I think it's time to admit this now......i'm depressed.
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I think it's time to admit this now......i'm depressed.

This is a discussion on I think it's time to admit this now......i'm depressed. within the Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Hi there Please don't feel obliged to read or respond to this. I suppose I have very few people I ...

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Old 04-28-11, 05:03 PM   #1
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Default I think it's time to admit this now......i'm depressed.

Hi there

Please don't feel obliged to read or respond to this. I suppose I have very few people I can talk to. I've always been a bit of a loner (purely by choice) and keep my feelings private. So...tonight, I just need a release, somewhere to type down my feelings as I'm hoping it'll make me feel better.

Ok...here goes.

I've just quit smoking and have developed major depression...well, depressive episodes as a result of some pretty bad experiences. Smoking/ nicotine has prevented these episodes from appearing in the past (scientifically proven) and now I feel I'm trying to cope with everything all at once.

It all starts with my childhood. If I'm honest, it was horrific. Truly, truly horrific. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My parents separated when I was around 4, me and my two siblings lived with my mother but remained in touch with my father. My mother was an aggressive, abusive person with a drink problem. I can honestly say that from as young as I can remember, to when I finally escpaed at the age of 19.5, most evenings (which was when she used to drink her very strong lager) I was abused, bullied, beaten and mentally tortured by my mum. I mean, we're talking serious stuff here- every night. Every night. She would drink and go through stages. Stage 1 was tipsy/happy, stage 2 - slightly argumentative and irritable, stage 3 - angry, bullying, aggressive and threatening and stage 4 - really drunk, tired and crashing out. Every night. Sorry, repeating myself here. You're probably very bored now, reader!
Anyway- she would pick on me constantly, never let me do homework or school work. When friends/boys used to call she would swear and shout at them, embarrass me and try scare them away. She would never allow anyone to come round and never drop me off anywhere as it meant she couldn't drink (we lived in a very isolated area, an hours walk along a 60mph road to get anywhere near my school friends. None of my school friends lived anywhere near me...explains why I'm a loner now perhaps? I suppose I just got used to it). So, she would follow me around the house, bullying me, picking on me. When I used to lock myself in my room, she would happily spend her whole night trying to barge the door down, as long as she had her booze for company.
So...it gets worse. (I have A LOT of guilt/shame about this bit!) When I was 13, developing into a young lady, I discovered I was attracting attention from the opposite sex. I quickly realised that I could use men to 'save me' or give me a temporary escape from my abusive mother. So...that's what I did...use men. I slept around, slept with married men, had affairs, did EVERYTHING I could to get a man who would be willing to let me stay at his house so I could get away from my mother. At the age of 13, when my main focus should have been school work, fun and friends, my main focus in life was to attract men, seduce them so I didn't have to go home. I'm so...ashamed of myself. I appreciate I was responsible for my own behaviour. I did it. But...I'm SO ANGRY that, from the age of 13, I was...forced in a way to do that. Back then, I felt it was the only thing I could do. Really. It was. My friends didn't know how desperate I was, my asshole father didn't care and my siblings were...well, one older one was like my mother...a bully. So, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to protect my younger sibling.
Anyway- I'm also upset about...thinking back...I know, I'm certain, that some of these men (some over 30 years older than me at the time) knew I was a vulnerable kid...but they still had their way with me. I remember one guy, after pleasing himself, actually said to me, 'you need help'. He didn't help me though. No-one did.
Why did I do it? Quite simpy - because I didn't want to go home and be abused by my mother. Also, I suppose I was looking for someone to truly love me and to rescue me. Of course, the men weren't interested in that. They only wanted one thing...I can't blame them really, it was what I offered them, after all.
So....this continued until I escaped at the age of 19. God knows how, I did well...school/uni and career. When I escaped from home, me and my mother even got on. We never talked about what happened. She died a few years back from cancer...lost her very quickly. We still hadn't talked about what happened and why she did this to me. (Sigh)
Over the years...the experience of childhood has left me quite a vulnerable person. For example- I've always been scared to be on my own. I don't know why. I'm good looking, financially secure, own house, good career, well respected.....but I've always been scared to be alone...until now I suppose. This, fearing being alone, has made me pick the most awful, horrible men including 3 women-beaters. Two were horrific experiences. One nearly killed me. I finished with that one two years ago but the memories still haunt me today. I'm so angry at him for hurting me. I am consumed with negative, scary thoughts about this man. I have...sick thoughts of revenge...what I would/could do to him and his family. Of course, I never would...but I shouldn't be thinking this way.
I'm with a nice guy now. As soon as I left the woman-abuser, I ran straight into the arms of another guy (so predictable). But...he turned out lovely. He's really nice. However, I think things are very 'rocky'. It seems I'm going to mess everything up because of this depression.
I'm a nightmare to be around. The slightest thing, row, arguement upsets me to the point I stay in the bedroom all night crying. I'm irritable, I'm mean, I'm moody. In fact, I can't stand to be around anyone, apart from him. I don't know what to do here...antidepressants? Counselling? Be single? At least being single would mean I wouldn't hurt/upset my boyfriend anymore.
I'm also thinking .... I'm annoyed at myself for always having a man. Should I finish this one just so I can be on my own?? Also....the depression is making me question whether I love this guy, whether I want a future with him. Oh lord...I'm so, so, so unhappy. I can't tell you how much.
There are another 100000 bad experiences I've had, however, I can't talk about those right now.
If you've lasted the message...thank you for reading. I assume you're on here too because you're suffering- I really hope you get well soon. Angeldust xxx
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Old 04-28-11, 07:53 PM   #2
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Dear angeldust, my name is A. I read everything here and you are right at the end, I googled admitting depression and I found your thread. I'm so glad to find your thread because I can relate to it a lot. I feel like I'm going down the same path as you, I am throwing my self towards men as an escape from personal problems... I am glad you admitted it to SOMEONE at least. Keeping it bottled up will make you angry towards people you love.

