I was in a relationship for 3 years with a guy who I truly believed I loved... I went through so much emotional pain during the entire 3 years of our relationship. First, his friends that I had befriended as well started gaining a jealousy of how much time he was spending with me. They made me feel terrible about myself and tried to run me away by screwing me over to the core. Because of the reputation I had in my old town, they all knew I had been sent into psychiatric care 7+ times for suicidal tendencies and attempts due to an abusive relationship with my father. They called me psycho, slut, bitch, whore, told me kill myself again, insane...even his guy friends said they would hit me and hurt me (a 125 pound girl).
After this traumatic experience with his friends, he ultimately chose me over them. At this point I was 17 years old. 6 months after the relationship started, he began to verbally abuse me. He himself started calling me a whore, slut, nasty bitch, retarded, underdeveloped, worthless...just terrible things. By the time I was 18, while my father was at work, (I was living with my father and he would refuse to let me move out) I secretively packed my bags and moved out of his house as quickly as I could so I could be gone before I got home from work. I moved in with my ex.
While living with my ex, I noticed he had a hidden addiction to heroin, other opiates, and alcohol. Also, while living with him, I was still getting emotionally and verbally abused. Being the idiot and good girlfriend, I didn't break it off with him even though I was in pain. I thought I loved him and he provided a place for me to live (even though I was paying my share of rent and utilities). We decided one day to move states and get away from people still harassing me and him for our relationship, I was 19 at this time. Our other goal was to attend a good college and just a fresh start.
After we got there, I kept to my set goal of creating a better lifestyle, better friends, and doing well in school. He went completely opposite...he got worse. He went from alcohol and heroin to cocaine and heroin. One day, we got into an argument where it got physical and he slapped me then kicked me to the floor. After doing so, I went back to my old hometown to live back with my father for 3 months because I was scared to go back. My ex and I got back in touch after I left for this 3 month period and I moved back with him into the other state.
He had started to associate with people who sold GHB (date rape drug), Cocaine, Heroin, Loratabs, ALL OF IT while I was gone. Then when I moved back, he started robbing heroin dealers and lied to me about it. I found out through other people because word got around in that city. One night he called me belligerent drunk while I was out with friends and tells me he robbed a drug dealer and killed him while trying to rob them (the murder was a make-himself-look-ballsy lie). I was unsure of going back home that night because we still lived together at this time. I finally texted my mother all the way 22 hours away from where I lived; and she called the police department in my current city.
Being the lie that it was, he got out of going to jail with the cops and was let free. He was high on cocaine and opiates, I only knew because his pupils pulsated from big to small rapidly but the cops were negligent enough to not even realize. He thought I was the one who called the cops and choked me around ten times within a 4 hour span. His friend (the one who influenced him to rob heroin dealers) had to pull him off of me. His friend liked hitting women and bragged about it so that's why he didn't beat the crap out of my ex. His friend was just trying to prevent a homicide from happening that night. I had bruises up and down my entire neck, face, ears, arms..everywhere. I fled and moved in with friends who saw my neck and refused to let me ever go back there. My stuff was gained with supervision and help. It was after i turned 20 in April 2012
...this happened May 2012.
I feel like an idiot...I still believe I am a slut...I still have flashback...I have recurring nightmares...I feel disgusted with myself...my self esteem is low...I don't know who to trust...I have feel like I have no self respect...I feel like I have no class...I FEEL WORTHLESS. LOWER THAN WORMS UNDER DIRT. I need help