My girlfriend wants to kill herself
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My girlfriend wants to kill herself

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Old 03-13-13, 09:33 AM   #1
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Unhappy My girlfriend wants to kill herself

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I guess I should explain about her depression a little first.

Her depression started in 2010, with her previous relationship still running. She never really 'loved' her ex, she was a 15 year old who wanted attention from someone who cares. It was a long distance relationship. They were separated a few hundred miles. He was a "hump and dump" type of guy and forced her to lose her virginity. He forced her into sexual activities over 50 times, from what she told me. He never cared for her feelings and when she got depressed he couldn't handle her any more. She denied her depression for a year, until she knew it was actually depression. Slowly starting to hate herself more and more, her relationship with her ex ended, her relationship with her family faded away. Her mam and she had fights on a daily basis. Her brother was less close to her (mainly because of puberty) She started cutting, in absolute disgust to herself.

A few months after she broke up, I met her. I met her on twitter and had only the intention to help her, as I have been in the same position as she has. Slowly we fell in love, and that caused her depression to fade away. Her self-harm faded away. Months without depression. Then we decided to meet up for a week. We live 730 miles apart. I bought an airplane ticket to see her. We met and fell in love more than we thought was possible.

I have a DeviantArt account, a website where you can share art. I favourited a few pictures of half naked girls. I admit, I did, but most were from the past. The most recent ones, I don't know what I was doing. I didn't want to do it, but still did. I don't know why. My girlfriend found them. Only 2 weeks after I returned from seeing her.

She has very low self-esteem and has a dark, disgusted self image. Seeing those modelling pictures, she felt like those were the type of girls I'd go for. Slim, fit and with a big chest, dark hair, tanned, etc. etc.
That, however, is not true. I don't have a type, nor a kind of girl I want. I never had a girlfriend in my life. I'm 21 years old and only recently started dating. I fell in love with her and I think I realised my mistakes too late.

She has not trusted me since, doesn't believe me, sees this in the same size as cheating, hates herself more than before thinking she doesn't satisfy me enough.

I keep telling her how I truly feel, knowing she will never believe me. There is no trust for months now. She lost hope for us. After we got together and her depression backed away temporarily, she grew closer to her family. I'm happy that happened. She however just wants me, and thinking she lost me and doesn't believe me any more, she wants to end her life. She's gotten back to cutting, her depression is worse than before I met her.

I feel like I've ruined her. I've destroyed her. I'm fearing my depression will return in the process. For me as well, she is the only thing keeping me alive. I have a horrible life, and she rescued me. I'm now afraid for her life. I don't want to lose her. She is my everything and we were going to move in together only 10 months from now, February 2014.

I think distance is making this worse than it is, knowing that she can't see what I do and doesn't have access to my computer. She believes I'm still looking at girls and even believes I'm cheating on her. She loves me madly but hates me even more.

I feel like I've woken up in a vast endless salt desert, not knowing what up and down is, nor what life and death is. I'm totally lost. I know I hurt her, but hearing her tell me in detail how much she hates me, every day for months, I'm done myself. How am I supposed to fix things and stop her from suicide if I'm broken and empty inside myself? I don't want her blood on my hands, the only one I love and the only one who loved me. Losing her will only mean the end of my own life.

I know I broke her, but I don't know what to do. Ending the relationship will kill her. Ending my life will kill her. Doing nothing will kill her. I really don't know what to do. I need help. We both need help.
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Old 03-15-13, 08:08 PM   #2
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This is such a sad story... I wish I had any good advice to offer. I don't know what your conversations look like now or what you have told her to try to convince her that she is the only one for you and that she isn't disgusting. If I were in your situation I would consistently pull out everything I've got from the depths of my heart every day in hopes of reaching her. I'd try to explain why I favorited the pictures and why it doesn't mean anything, though I wouldn't go on too much about it. I'd just focus on trying to make her see how beautiful she is and how much I love her. Why would I be going on about it for months trying to reassure her if I didn't mean it? It's really hard to be precise about what I'd say since what really counts are the words you pick in the heat of a conversation. If she says she wants to kill herself then I'd say that if she goes, I go too. A conversation that would probably be too risky is to ask if she's never daydreamed or looked at pictures of really attractive men. If she has, then you would tell her that it's just the same. It doesn't mean anything. Almost everybody has done it at some point, but it doesn't matter. If I got to a point where I felt I would never reach her, I'd fear for both my life and hers. I'd write the love letter of a lifetime, stained with tears, neverending, and just keep writing until my hands burn out. I'd record myself throwing my computer off the edge of a cliff and into the ocean, destroy everything old that doesn't matter, I'd sell off things (possibly a better fate for the computer) so that I could take a flight and take her in my arms, hold her and tell her I love her and beg her to please believe me. "You are my everything". I'd do anything I could possibly do.

