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Experienced Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: in my mind
Posts: 1,242
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Hey, I'm not no here often but noticed your thread and had to post. I guess first to answer your question (its the most pressing) I do have the problem you describe with my bf. He literally saved me from myself is how I see it, I really cannot care about anyone more, but sometimes I feel nothing and it KILLS just so you know. I don't say it to him, for fear he'll get insecure and it hurt our relationship in the long-run, I know for me its just a symptom and once it goes away things will go back but if I hurt him with something like that it'll be a lot tougher to bounce back from. Last time we'd had such space between us was when we started dating and every once in a while our caution buttons go off or something cause one of us would be 'not that into it' or distance ourselves, but after the intital part that wore off for us except when i was just down in the dumps. THEN his daily affection is just IRRITATING I TRY to quietly go through the motions, but I don't know why its just not there the gushy couply pillow talk type behavior GOES. Needless to say the care/love does NOT EVER, and I'm SURE if you do speak to your wife you can first assure her its ok to be honest with you cause she'll probably be wanting to avoid pushing you away by admittig there is an elephant in the room - but once she's comfortable maybe she will talk more openly as she'll feel you are in it together? I never did have it in me to say the love feeling is not there exactly, cause i knew even at those moments i'd not trade in my bf for the world or even escape from being depressed, i'd stay in hell to keep him here. HOWEVER what was STRESSFUL was going throughthe motions when I did not feel like it, it was another thing I couldnot do and trying everyday when someone easily could give that affection to you rid me with guilt and more hate for myself etc. SO on that note, what I was able to do, was ask my bf for nights OFF from relationship duty overall. I explained i t was the depression and I am not able to really care about what we had for dinner etc. and he understood so he'd back off. Instead what we did on those nights was just commiserate, he'd sit with me, watch TV talk little, eat junk food etc. and knowing he'd given me the RIGHT to not be affectionate RELIEVED all teh stress and I was ableto just knowhe was there and let him know i was still theref or him, but jsut that we had to do thingsslightly differently in order to be compatibly there foreachother when i was so down and incapable of continuing with the status quo of relationship life. Essentially, no matter how much she withdraws from you its not actually a lackof love i don't think, but rather a lack of affection and display. SO do nto worry, it will come back probably (I can't say for sure considering it is subjective as others explained) but really the depression takes away interest not your soul - and the biggest fight is really remembering that you DO want these people and things like love and affection when your body is telling you no and pushing everything away through disinterest, its really heartbreaking even for the person suffering it not just you. I'm sure yoru wife wishes she could participate more and give more as I did with my bf (but even more so considering you're her husband and have kids! I can't imagine how helpless/useless its making HER feel) Just know that she does regardless of what depression makes her do probably realize what is happening and does not know hwo to control it, so please let her know its ok, give her tthose nights off and ease of mind to just BE - then talk to her. I'm sure you'll find she wants to go back to being affectionate, hell I remember years ago i could not even have sex and that was a BUMMER!!! Esp since sex actually reduces stress, scientifically lproven, physical affection does reduce stress. On that note, do not take away your affection, just let her know you understand if she can't return the same. And maybe she can return it verbally by letting you know she still feels the same though she can't show it right now...
anyway, hope this helps, but for what it is worth on a good day and bad day there is no one else i want with me. I'm sure she feels the same. Its just harder to figure out how to keep that person there when you can't so much as show affection you feel they're better off elsewhere not moping with you and that drags you further away from the relationship. My gamble was askign for nights off at times like this so the confusion would just stop and icould just BE before making it an actual problem in the relationship. In the past when i got over confused b/c of demands of affection and things i could not give i cut off friends, bfs etc. and isolated myself. The nights off were the only compromise i could think of to keep myself from ruining everything. I suggest try something like that...but discuss it with your wife lest she think you are trying to avoid her when she is down lol. But ask her openly - do you find it MORE stressful for me to push affection to you while you are down? Would you prefer if I just commiserate sometimes? - usually it would work i think because misery loves company, not happy annoying people lol.
All the best, now that I have answered your question as much as I can, may i say its beautiful to see your concern. It is understandable you need affection, you are human and going through a tough time you need it more than ever. And totally normal to do so, and i'm sure your wife sees it and feels worse for kinda abandoning you at this time and appreciates you even more for it too, I can't imagine what woman would not. Keep it up, and all the best to you and your kids and wife. One thing I have heard in the past is that a good cure to depression is talking about it, being able to feel comfortable and un-judged or not dragging others down while you are depressed often makes it hard to talk about it, but being supportive and not looking at it as strange but rather understanding it as you have done usualy helped me feel that comfort level to talk - i hope your wife does too and you guys come out of it together. It'll make you stronger if it doesn't kill you, remind her every day she is getting stronger, experiencing something MOST people don't even comprehend and surviving it - that's all she needs to do for now, and soon she'll be strong enough to get back to her family and knowing that will probably help her on an emotional level just feeling supported day to day.
anyway, just thoughts that occurred to me, i talk too much but mean well, take from it what you will though and i hope it helps :)
welcome to TTL, has your wife heard of it? Maybe she'd like to join too?? wait jsut saw page 2 of the thread lol. I understand her fears btw, I didn't tell anyone the research I DID do for many years cause the demons i saw in myself. Its scary, Im pretty certain to this day i could easily destroy someone's psyche if i told the truth and that is hard to put on loved ones. I also hated the idea of deconstructing my mind as I nkew it in therapy or anything like that and just wanted to 'recover' for sometime. Unfortunately its a tough cycle to break, all the best to her, just keep being by her side and if no recovery usually we end up holding on to lifelines and giving in to things we would nto have tried before. I ended up here and in therapy to give you an idea. at some point we all see our beliefs fears and opinions are really useless if they are simlpy keeping us unhappy, but it is something we have to see for ourselves
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Some latin wisdom:
CARPE DIEM QUAM MINIMUM CREDULA POSTERO
Seize the day, put no trust in tommorrow.
NIL ILLEGITIMUS CARBORUNDUM
Don't let the bastards get you down.
SI MINOR PLUS EST ERGO NIHIL SUNT OMNIA
If less is more, than nothing is everything.
Last edited by sybil08; 11-12-2009 at 06:25 AM.
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You may be able to email them and ask the same question. I wasn't sure where you were in the world so I figured it was worth a try. I have found them helpful for resources like what you seek in the USA. 
