I'm suffering from depression, as you could probably tell, and I'd thought I had good solid friends who could help me with this. I was wrong.
So, as I've been feeling worse and worse, I've starting thinking more abotu suicide, something that scared me very badly. I felt the need to talk to my friends, but if I approached the subject, I learned some things about them. One's boyfriend has attempted suicide 3 times and doesn't like to talk about it, another has actually tried suicide and it's a dark place I don't want to return them to. The others and I just aren't close enough for that to work. There was one person left. It happened to be the one I'm in love with.
He's my best friend. Let's call him "Mutton" (various reasons). I told Mutton that every once in a while, I think about suicide. He said he did too, but we knew it wasn't a valid way out. We kind of brushed it aside as a joke. As it got more serious, I told him about it and (in the 5 minutes he was available) he told me it wasn't healthy and I needed to see someone. Since then, he hasn't said a word and I think he's avoiding me. I barely see him during the day and we don't talk then. He's always busy and when he is online, it seems like he never talks to me unless I talk to him. He goes away and doesn't come back (been happening for a while tho). This was our most recent conversation:
Mutton: lol hey
Mutton: Not much. Kinda bored XD
Me: Same, but I found a great forum.
That's it. Is he just in shock? I understand that, but it's making me upset and I feel like I've ruined our friendship. I feel so alone. I don't want to scare him, but I've scared myself so badly that I need to tell someone and he was the closest person I could talk to...