This is such a loaded situation and I can't really suggest any one good thing to do... it all just depends what you are like, what she is like... but if you need to talk more about it with someone, I'd be more than happy to do so. I've asked a girl friend of mine to sign up here and give some input too, maybe she's got something more useful to say.
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Old 03-15-13, 08:36 PM   #3
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This may not be easy, but first, you have to forgive yourself. It wasn't smart to like those pictures knowing she has low selfesteem and knowing that she might see them, but you never did it with the intention of hurting her. You didn't kill someone or cheated on her, you just did something stupid that CAN be fixed, but first you have to stop blaming yourself.

Second is you have to show her how much you care. Thing you are already doing. The other asshole (Pardon my language, but he is an asshole, I have dated a guy like that in the past and they deserve no respect) left her as soon as she got depressed and couldn't get what he wanted. Now she is not feeling well, she tells you she hates you and still, you want to stay. That's like a major love demonstration. You have to tell her that no matter how much she hates you, no matter how bad things get, you will be there for her, because your love for her is greater than anything. I would also strongly suggest you to make a plan to go to see her as soon as possible and stay longer than a week.

As for the image issues, you have to make clear that you are with her because you think that she is the most beautiful woman ever. We woman sometimes have a harsh time understanding that a "like" doesn't mean anything most of time. You have to show her that no matter what she thinks about herself, you DO believe she is beautiful. There are probably a million reasons you are with her and not with someone else, and you should talk to her about it.

Anyway...That's my advice. I hope it's useful at least a bit. I know what she is going through and trust me, it's terrible. She is lucky to have someone like you. Keep strong, she needs you alive.
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Old 04-02-13, 01:46 PM   #4
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Hello!

Thank you, Laika and Cydonia for replying.

It has been better and worse at the same time. I think we both reached a point of forgiveness at some point, 2 weeks ago. So only a week after I made this thread. I explained in detail why I did this. I have been stupid and not told her that my old crush was also a long distance and I had little to no faith in this relationship at the beginning, so I ignored her feelings completely.

However, later after I knew this was what I wanted and knew it would last, I completely forgot about what I did, forgetting every image of every girl I favourited.

Last night we reached a very important part in this whole situation. She was so lost that she said:
" I love being sad. I always find an excuse to blame you not to make you feel bad, but because I enjoy feeling sad. I love being hurt. I love self-harming, I love having a broken heart. I know any other girl would have long forgotten about what happened but I enjoy the sadness and loneliness."

After this, Skype at some point disconnected and she didn't want to call anymore. I however just wanted to say goodnight, even though we were in a fight and I was so angry at her. I called her and said:
" Hey.. First of all, I'm really sorry for ever hurting you. I neglected your feelings and I always make you the bad person. I sometimes forget you have depression. Second, I love you. I really love you. I don't care if you don't believe me but I know that I love you and I always will. And third, goodnight.."

Just as I wanted to hang up, she told me to stay because she feels lonely. She told me that she wants me to be on skype until she falls asleep. I asked why, what's wrong. She started crying and said:
" Why is this happening to me. Why am I sad? I hate being sad. Why can't I be happy like everyone else? Why am I depressed? I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want to die. I want to live with you. I'm so confused. My brain hurts, Ely. It hurts."

I realised that this depression she has, reached a point where she develops a second personality. This is really scaring me. It's like she's a totally different person. One moment she enjoys pain and even laughs about it, the other she cries in fear of her own life. She is scared that in a state of depression she might go too far and die. She knows that she doesn't want that and that depression is basically a living second person inside of her.

I really don't know what to do aside from supporting her and via via finding help since she is so very ashamed of herself that she refuses any professional help.

She now realises that she is not herself when depressed, but this doesn't mean things are better yet. I think the goodbye I said, specially the I love you part kinda triggered her to wake up. I'm kinda relieved she knows that though, better than believing that it's the real her.

I think talking to her is all I can do, and instead of getting her help, I'll ask help and reflect it unto her. That's the only way I know. Any tips here? Am I doing something wrong?

Thank you, again, for replying! I will try out your advice. Thanks a lot! :)
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Old 04-02-13, 04:09 PM   #5
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Hi, elyo11. I read through your story, and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I'm mentally ill (though my bipolar disorder is well-managed at this time), and my current significant other is mentally ill (and not so well-managed right now, haha), and I know how much of a strain these factors can place on relationships of all kinds.

