depression is treatment resistant, after all. Most antidepressants I've been on either don't do anything, or their effects wear off in about 6 months. As for psychotherapy, I've tried it and it was worse than useless, as my insurance didn't cover it and I got seriously in debt to a collection agency. Good times. I've decided I'm going to give it another try once the meds I'm on now start to kick in and I can think that there's hope for my future. In the meantime, I just have to wait.
I hate waiting. I've been doing it my entire life.