Why doesn't anybody want me?
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Why doesn't anybody want me?

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Old 03-08-08, 05:01 PM   #1
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Hello, this is my first time posting here, I feel i've got nowhere else to turn.

I'm 24 years old, male and a virgin. I'd not even so much as held hands with or kissed a girl before. This made me extremely depressed and suicidal over the last year or so, believing that there was something fundamentally wrong with me which meant that no one wanted me.

With the help of The Samaritans and a therapist I managed to change my way of thinking and believe that rather than there being something wrong with me, that maybe the problem was that i'd not had the opportunity to meet someone. To rectify this and effect a positive change i joined an online dating website to try and meet someone, which was hard as it took lots of encouragement to build up the confidence to do this. At first all my messages were ignored and i didn't get any replies, which was hard to deal with but i persisted with it. Eventually i got talking to one girl and we decided to meet up. We went on 5 dates and I thought things were going really well.

Then a couple of days ago she phoned me to tell me that she just wanted to be friends with me, the same thing every other girl has ever said to me. Now i feel utterly desparing and hopeless and i want to kill myself. I can't talk to any of my friends because no one understands what constant and continual rejection without any success over many years feels like. I just can't take this constant rejection any more. I can't stop thinking 'why doesn't anybody want me' as all i seem to be good enough for is friendship, nothing more, and i don't want to live like that. Why doesn't anyone want me?
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Old 03-08-08, 05:17 PM   #2
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Hello Lento.
Rejection does hurt, no doubt, but it doesen't mean there's anything wrong with you. Everybody has their own timeline.

It sounds like maybe you haven't had the opportunity to get experience with dating. It would be better to take this experience and learn from it. Truth is, most women you meet aren't going to end up being your gf, most not even a good friend, if that.... But it's okay, b/c as my grandmother used to say, "there's plenty of fish in the sea," so my suggestion is take what you learned and apply it to the next situatio. Dating and all that is a skill to be developed like anything else.

Btw, from what I hear about dating sites, they don't usually pan out to anything serious.

I would suggest to maybe hang out with your friends at a bar, esp. female friends b/c if you're a nice guy they'll vouch for you if you're interested in a girl there, a mutual friend of theirs or someone asks them about you, takes an interest.... It's a networking thing too--social skills....

Also, guys get rejected all the time. It's not the rejection, it's what you do after. Get up, dust yourself off, get back on the horse. Don't take it to heart, after all, they're not really rejecting YOU, it's their perception of YOU b/c they don't know you well enough to reject the real YOU.
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Old 03-08-08, 05:21 PM   #3
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Thank you for your reply.

Thing is I've been constantly rejected for the last 8 years. I've been dusting myself off continually but to no avail. I can no longer believe that tomorrow will bring anything better for me.
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Old 03-08-08, 05:32 PM   #4
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My friend, perhaps it's your approach. I suggest if you know any guys who are "succesful" with women, tap their brain, get them to teach you some moves. Also, ask your female friends if you're doing something fundemantally wrong. Truth is, female friends can help you with women better than any man. You may need an objective perspective.

The key to success in anything is persistence. It sucks you've been trying this long without success. That's alot of rejection to absorb and would certainly hurt your self esteem. I'm sorry.

I think you should try the dating site again, perhaps, too.

What exactly are you looking for? If you go in with an agenda, i.e.: "I want to get laid." alot of women will pick up on this and be turned off.

Are you too agressive? Idk. Examine your approach.
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War is a racket. The few profit. The many suffer. --Major General Smedley Butler. 2 time congressional Medal of Honor winner.

"The greater the sensibility, the greater the suffering...much suffering." Leonardo da Vinci.

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Old 03-08-08, 05:41 PM   #5
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All i get when i ask my female friends is the same crap: that i'm a nice guy, that there's nothing wrong with me, that anyone would be lucky to have me, that i'm kind, funny, interesting etc. I guess none of these things really matter though, thats why they are friends with me and nothing more.

If anything i thought my problem was that i was not aggressive enough, that the problem was i didn't go in thinking 'i want to get laid', which would possibly explain why i have so many female friends but no girlfriend.

I did speak to my housemate who suggested the key is confidence, since i don't really have problems talking to girls/making them laugh etc, which i did with the girl i met online. It didn't work. It has never worked for me, like nothing else ever has.
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Old 03-08-08, 05:49 PM   #6
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Quote:
I did speak to my housemate who suggested the key is confidence,
Women like confidence for sure. They like a nice guy, well, some do, but you have to be a little agressive when the time arrives. If you're not they think you're not interested or confident. Lack of confidence is a turn of for most people.

Maybe you should think about getting laid and not about getting a girlfriend. Be a little selfish. There's nothing wrong with getting laid. Some women, believe it or not, are'nt looking for a relationship. Women have those same needs too. If you put them on a pedestal, you can't reach them.