Regarding your girlfriend: If she was 15 in 2010, then that means that now she is only 17 or 18? That's still very young, and I think it's important to keep in perspective that she is still emotionally immature (and I use that word not in the "childish" sense, but rather the "not yet fully developed" sense), and when one goes through a lot of emotional trauma at a young age, especially during the teenage years, which are critical years for the development of self identity, it can actually delay self-discovery. This was the case for me, and because of the interference from my own mental issues, I didn't really figure out what my personality is like and settle into that until I was in my early 20s, which is something that many or most people do during high school or so. This can create a lot of confusion and turmoil, and can amplify small issues into existential crises, because you lack the proper emotional faculties to cope.

Even now (at age 25), I sometimes find myself getting inexplicably upset over small things, and having a hard time letting them go. Rationally, I know that it's not even a big deal, but my emotions just sometimes tend to get "stuck." That may be the case with her with regards to your DeviantArt stuff - I think that rationally she knows that you love her and that looking at that stuff is neither cheating nor a threat to your relationship, but somehow, that small thing has gotten so magnified in her head that she's questioning your entire relationship and her entire self-worth.

I think that the best thing to do about that specific thing is just don't bring it up anymore. You did nothing wrong, you didn't realize she'd react so badly, and you did your best to explain it and reassure her. There's no need to defend yourself any further, and revisiting this over and over is like reopening the wound, and keeping it stuck in her mind, rather than letting her move past it and forget about it. If SHE brings it up, acknowledge that you feel bad about it, but then shift the focus onto HER and why you think that she's beautiful, why you want to be with her, why she's the best, etc. And obviously, stay away from the pics of other women from here on out.

As for her depression in general - I think that it's not that she's developed a second personality, but rather that she's been depressed for so long now that she doesn't know how to function without it, and it becomes a love/hate relationship. After living with them for awhile, the sad thoughts can be strangely comforting. It's like some kind of weird Stockholm Syndrome, haha. There is not a lot you can do about that, especially from so far away, other than being supportive and encouraging, and avoiding doing anything to intentionally upset her. It is upon her to seek treatment, and your role is to encourage her to do so, and be supportive and give advice, when appropriate. This paragraph closely mirrors what I'm going through with my own bf right now - he's been depressed for months now, and while he doesn't really like it, it's become so part of him that "likes" it in a familiar sense -- he wouldn't even know what to do with himself if he woke up tomorrow and suddenly wasn't depressed. It's frustrating for me to watch, and, at times, hard to accept that there's nothing that I can do for him except be patient and encouraging.

Anyway, I don't know how much my rambling has really helped, but hopefully that at least gives you some insight. I wish you all the best, and please keep everyone here updated on what happens! I hope things get better for you soon.
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Old 04-07-13, 05:35 PM   #6
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@LetItBe987

That does give me some insight, thanks a lot for the reply!
I hope everything goes well with you and your boyfriend too.. I know the feel.

Just an update, no depressed outbreaks so far since, but she did try to break up. She gave in and said sorry and didn't mean it only an hour after, which is kind of gotten normal now. Like, it's starting to confuse me whether she's being serious or not because sometimes it seems serious but it's not and sometimes it doesn't but it is.

Other than that, she's been trying to avoid problems and change subject lately, if we ever get into something. But that worries me a lot, in case she just curls up and lets it all in, hurting but not showing the pain to me. She's done that before..

Other than that, it's going pretty well. She says she really misses my presence and that that made her feel the safest she's ever been. Thinking back, she never had a low moment at all in the week we were together. She needs the physical presence of love.. Makes me feel sad that I can't give her that :(

Thanks again, for the reply! :)
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Old 04-09-13, 01:23 AM   #7
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Im happy things are a bit better between you too.

I think that so far, you are doing things well. When you are on a long distance relationship, it always hurts to be away. It's the biggest (and probably the only serious) contra about them. Having you there would probably help her loads, but also, it probably wouldn't change the past and how she feels about it.

When you go through such a s*** relationship like the one she had with his ex, it's hard to recover from it and specially when you went through that at such young age. She NEEDS professional help. And there's no need to be ashamed, because what she went through is sadly common. It happens to lots of girls (and boys also). It happened to me (not in the exact way) and here Im talking about it. No need to be ashamed.

About how she feels about depression, I can tell you that at least from my experience, there are somedays that you feel so used to it that you think you like it or you were meant for it and then there are some other days that you wonder why you have it. It's something that just happens.

Anyway, I hope this helps, I feel Im crap giving advice. Good luck.
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