i have a bad feeling and i cant shake it. im nearly in tears from it

heartfilledlies · 02-01-2010, 04:18 PM

my bf had an anxiety attack n he got really bad on on saturday, n i was trying to talk to him but eveyrhting i did or said just made it worse. finally he sai dhe was going to sign off for a bit, sleep for a few days, get his head start, then come bk on. saturday morning, he was so paraniod n i almost broke up with him on friday bc i didnt understand n we had a huge fight which i no made him worse. but then i came to my senses n i went bk to him, i did everything i could. i had a lil book that told me how to handle it to try n make it easier for him, but he just kept saying that i dont respect him bc i told ppl about his attack which i didnt, n then he started saying i was spying on him n i was laughing about it all, finding it funny, which i wasnt. my heart was breaking n i was so lost n hurt but i just wanted to make him feel better, i just wanted to ease the anxiety. then on saturday morning when he said he was leaving for a bit, i said ok, ill be here when u want to come bk, i love u.
then he started n on how i was making him worse on purpose and i wasnt, n he started telling me about how his exgf used to handle it n how i made i took this tiny problem n made it huge. n he kept asking if i was relaly that mean and horrible. then he said right b4 he signed off "well thanks for making me like this". then he left. that was 2 days ago n ive been worrying ever since bc usually he wakes up everynow and again when he sleeps for a few days, he txts me letting me no that hes ok, he does something so i wont worry.
then last night i was laying n bed n i got a huge knott in my stomach which usually means something bad happens. n then it turned into a physical pain n i felt like there was something on top of me, holding me down. thats happened b4. once b4 my grandmother died, onli n the middle of the night, about 2 or 3 hrs b4 my uncle called my mom. my grandma died just after that happened to me. then again when my mom had a stroke a few yrs bk. its happened a few other times n my life n it onli happens when something extremely bad happens. then after a few moments it let up. n then i went to sleep and dreamt my bf was txting me saying he had killed himself n that he will always love me. then i called him, which is weird bc in reality i cant call him, n he answered n i could hear his voice saying he had jumped off a bridge n hes sry n he was begging for my forgiveness. n its like i could feel time stand sitll n my dream n i was asking myself to wake up, i was screaming it.
then when i finally did wake up, i looked at msn messanger then at my phone, nothing from him on either. n ive been going threw the hole day wondering, txting him constantly. n i tell myself that hes fine, hes just sleeping it off, hes too strong to do that to himself, to give in like that. but everytime i do, i feel that knott. i cant get my mind off it or anything. i just wish he'd come online, just for a second to tell me hes ok. im trying so hard not to cry, ive been like this all day, though i was with my sick sister all day n i was able to control myself. i just want to hear from him. he doesnt even have to say anything, he can just come online, then sign off so that i no hes there n ok. plz god let him be ok.....

hydiidepressio · 02-01-2010, 11:48 PM

You have tried everything you can think of to help your bf,you even tried more when he was saying bad things to you. You are a very caring person.

I dont know if your feeling of something wrong are true or not but i will hope they are not.

Dont forget totake care of yourself too.

heartfilledlies · 02-02-2010, 12:16 AM

well my feelings eased this evening. i remember, it was about 6:30, right b4 my name is earl came on, that i felt it lift. so watever happened, if anything, it ended. when this happened just b4 my moms stroke, i had this uneasy numbing feeling. then after a few days n the doctors cleared her, even though i didnt no until hrs later when i got home from school, it lifted around lunch time during my junior yr n high school. i guess its a relief that its lifted, its a horrible feeling of dread deep inside me, covered n this numbing kind of emotion. though im still worrying that something did happen, n if something did, wat? he still hasnt come bk online. i have no other way to get ahold of him, though i wish i did. wish i had a better cell phone service too.
ty for the reply though