Btw, women love funny men b/c it puts them at ease. Everybody loves funny, so that's a good "in" for you. Seems like you can get started, just not finish. You have to shift gears at some point. For instance, you had 5 dates with the girl that you met online. Did you kiss her? 5 dates is plenty for that.
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"The earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed." Gandhi.

War is a racket. The few profit. The many suffer. --Major General Smedley Butler. 2 time congressional Medal of Honor winner.

"The greater the sensibility, the greater the suffering...much suffering." Leonardo da Vinci.

Everybody drank the Kool-Aid.
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Old 03-08-08, 06:04 PM   #7
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On the first two dates we held hands with each other and kissed goodbye.

On the third date we went to see a film. I decided to go for it and put my arm around her and lean in close (a modest first step i admit, but given my history and lack of experience it was a step in the right direction). In the pub afterwards she admitted that she wasn't sure how she saw me (as a friend or something more). I let it go as i thought she may be shy or nervous about meeting someone off the internet.

On the next date (the fourth date) we kissed properly (although since it was my first one it was probably shit) and i was feeling positive about it.

On the next date we were both really tired as we met after work and the conversation did not flow as well as before (but we still had a good laugh). We agreed to meet up on the weekend when we would both be refreshed. Then on friday she called and said she only wanted to be friends.

I don't mean to come across like i am attacking your advice, just that i have felt like this for a long time. I've already thought of the things you have mentioned and tried to implement them. As i said i managed to change my negative way of thinking and effect a positive change, but again it didn't work. Hence why i feel so utterly hopeless now.
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Old 03-08-08, 06:14 PM   #8
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I don't feel attacked, it's fine. I'm sorry this advice isn't helpful.

Seems like you did well on the dates. Maybe you could ask her why she doesen't want to date, just want to be friends. Why not? Nothing to lose, really.

There's no reason to assume there's something wrong with you. Even though you've had alot of disapointments in the past, it seems like you made progress on this date beyone other situations, so that's a positive. I don't think giving up is the answer it all. As hard as it is, trying again is the answer, with someone else of course.

I really wouldn't take this thing to heart. Each situation is different so there's no reason to necessarily connect past situations with this present one as they are with different women. Just let it roll of your back and look to the next woman you can meet and hopefully that one will work out better. Maybe not, maybe yes.

What led you to believe that this relationship would continue to something more lasting and serious? Just curious. Most of them don't.
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“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss

"The earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed." Gandhi.

War is a racket. The few profit. The many suffer. --Major General Smedley Butler. 2 time congressional Medal of Honor winner.

"The greater the sensibility, the greater the suffering...much suffering." Leonardo da Vinci.

Everybody drank the Kool-Aid.
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Old 03-09-08, 05:06 AM   #9
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There's every reason to believe there's something wrong with me and no reason to believe the opposite.

If you failed your driving test 20 times, would you carry on blaming the instructor, the assessor, the car, the road, the weather etc, or would you think there was something wrong with you?

Maybe in your life you meet tons of eligible women/men who are just dying to be with you, so if one rejects you you just move on to the other. Unfortunately mine isn't like that, hence why i tried online dating. But i can't even pull where people actually WANT to meet someone. Guess that makes me doubly pathetic. This is a complete waste of time, no one can do anything for me and whatever i do myself doesn't work. Whats the fucking point.
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Old 03-09-08, 07:35 PM   #10
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Oh man, you are so down on yourself!

If I failed my driving lesson, I wouldn't think there was something centrally wrong with me but I would ask my instructor what I was doing to fail. For instance if I had a problem parking there's a reason and it's not b/c I am a worthless human being. Maybe my eyesight needs to be checked, maybe I'm not good at judging distances, maybe I'm not holding the wheel right, whatever... But if I'm a basically intelligent capable person, then obviously, I'm just not a good driver so I'd want to practice to get better. Maybe I'd look for a different car, easier to drive, more my style...

Every guy meets tons of eligible women. Anyone single without a bf is elegible. I've been rejected, most people have, so no, I'm not superman with the ladies. If they reject me, I will definately move on b/c that is one valuable lesson I have learned. If you have to work to hard, it's not meant to be. You just end up torturing yourself, wondering why why why...

-- "But i can't even pull where people actually WANT to meet someone." --

You can meet someone anywhere, a restaurant, a library, obviously a bar. Peole go to bars to have fun, relax and meet. Happens all the time. But meeting someone thru someone else is a good way b/c you have someone to say good things about you. It's an "in".

Taking classes, finding people with mutual interests is good b/c you have something to talk about from the start.

You say you''ve done alot of things. What have you done to work on it aside from asking women out?

Maybe continue with the therapy. It's not worth torturing yourself over. Sooner or later it will work out.
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“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss

"The earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed." Gandhi.

War is a racket. The few profit. The many suffer. --Major General Smedley Butler. 2 time congressional Medal of Honor winner.

"The greater the sensibility, the greater the suffering...much suffering." Leonardo da Vinci.

Everybody drank the Kool-Aid.
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