Please don't feel obliged to read or respond to this. I suppose I have very few people I can talk to. I've always been a bit of a loner (purely by choice) and keep my feelings private. So...tonight, I just need a release, somewhere to type down my feelings as I'm hoping it'll make me feel better.
I've just quit smoking and have developed major depression...well, depressive episodes as a result of some pretty bad experiences. Smoking/ nicotine has prevented these episodes from appearing in the past (scientifically proven) and now I feel I'm trying to cope with everything all at once.
It all starts with my childhood. If I'm honest, it was horrific. Truly, truly horrific. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My parents separated when I was around 4, me and my two siblings lived with my mother but remained in touch with my father. My mother was an aggressive, abusive person with a drink problem. I can honestly say that from as young as I can remember, to when I finally escpaed at the age of 19.5, most evenings (which was when she used to drink her very strong lager) I was abused, bullied, beaten and mentally tortured by my mum. I mean, we're talking serious stuff here- every night. Every night. She would drink and go through stages. Stage 1 was tipsy/happy, stage 2 - slightly argumentative and irritable, stage 3 - angry, bullying, aggressive and threatening and stage 4 - really drunk, tired and crashing out. Every night. Sorry, repeating myself here. You're probably very bored now, reader!
Anyway- she would pick on me constantly, never let me do homework or school work. When friends/boys used to call she would swear and shout at them, embarrass me and try scare them away. She would never allow anyone to come round and never drop me off anywhere as it meant she couldn't drink (we lived in a very isolated area, an hours walk along a 60mph road to get anywhere near my school friends. None of my school friends lived anywhere near me...explains why I'm a loner now perhaps? I suppose I just got used to it). So, she would follow me around the house, bullying me, picking on me. When I used to lock myself in my room, she would happily spend her whole night trying to barge the door down, as long as she had her booze for company.
So...it gets worse. (I have A LOT of guilt/shame about this bit!) When I was 13, developing into a young lady, I discovered I was attracting attention from the opposite sex. I quickly realised that I could use men to 'save me' or give me a temporary escape from my abusive mother. So...that's what I did...use men. I slept around, slept with married men, had affairs, did EVERYTHING I could to get a man who would be willing to let me stay at his house so I could get away from my mother. At the age of 13, when my main focus should have been school work, fun and friends, my main focus in life was to attract men, seduce them so I didn't have to go home. I'm so...ashamed of myself. I appreciate I was responsible for my own behaviour. I did it. But...I'm SO ANGRY that, from the age of 13, I was...forced in a way to do that. Back then, I felt it was the only thing I could do. Really. It was. My friends didn't know how desperate I was, my asshole father didn't care and my siblings were...well, one older one was like my mother...a bully. So, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to protect my younger sibling.
Anyway- I'm also upset about...thinking back...I know, I'm certain, that some of these men (some over 30 years older than me at the time) knew I was a vulnerable kid...but they still had their way with me. I remember one guy, after pleasing himself, actually said to me, 'you need help'. He didn't help me though. No-one did.
Why did I do it? Quite simpy - because I didn't want to go home and be abused by my mother. Also, I suppose I was looking for someone to truly love me and to rescue me. Of course, the men weren't interested in that. They only wanted one thing...I can't blame them really, it was what I offered them, after all.
So....this continued until I escaped at the age of 19. God knows how, I did well...school/uni and career. When I escaped from home, me and my mother even got on. We never talked about what happened. She died a few years back from cancer...lost her very quickly. We still hadn't talked about what happened and why she did this to me. (Sigh)
Over the years...the experience of childhood has left me quite a vulnerable person. For example- I've always been scared to be on my own. I don't know why. I'm good looking, financially secure, own house, good career, well respected.....but I've always been scared to be alone...until now I suppose. This, fearing being alone, has made me pick the most awful, horrible men including 3 women-beaters. Two were horrific experiences. One nearly killed me. I finished with that one two years ago but the memories still haunt me today. I'm so angry at him for hurting me. I am consumed with negative, scary thoughts about this man. I have...sick thoughts of revenge...what I would/could do to him and his family. Of course, I never would...but I shouldn't be thinking this way.
I'm with a nice guy now. As soon as I left the woman-abuser, I ran straight into the arms of another guy (so predictable). But...he turned out lovely. He's really nice. However, I think things are very 'rocky'. It seems I'm going to mess everything up because of this depression.
I'm a nightmare to be around. The slightest thing, row, arguement upsets me to the point I stay in the bedroom all night crying. I'm irritable, I'm mean, I'm moody. In fact, I can't stand to be around anyone, apart from him. I don't know what to do here...antidepressants? Counselling? Be single? At least being single would mean I wouldn't hurt/upset my boyfriend anymore.
I'm also thinking .... I'm annoyed at myself for always having a man. Should I finish this one just so I can be on my own?? Also....the depression is making me question whether I love this guy, whether I want a future with him. Oh lord...I'm so, so, so unhappy. I can't tell you how much.
There are another 100000 bad experiences I've had, however, I can't talk about those right now.
If you've lasted the message...thank you for reading. I assume you're on here too because you're suffering- I really hope you get well soon. Angeldust xxx