Your new lover sounds like he cares about you a lot. If he's stuck with you till this point with your mood swings, it sounds like he can handle your truth. Sit down with your lover and tell him everything.

Have you thought about traveling? Taking walks every evening?

Thanks so much for posting this, I'm going to post up my own story now. Feel free to read it thanks...
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Old 04-29-11, 11:12 AM   #3
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Angeldust. My heart goes out to you. I know what it is like to suffer abuse (mine was sexual) and to turn to hypersexual activities to compensate for it. I wish those evils had never come to you, I wish someone at some time would have offered you help instead of heaping more abuse on you. Its a sick wrold. I know, for I have been part of the sickness. I want you to know you are not alone, and you never have to feel alone again. Im here for you, we all are.

Rick
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Old 05-01-11, 04:20 AM   #4
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Hi, A- thank you so much for your reply...really. Its so nice to hear from someone who understands and who doesn't judge. I am so sorry you're going through this too. I will most certainly read your story when I'm back near my laptop (replying here by my mobile, but not so easy to operate through the site on it). Thanks so much again. Talk soon xx
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Old 05-01-11, 04:28 AM   #5
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Rick- thank you. I am so sorry to read what you went through...oh gosh, that's so bad.
How you can leave me a message of support when you are suffering too...its amazing and I can't thank you enough.
Your message helped me a great deal, really.
I hope I can talk again with you soon (texting on the go, away from laptop)
What you describe is so true...it made me think a lot too. Am I addicted to sex now as a result of this?...why do I still seek the approval of other men all the time...urgh, messed up head- for sure.
Thank you so much again- really hope you're ok xx
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Old 05-01-11, 07:31 AM   #6
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Hello Angeldust;

You are never doomed Angel. You are wanting better for yourself then you have had in the past, and I want that for you too. Please don't heap blame on yourself for yesterday, I do that so much and it becomes a viscious, endless cycle. Learn what I have not, that the
past is gone and today is all that matters.

Please dont think that what happened to me will happen to you. One thing we have in common is we did what we had to do to survive, but I am so angry with those that used you and hurt you. Why cant people think about more than pedophilic sex when they see a vulnerable child??

Angeldust you can pm me or message me in forum anytime you like! I may not have the answers you need, but I will do my best to help, I promise you that.
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