Hootspa

i step back and survey my Life.
i feel horror. Cold Horror. when i look back and look.
so many terrible things (have happened to me).
so many hopeless situations (i was put in).
so much pain (i felt).
so sad. so shut down. so dark. so small.

and then i decided, "What the FUCK!!" and i got up, 'cause I said so, and i decorated my little room in hell; i painted on the walls with my own spit, and i flipped the rug over. it started to look better, because i added my own spin, i added my own flair, i became aware that i had the power to change. noted, i'm still in hell, but now, i have choices.

doesn't that sound pathetic? it is. 'cause it is. it's also extremely brave and courageous. i have nothing. nothing. no family. no money. no treatment team. no health. no mind. yet here i am, wiser than most everybody i know. how the hell did i do that????

Today

Who knows and who cares how Hootspa :)

You did, and when you write you drag my soul through your little tales :)

You have talent beyond what I think even you realise :)

__________________
...How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...

Alexander Pope "Eloisa to Abelard"

The iron ore feels its self needlessly tortured
as it goes through the furnace.
The tempered blade looks back and knows better.

My Blog

Hootspa

Today, you said i have talent you don't think i even realize.
I laughed out loud. I laughed because I don't think of my writing as a "talent." I've written like this all of my life, since I first learned how to spell. This is the way I think, and it confuses me to try to understand how others "see" my "thinking." I've talked to many people in my travels, many large audiences, some college professors and some big-to-do doctors, and they all marvel at how "intelligent" I am. Somehow, that's a compliment. And it probably is, yet I get so irritated by it, I get so irritated because it sounds unusual that i am a person. "am i not a person?" i want to yell. i get in trouble for ignoring myself, for ignoring my bodily cues and ignoring my emotions, yet it seems to be okay for other people to separate me from me. the comment that I am "intelligent" really confuses me because i feel put in a double-bind situation. it's not so bad today, when people use this term, because these days i'm more sure of me and my patterns and less dependent on other's interpretations of who i am; i'm getting to know who i am, and getting to be more and more okay with who i am. sometimes i even like who i am.

thanks, Today, for getting me to directly explore why i'm so uncomfortable with this particular compliment.

rmgedon69

@ least you try to explain how you feel...even if it doesn't make sense to other people. you analyze the way most people can't. you sure do have a lot to say for a depress person....w/c is good. and the context of your words?....wow...you are deep hootspa. you are so deep that even the most sophisticated submarines can't even measure the depths of your mind.

__________________
- You know what excites me the most about life?... Death. It's definitely 100% pure, unbias, certain, & undeniable climatic phase that will literally takes your breath away. The anticipation is killing me.

Hootspa

rmgedon69, i am a deep thinker; didn't always know this, though. i assumed i was "like everybody else" or that everybody else was like me. my mind works very fast, and when i speak, i mean lots of different things with the word(s) i choose. it's almost like double-speak, with layers of expression, layers of meaning. i think big, too; meaning i think globally, and i'm able to see globally, too. for some reason, i can hold lots of information in my mind at once, and i think most people can't assimilate information as fast as i can. i believe my schizophrenia has a lot to do with how my mind works; i have no limits, no boundaries, no set definition of "reality," so i am not bound by the barrriers most people have. this enables me to "play" with ideas, and come up with new ones. you know, when i was in high school, i did not know that girls were "not supposed" to be good at or like math. i liked math a lot and was very good at it. i found out later that that was unusual. i remember being annoyed when teachers would show expressions of surprise at my mathematical aptitude. because i grew up in a home of violence, abuse, and neglect, i was not parented, not socialized, not taught the rules of society. as you can see, being left to ones' own devices can sometimes be bittersweet.